Exactly What I Need ~ Smoleman

Chapter 18

The words rung through the quiet air. Jenna's feelings were out in the open, a reality that both she and Richard now had to face. How was he taking it?

When she opened her eyes, she saw Richard's wide eyes staring back at her. Completely motionless and speechless; it was as if he'd been frozen. The truth was still registering in his brain, as if it were a difficult concept that wasn't sinking in.

His shock soon converted into bitter disappointment that filled him from head to toe. He loved Jenna so much, and the fact that those feelings weren't reciprocated was painful.

He had wondered. There had been just a slight nagging suspicion in the back of his mind when he first met Matt. Matt Smith clearly worshipped the ground on which his costar walked, and Richard had wondered if the feeling was mutual. But Jenna had organised the day in the studios specifically for him, and spent the whole day laughing and arm-in-arm with him, so he'd stopped wondering then. He suddenly recalled Jenna's reaction when Matt left them. The way she'd stared at the door even after he'd left, like all the joy had left the room alongside him.

Now, it was clear to see. Jenna really was in love with Matt.

Richard bit his lower lip and furrowed his brows. He'd tensed up, trying to hold it all in, but Jenna could tell that he was devastated.

Upon seeing him like that, there was only one thing she could physically do. Cry. She buried her face, dyed with red shame, into her hands and wept.

Richard was unable to sit still for any longer. He carefully wrapped his arms around Jenna's quaking body and held her closely to him.

"Shhhh, shhhh, it's okay," he repeated his hushes in an attempt to calm her as they swayed back and forth together. "It's okay."

Jenna tried to get words out but couldn't as she panted heavily between sobs. She choked on each breath, causing more tears to flood from her eyes.

"It's okay..." Richard's fingers curled into the fabric of her pyjamas, holding her tight. As sad as he was, he didn't want Jenna to be guilt-ridden for her feelings. He'd seen how torn up she was about this over the last few weeks. This was just as hard for her as it was for him.

"Jen, look at me," he said softly. Jenna sniffled, then wiped the backs of her hands across her wet cheeks. She looked up to him with her dark, mushy eyes.

In addition to tears, Jenna's eyes were filled with emotion. Despondency, apology, pain. Whereas over the past couple of weeks, her dry eyes had been void and soulless. Richard had never been more thankful to see Jenna cry, because she looked human again. He smiled down at her and cooed, "Ah, there's my pretty Jen."

She clamped her trembling lips together and pushed them into a smile. She honestly felt blessed for how kind and gentle he was being with her, even though he had no obligation to be those things.

He let his lips relax back into a frown. "I'm sad about this, of course I am. And so are you. I mean," he broke eye contact briefly. He swallowed, then cast his eyes back to Jenna's. "You did love me, right?"

She sat upright, detaching herself from him. Then she turned around to face him, kneeling on the bed. "Of course I did," she replied, looking him in the eye as she took his hands in her own.

Richard smiled quickly, relieved to hear that. "So, obviously we're sad. But... y'know, I don't think we should be."

She quirked a brow at him, not understanding what he meant.

"I mean, yes, we are sad. And that makes sense, given..." he cleared his throat and moved on to the next sentence. "You shouldn't feel that way for too long. It's not your fault that... You can't help who you fall in love with."

Those sage words struck deeply into Jenna's heart. She nodded her head, because for the first time, her feelings for Matt felt right.

"Please don't feel sad, or guilty," Richard implored, squeezing her hands. "Because it's one of those things that's beyond control."

He took his hands away and positioned one behind him as he leaned back, while he dragged the other through his curls.

"You love Matt, and that's fine. Yeah? That's fine." He said it with calm acceptance. "So don't keep feeling too sad for too long, Jen."

"What about you?" she asked with a concerned expression.

"I'll be fine," he assured her. "I'm upset now, and I'll feel like that for a few days. But I'll get over it, eventually."

He smiled, then he tucked her chin. "I'll be happy as long as you're happy. And if you're gonna be happy with Matt, then who am I to stand in your way?"

Richard was truly an amazing man. Jenna had always thought so, and that opinion had never once changed. She was so glad he'd been calm and kind as they had this conversation. It made things easier for her emotionally.

"Say," Richard spoke up, wrapping his forefinger around Jenna's pinkie.  "We'll still carry on being friends, right? Or is that-"

He was interrupted by Jenna's arms being flung around him.

"Of course we'll carry on being friends," she promised him. He returned the hug, his hands holding her firmly.

"Good. I'm glad," he closed his eyes, resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Me too," she sighed, a light smile appearing on her face. "Me too."