Keep breathing || BTS

Dear readers

Dear readers,

I know that it must sucks. You read my story and I get some comments and you guys are excited about the story. I am sorry that I am not uploading chapters more often.

It's been a couple of days that I am feeling like shit and that I hate myself. I have so many negative thoughts that I just want to disappear. I am not talking about suicide here.

I have a job — a student job — and I started there for a year ago since I finished college and took one year off of school.

It was fun at first, but the career I am in now is completely out of what I'm really interested in. I'm interested in Art. Any kind. Art is my life and at my job, I don't do anything close to that and my creative side started to call me so intensely.

You might say "then do art when you get back home...duh", but it was draining all of my energy so I didn't had any motivation at all for the WHOLE day. I just wanted to sleep, forget that I was existing. I felt in depression.

I never knew what really was depression until yesterday honestly. I never knew how it truly felt like, but I realized that I was depressed when I spoke to my dad on the phone about this situation.

I told him that I was sad, not only at the job, but anytime, I was just sad. I had enough of this place and I wanted to leave.

Throughout all these days, I felt alone in a dark tunnel where I could not find a single glimpse of light. It was extremely dark. But when my dad said that he would help me to write a resignation letter, I broke.

I cried.

I know that my dad thought that I was crying because I had enough, but the truth is that I was immensely touched and grateful to have a hand to hold in that dark place and that would lead me to the light. I felt supported.

During the last month, I've had trouble sleeping because I would think so much about how I hated what this job was doing to me and recently it kept me awake until 4 am when I've had cried for an entire hour — 3 to 4 am — and to wake up at 6 and cry again at 7 am.

That's not how it's supposed to be..
A temporary job should never bring you that down, because it is not your future!

Today, I've slept a complete and peaceful 8 hours and woke up happy. Even at the job, people noticed that I was more "there". I'm a genuine happy person. I smile a lot, laugh a lot and there is just this bright light of happiness that I guess you can tell when you look into my eyes. But these last days took all of that away from me. I wasn't myself anymore and I was just a sad human with no identity and no other emotions.

I will quit my job in three weeks. I feel motivated again, but I have to ask you to be a little bit patient again for the uploads.

I love you all for reading my books and commenting and everything. I do. Thank you for supporting me.

I have to admit that writing this might not being interesting for you, but it feels terribly good for me to share.

If anyone is feeling like something is wrong, I'd say to follow your heart.

I do need money, but I should not force myself to stay in this condition where it is gradually killing me. There will be something else for me and there will be something else for you. Just listen to your body, please.

I am currently writing another chapter. I don't know when I will upload it, but thank you for waiting.

I love you all :)