The Middle

Chapter 8 - Smile

I rush awake to the blare of my alarm. The clock reads an early 7 am. I feel my arm over for the snooze button as I pull myself upright. I roll myself out of bed flopping my covers on the floor and feel for a shirt and shorts. The thought of school today twists my insides and a feeling of sadness comes over me. I walk into my bathroom and turn on the unflattering white light. My image in the mirror stares back at me looking deep into the soul of my eyes. Why do I look like this? I thought to myself. I wonder if I had been born pretty how much different or easier my life would've been. I rinse my face allowing cool water to splash up and bring some life back to me. I brush on a swipe of mascara in the hopes of looking maybe normal and run out the door. I jump in the car next to my mom who has decided to drive me.
"Oh smile, life isn't that bad and even when it is you fake it and eventually it will get better."
She smiles over at me as she looks me up and down. I slump over in my seat and push my face muscles up and look at her. "Smiling" I think.  I turn my body away and lean against the window watching trees and buildings pass until I see the car pull around into the school parking lot. I look up at the brick building and my body fills with fear as if I was looking at hell itself. I scoop up my bag feeling the weight pull down my step and I walk out of the safety of my car. Just as I open the door to get into school I can feel the stares of three girls inside. I hear them giggle as I walk past to get to my next class. Once at my desk I pull on my shirt trying to cover as much of my face as I can. Judgement fills the room as do people. I look up to see Gabi sitting on the other side of the room with her face buried in her hands. I try to make eye contact and watch her smile than turn the opposite way. I wave my hand to motion her over and she pretends not to see me. Just then I see John walk in the room. I watch with my body shaking as he sits down next to me and smiles.
"Hey no tits" he laughs under his breath.
I quickly slouch my body over the desk to cover my chest. Class goes on for hours as I feel his presence next to me. I finally hear the bell ring and stand up to leave. I reach down to pick up my school bag and hear John say
"That's my girl Kenna" as a feel a hand take a quick squeeze around my ass. I quickly jolt up to see him smirk as he walks out the door. I sit down in shock and take a deep breath in. I watch as the last people and the teacher leave the classroom. I watch as Gabi checks to make sure everyone has left before sitting down at the desk next to me. I could see she knew what was happening.
"I don't know what to tell you Kenna. What am I supposed to do?" She says looking at the floor. Everything in my mind went to say help me! But instead I say
" nothing I guess. I'm leaving soon anyway."
Throughout the rest of the day Gabi stays near me watching John do the same thing over and over. When I get home I feel a wave of nausea hit me and I run to the bathroom. My food leaves my body as it tightens in fear.

~Two months later

I sit myself down on my bed.
"I can't do this anymore! Look at what he is doing to me!" I cry out.
Tears roll down my face and I can feel their sticky residue being left along my cheeks as they fall. Gabi sits down on my bed next to me. I feel her arms wrap around to give a hug.
"I wish I could do something. It will be better soon."
She says in her most comforting voice.
We sit like this and I can feel the silence set in around my light sniffling. I can feel anger and depression build up inside my body as I tense my muscles. I just want my body to be mine not Johns. Why can't I have control of what happens to it? I think to myself. I watch as Gabi looks at me and I feel her hand wipe away another falling tear. I see her look into my eyes and I move my face in close.
"What are you doing?" She asks
"Taking back control of my body" I say as I reach over and grab her waste. I feel her warm breathe against my face as she leans in to give me a kiss. I quickly turn my head away.
"I want to do this, but I want my first kiss to be different." I say.
"Then we won't kiss." She says nodding her head up and down.
"Why are you doing this?
I know I'm doing this because I just need control back. I'm not gay or bi and I don't want to lead you on... if that's what you are."
I state and feel a worried look come over my face as I crinkly in my brows.
"I don't know what I am. I don't expect this to go anywhere. I just think that maybe this is a good experience for me."
She says looking back down at my flooring and then back up at me.
"Ok."
I say and with that I lift my shirt off my body. I watch as she completely undresses. I lay down as I feel her hands satisfyingly move throughout my body. I stare at the ceiling for a moment and instead of empowerment I notice a surprising numbness hit my soul. I feel her lips purse around the new bruising on my chest. I try and push my body into it. For a while we go back and forth and nothing. Why did I think this was a good idea? I think to myself. I push myself off of her feeling the warmth of her skin leave mine.
"I think we made a mistake." I say. Gabi looks at me puzzled. 
"Ok" She says as she slips her shirt over her head.  I nod to reassure that everything was ok. I see her smile at me then leave my room. I watch as her car pulls out of my driveway.  I don't know why I thought that would make it better. I can't believe I just lost my virginity to a girl and I have no interest in girls. I think to myself. I wrap myself in my fuzzy blanket feeling the softness around my body. I wonder what is going to happen with our friendship now. I think to myself still in a numb shock of the events that have occurred. I look around to see the darkness fill the walls of the room as the sun sets. Everything around me feels empty. With that I close my eyes and fall into a soft sleep allowing my feelings to drain out through my dreams.