Licensed to Kill

Chapter 10

Then again, I remembered he always had been the more collected one between the two of us. I was a ticking time bomb and he was always the one to relax me back to sanity.

"I do," he nodded slowly and diverted his eyes away from mine.

How long had he known about this? The whole time, perhaps? Why hadn't I heard from him before now? Why hadn't he made sure I'd known the truth a long time ago? Surely, he hadn't wanted me to believe he was dead... right?

"I was privy to the details since the beginning." Dallas seemed to guess what I was thinking. "Your director and mine devised a plan to keep us separated. They said they thought it was for the best for both of us, though I know it was meant only to benefit I.D.A. and A.R.T. I was permanently denied contact with you. They thought our relationship was interfering with our work – never mind that it was illegal – and Bellucci witnessed how you reacted to shooting me. They assumed our relationship would become common knowledge amongst our enemies and they'd use it to get rid of both of us. You and I were a loose end our agencies needed to tie up, and rather than letting us go, they came up with this bullshit to permanently keep us separated. We're too valuable to them as individual agents."

"If they hated us being together that much, they could've just said that," I snapped. "Why put me through this hell for years and years? Why lie to me about something so fucking awful as you dying?"

I remembered Jordan and Bartley telling me I couldn't attend Dallas's funeral or visit his grave because they didn't want my enemies pinpointing a weakness in me to target. I was disgusted by their explanation, though I understood it at the time, but now I couldn't fathom why they hadn't simply told me that I wasn't allowed to have contact with Agent David anymore.

"Because they believed the only surefire way to keep you from reaching out to me was to make you believe I was dead."

They were right, too... I wouldn't have listened to orders. I was too in love with Dallas. I would've done anything to continue our relationship in secret. As it was, I hadn't even wanted to obey orders with regards to not attending his funeral or visiting his grave. I'd spent months secretly searching the A.R.T. database for the files on the shooting and anything having to do with Dallas David, but Director Jordan had made sure to keep those files so highly classified that it was impossible for me to get ahold of them. At the time, I'd thought he was just being an asshole. Now, I understood why he'd classified them. Jordan knew that if I'd read the case file and incident reports, I would've discovered the truth – that Dallas had not died.

"Well, then you know why I didn't try to find you," I said. "Tell me why you didn't reach out to me. Tell me why you didn't correct the record. Tell me why you let me believe for four goddamn long years that the man I loved more than anything in the fucking world was dead!"

My voice continued to rise until I was shouting at him, demanding the explanation. Still, he kept his cool. I watched him swallow hard and rub the back of his neck while his eyes traveled the room, still avoiding my stare.

"I did try," he said in a soft, pained voice, and I could swear I saw tears brimming in his stone cold eyes. "I wasn't about to follow orders like that, Tali. You were more important to me than I.D.A.'s rules could ever be. Those entire first two years, I tried every which way to contact you, but it was always interrupted somehow. I was constantly reprimanded for attempting contact. They watched me like a hawk to make sure it couldn't happen."

My heart hurt at the thought that Dallas had been trying to reach out to me at the same time that I'd been spiraling downhill into an alcohol addiction over his death.

"So what stopped you then? Why'd you stop trying?" I choked out through tears that were now streaming down my cheeks again. "Did you give up on me?"