DISCLAIMER: Please do understand that what I am about to write might be in profanity. I advise you do not take this lightly. Thank you. All the love, author xoxox
*****
I do not know what is wrong with me. You always say that "You are an idiot"; "Foul-mouthed"---when the only thing I did is to speak my mind. You made me a time-traveler... Let's go back the furthest I got.
It was written on a document---legalized and notarized---that I submitted back then that your relationship was long gone even before I came to my senses that I have a mind of my own. It was 18 years ago. But the memories from back then was printed on a blank paper and it showed how good it was.
Then I remember you leaving us without a word---I did not know why the need to move houses but it is cool because I get the chance to spend a school year near my cousins. I had a good summer, having dad around is the best, playing around the unfinished house seemed forever until it is done. I met a lot of people and I love to be with them. It was a bliss and I hope I had the chance to let them all meet you.
Then the following year, you came back from God knows where. Just like that. Then waves of words that kept us drowning. They said that I was a child that cannot understand---but how? I was an honor student. Teachers applauded me for my grades but your exchange of words to let me understand what the fuck is going on---what the fuck is wrong---came in like a tornado. It was all over the walls of that pink room. It has been repainted far too many times but the scars left was still there. Every word. Every tear drop. It is still there. And just like that... You took us in but everything went downhill when it was just me and her---I need to be strong for her because I know that I am the only person she can lean on.
Dad left. They also left. You left. Me and her was under grans' care.
I remembered graduating elementary school and fuck yeah I was so excited to get into that prestigious high school in the province. I read their books. I studied as much as I can and thank God, I passed the exams! But there was a second screening because there were too many students who passed. I failed. I did my best but I do not know if you knew that because above everything I told you after passing the first exam, you only remembered these fucking words from my mouth:
"I was the only one who passed from my school."
Yes. That was the only thing you remembered that is why you kept telling everyone that I failed deliberately because I have no friends from my school to be with the next school year. What the actual fuck?! I did my fucking best! I really did! I tried! And that was all I could hear from you?! I failed the exams deliberately because I do not have friends from my previous school? What the actual fuck. Do you think because I was a child back then I would not remember those fucking words you said to me back then?! There were other good schools too! But you chose to make me drown in your words because I was t hat obedient child and there was nothing I could do but respect you because you are older than me---respect out of fear.
High school. I had new set of friends. I met my best friend even if it means that I need to walk five minutes away from home just to go to her place and come back very late. She did that too! We are very much welcome in a different home because under your care seemed empty. I fell in love---you got mad to the point that you needed to confiscate my phone and even hers. Got us grounded just because about the thing in our body that I actually followed without you in command. Did it make a difference? No. I just felt things and you think it was wrong. You always get mad at us over little things. I never heard that you were proud of us back then. And whenever I keep a blade in my wallet, behind my ID, behind the case of my phone, and even in my bag, do you remember what you said? Every. Fucking. Time.
"If you wanted to die, just do it! Do not prolong the agony!"
Who the actual fuck would say that?! I wanted to be non-existent because it fucking hurts and I cannot take it anymore. All the disasters---I cannot even save her from you! That was my deepest regret up until now! I thought I already did my best for her and stood up to her but what did you say back to us!?
"A liar is a thief's brother."
Who the fuck said that?! I still remember the pain that was brought to her and the only thing I could say was for you to stop! Every hit she took it. We are not in an MMORPG game where she had an armor to wear with every attack you did, her armor would absorb it. Her armor is her fucking skin. Her weapon was her brain and arms that was pushing you away as much as she can and there was me. The only person who she could team up with but there was nothing that I could do.
It was too painful to watch you ganking on her. I could have taken her away. I could have saved her. I could have protected her like I always did back then when you were still out of the picture! I am full of regrets having to do nothing but watch. It hurts. It seemed that I have a special place in hell for doing nothing.
High school was the worst. It could have been the best but you made it the worst.
I was an incoming college student and I have weighed everything after all the entrance exams I took. I failed one entrance exam after all the efforts you made for me---spending my weekends to cram school during my last year in high school. Again, I DID MY FUCKING BEST but what did I hear from you?
"You failed deliberately because you wanted to follow your boyfriend in that university you wanted to get into."
First of all, I failed---not because I deliberately did it---because I was struggling in my studies during high school. Why? Of course! It was because of you! HA HA. Instead having to enjoy our lives and studying little by little you killed that tiny bit of happiness in us that we look it profoundly in other things or people.
Second. He was not my boyfriend. We like it each other but that did not mean that I was dating him back then. I literally love the university especially after a young lady represented their university to us.
Clearly, you do not know because you do not want to know. You only know what you think you know without actually knowing it.---and that is so unfair. It was so funny that whenever we have recollections or retreats, you always said that you were one text away. Jokes on us! It was not true! You even called us a liar and a thief. What the fuck was that?
6 years away from you every weekday were the best years. You do not add any toxicity during those years. Damn. That was hell of a 6 years for me. Every semester when I get failing grades, you scold me. You never failed to scold me. Why my grades were just barely passing. Why I got an incomplete grade. Why I failed.
Well, let me ask you this. Did you know what degree I planned to pursue? Yes, right? But you did not listen to me! Jokes on me because you said you only wanted what's best for me even if it means you scolding me for doing my best and failing most of my subjects after the second semester. It was funny too because I was hospitalized and you never considered that fact. Crazy. I did my best to catch up but the scores came out---incomplete, and another set of scolding.
I was almost kicked out. You also scold me for having multiple failed subjects. What the fuck. I am just a person. I make mistakes. I fail.
I do not have a memory of you telling me that you are proud of me. Congratulations and that was it. Boasting on social media but never to me.
I gave up. I was just thankful that you kept me alive.
I always think that me being alive is a sin---I only get you mad these past few months. You never failed to tell me that I am stupid and a foul mouth. You get mad when I accidentally closed the wardrobe door a little too loud. You spat words that hurt when I only asked what I need to do with her bag when she only told me to hold it---what was I supposed to do? We were at the parking lot. Should I bring it down or leave it in the car? And those queries already got you mad. My ignorance made you mad all the time. My honest answers trigger you to the bone. Respecting you comes in fear. Being obedient is such a waste. Loving you is toxic.
I really am...trying...
I am doing my best ---all of it.
A few more strikes and I will not be able to hold it in. A few more tries and I might set a match on fire burning whatever this thing that is between us. I will not watch it burn, for sure.
Just a little bit more... Just a little bit and I will---no hesitations---because I cannot take it anymore.
