She was a mystery, but I would follow her everywhere just so I could be in her presence. So I could see her eyes light up every time she did something she loved. And how much I wished she looked at me in the same way as she looked at every opportuni...
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24th July 2017
Amaryllis
“Are you absolutely sure you want to do this again?” Daniel asked me for the hundredth time tonight.
“Yes,” Was once again my answer as I checked my hair in the small mirror I had on me.
“You know that this is just turning into pure madness right?” he looked over my side.
“Yes,” It was the same speech I had heard the year before and the year before that year and the year before that one as well.
“I am your best friend, you know you can confide in me and I will be there for you to make you feel better. So when you first told me about your plan, I supported you because I thought that it would perhaps put an end to that chapter of your life. But after four years and you are still the same – stuck in this endless circle, while you refuse to break it,” I stared blankly at him, his words going over my head.
“This chapter of my life will never end. He will never cease his possession of my heart.”
“But it is unhealthy for you, dammit!” Daniel's fingers tightened around the wheel.
“Maybe. But just for a night I manage to feel better,” I replied hiding behind my hair.
“I know, love, but there are other ways – ways that would actually help you get over it,” he turned his body to face me and took my hands in his, “Like a therapist perhaps.”
My head snapped at his words.
“I am not crazy.”
Dan's attitude seemed to deflate when I said that.
“I know you aren't, but seeing a therapist doesn't mean there is something wrong with you – it's just an indication that you are a bit lost and need some help finding yourself. I have been here with you through your darkest times and I've seen you recover for most parts, the shine in your eyes is back and so is your smile and you can laugh genuinely again. But I am not blind. There is still a piece of you that hasn't been restored and you refuse to do anything that will help you get your whole self back.”
I lowered my head, thinking over his words that really made me second-guess my decision to come here tonight.
“I am not crazy,” I whispered again as a reassurance to myself. There was a period in my life where I used to have keep muttering that phrase to myself.
“Nobody said you were,” Daniel's voice was back to soft.
“But what if I never get to be me again? What if I have forgotten how to be Amaryllis?” I finally voiced my concerns out loud, making me feel like I was being scrutinised by my best friend's gaze although it was probably just in my head.
“You have me by your side and you'll always have me. You think I don't realise but I know what some people think about me or the way they judge me as stupidly weird, eccentric daydreamer – especially in high school, but you were never phased by what other people thought, for you were always there for me too. So let me tell you something Amaryllis Blanche or Cheong Amaryllis Yul or whatever you like to call yourself. I believe in you and I know you can make it.”
