Exactly What I Need ~ Smoleman

Chapter 17

Saying it was easier than doing it.

Jenna had been pacing around the bedroom since receiving a text from Richard that said he was on his way home. That was fifteen minutes ago. It felt like fifteen years, and time wasn't passing as quickly as she was walking around.

Earlier, Jenna and Maggie had made a plan. Maggie had decided to go home more or less immediately so she'd definitely run into Richard. Then she'd tell him that she knew what had been bothering Jenna, now he needed to return home to hear it for himself. She wouldn't reveal any more than that; that was Jenna's job. However, Maggie had promised Jenna that she'd attempt to prepare Richard for an inevitably unpleasant conversation.

In the meantime, Jenna was left in trepidation. While she waited, she constructed a script in her head of what she'd say to Richard when he arrived home. As an actress, she could improvise, however, she preferred sticking to scripts. It was easier, and everything that needed to get said was said.

She stopped pacing when she heard the door to the apartment being opened. She heard hurried footsteps, and then she saw the door handle being pushed down. Her breath hitched as she saw Richard.

"Jenna, you alright?" he asked immediately, heading over to her. He longed to reach out and hug her, but caution kept his hands hovering a couple of inches from her body.

"Richard," Jenna exhaled, and it seemed to be the only thing she could say. She'd forgotten all of her lines.

Both stared at each other blankly, their minds brimming with things they wanted to say, but they were both far too afraid of saying anything, in case it was wrong.

The quiet awkwardness continued until Richard perched on the end of the bed and invited Jenna to do so too. "Sit down, honey."

They struggled to get comfy, sitting on their hands and fidgeting on the spot. The unease between them became more and more palpable.

Richard tried to dispel the tension by getting to the matter at hand. He didn't want to come across as demanding, but there was so much he wanted to know. "Maggie told me that you spoke to her," he prompted Jenna. "She said that you... opened up about some things, and you want to share them with me."

Jenna didn't reply. She just looked at him, and took in his facial features. Although his expression was one of worry, he always had such a kind face when he was around her. His cheeks were soft now that he'd shaved his stubble. It had been even darker than his hair that he was growing out so that it curled; the ideal length for her to rake her fingers through, not that she did. She sat still as she studied him.

Her eyes made their way back to his. They were the same colour as the sea when it was still and the sun gleamed down on it. So soothing and comforting. Jenna knew, as she gazed into his eyes, that she really loved Richard, but not in the way she loved Matt.

"Richard." She had to try and convey her feelings, just like she agreed to with Maggie. It would hurt him, yes, but at least he'd appreciate the truth coming from her now, rather than finding out later.

"Lately, I've not been feeling like myself," she admitted. "I've been low and tired, and that made me feel sad and stressed because I didn't know what was causing it."

Richard wanted to ask if she'd figured out the cause and if she felt happier now, but he let her take a breath and resume her explanation.

"I've also been feeling guilty," Jenna's eyes darted away from Richard's, then she bravely brought them back up. "Because I feel like I've been burdening you, and pushing you away, which makes me feel like a bad girlfriend."

"Jenna, no," he had to interrupt then. "You could never be a bad girlfriend just for that. To tell you the truth, I was feeling guilty too because I hadn't been able to figure out why you were feeling... well, the way you were."

"Really?" Jenna was surprised. She couldn't help but smile a little. At least they were on the same page. Maybe now she could alleviate their guilt with the truth.

"I've been feeling like this since... since approaching the end of filming Doctor Who," she revealed. Richard nodded, as he could relate to the sadness of finishing filming.

"The hardest part for me about finishing is..." a lump had started to form in her throat. It was so difficult to say, but she plowed on. "...is not being with Matt every day."

Again, Richard nodded understandingly.

"As soon as I realised that, I made a discovery," she continued, her throat getting tighter as she could feel her eyes burning.

Richard, who could see how emotional she was getting, had a feeling he knew what she was going to say. He braced himself for it, knowing it would be hard to hear, and knowing it would be equally hard for Jenna to say.

As he gazed at her silently, Jenna clamped her lips together. She felt as if she was about to be sick from the internal conflict. She wanted to burst, declare the truth from the top of Mount Everest, but at the same time, she wanted to rewind time to Maggie's visit that morning and not reveal her feelings to her.

Just spit it out! a voice in her head screamed. He already knows. Put the pair of you out of your misery!

Jenna drew in one last deep breath and closed her eyes as if she were about to dive into the sea. Then she confessed to him.

"I'm in love with Matt."