Fading Back

Trigger Warning: Anorexia at its Finest

          I love the feeling of being small. The feeling of being engulfed by another person when they hug me, and not the other way around. I love oversized clothing draping over me like a worn out cloth, or when someone lifts me up with ease. I love being empty, and feeling the cold water trickle down my throat to my barren well of a stomach anytime I take a sip of water. The feeling of counting and knowing everything. I love the feeling of control.

.              .              .

          Johnathan looked at me with his tired puppy dog eyes. Sympathy lingering behind them, pity even. I didn't like this feeling.

          His warm clammy hands still clasped around mine. I felt a bottomless pit of guilt in my stomach. I remember that day all too well,

          "Promise me this time will be the one?"

          "Yeah, I promise."

          The heavy weight of what I had said was too much for me to bear, and I didn't even realize it. I kept on pushing through like I was fine, but little did I realize I was just pushing and pushing myself farther and farther down this deep dark hole I could never climb myself out of.

          But Johnny, his gorgeous face, it looked so tired.

          Johnathan didn't deserve to be here, he should have been at home, playing with Dwight and Zuko. Should've been at home with Callie, finishing his big film class project or doing his photography he loved so much. Johnny wasn't supposed to be here, he was supposed to be happy, and I let him down. I took it away from him. All because I couldn't keep a fucking promise.

           "Hey Ev?" Johnathan's voice was in a raspy whisper, it was what he sounded like in the morning right after waking up in bed.

           "You know, this isn't the end. Problems are never solved so easily." I couldn't respond. He was so wrong. This was the end, I couldn't  keep going on like this. Constantly in pain yet the moment I felt happiness I couldn't handle it.

           "Yeah, I guess..." My voice trailed off. I couldn't even act like it anymore, my life had gone to complete shit, what was the point in even trying to be okay?

          Lillian walked in with a tray in her hands, food piled on top. 12 o'clock. Feeding time for the piggy. Johnathan got up and pulled my tray table over in front of me, allowing Lillian to plop my lunch right on top. A whiff of turkey meat and grease hit my nose hard.

           "Thank you," Johnathan said with a polite smile.

          "I'll be back in thirty, you know the drill Evelyn." Said Lillian with clear disappointment in her eyes, but I mean how else are you supposed to look at someone that has a tube shoved in their stomach.

          She left just as quickly as she had arrived. Leaving me with another nightmare like she always does, three times a day, everyday. I look down and all I see is a monster. A monster made of numbers that are way too high.

          "Well she seems nice." Johnathan's voice broke the bone crushing trance I was in.

          "Yeah..." I said not lifting my eyes from the food.

          "I was being sarcastic Ev... haha."

          "Oh sorry, I didn't realize." I had been too focused on having a staring competition with my turkey burger.

          "That's  ok, heh..." Johnathan sat back down awkwardly, I kept on eyeing my food.

          Then it started, the calculator in my head. Burger bun (120), turkey patty (167), ketchup (20), cheese (80), tomato slices (about 5), lettuce (3). Grand total: 395. I'll say 400 for good measure. Fuck. 400 just for the burger. Who knew how much was in the cookie, or the potato wedges. And the fruit punch had to be at least 130.

          I tried to remain calm as I slowly grabbed my fork and knife. I began to cut the burger in half when I heard an all too familiar noise, a stomach grumbling. But I didn't feel it. It wasn't coming from me. I looked over to see Johnathan staring at my food, I could've cried. Thinking about it I had realized that Johnathan had been with me at the hospital for the past three days, living off of shitty coffee and stale croissants from the café downstairs. He hadn't had a proper meal yet.

          "You want some?" I asked with genuine concern, three days is far too long for someone to go without eating a proper meal. I realize how ironic that sounds. But still, I cared for Johnathan, much more than I cared for myself.

          "What? No. That's your food, I could never."

          "Are you sure?"

          "Yes Ev, I'm not going to eat your food." He looked at me in a certain way, the tone in his voice made me angry. I wasn't asking him to eat my food so I didn't have to, I was simply offering because I felt bad. Why does everyone have to blame me all the time? I know I'm in here for a fucking eating disorder, I'm not going to be so blatantly open about trying to not eat my food. My life is fucking ass.

          I grabbed one half of the burger with a napkin between my hands. I can't stand to feel the grease on food. I hesitated for a long time, but I finally took a small bite. The voice in my head screamed.

          "Fat! Fat! Fat!"

          I tried to ignore it but all I could hear myself think was,

          "I know! I know! I know!"

          I couldn't take another bite, at least not from the burger. I tried to eat a potato wedge, but all I could take was one of the little crunchy burnt ones completely charred black. It crumbled into ash in my mouth after the first bite.

          "Is it good?" I heard Johnathan's voice, once again, snapping me back into reality.

          "Yeah, the turkey burger isn't so great though." I always said things like that about food so people would have an explanation for why I didn't eat it. Of course the turkey burger was delicious, it was so good I couldn't handle it.

          My battle was ongoing, and for the next thirty minutes I felt disgust, joy, guilt, satisfaction, and anger over and over again. But alas, I didn't win the battle, and Lillian arrived to see my plate still filled with food and my eyes filled with tears. I couldn't bear to look at Johnathan. I couldn't bear to think of how humiliating I was for him.

          Lillian took the tray without saying a word. The nurses didn't care as much if I ate now since I was tubed, it was fucked up but understandable.

          "Baby steps Ev, baby steps." Johnny said while reaching out for my hand again.

          His comforting words didn't seem to work for me this time. I wondered if they ever really did work. I'm no better than before, maybe even worse. I wondered if I had ever really been okay at any point in my life, because I just couldn't seem to imagine myself being happy anymore.