the mindset of
"it's like this,
it will always be like this."
is it my savior,
or pure deception?
is its purpose to save me,
keep me alive,
or simply to make the inevitable downfall
all the more painful?
when times are good,
this feeling becomes euphoric
superpower coursing through my veins,
the ability to hide in plain sight
to both myself and others
as a normal human being!
able to go out,
to interact,
an energy that never ends
a fissured memory
a hope that he will not turn
that i will not turn
walking across that thin, high wire
trusting myself not to fall.
but when i do -
and i always do -
and that energy is depleted
and i become stagnant
progress on every map ceased
stopped abruptly,
usually without cause
it becomes, instead, a demon
whispering in my ear
that it is better to end it now
rather than suffer a lifetime
of this
of this awful, terrible feeling
a wall that i cannot break through
a poem,
although perhaps not quite as skilled,
as smooth,
portraying the same concept,
the same question,
desire,
fallen into the wrong hands
blind, still, but now terrible so
scratching and screaming and begging
falling to sightless eyes, deaf ears
silent pleas pinging around in my own brain
afraid to leave for the consequences,
forgetting that reaching out
could bring relief
determined that the only thing
that would bring me such
is death
dreaming of it,
imagining it,
so freeing
the ability to soar,
to break out of the invisible handcuffs
chains wrapped around my body
limiting my breath,
my life
myself
falling into an abyss
that never seems to end.
it seems that i am doomed
to forever traipse upon this landscape
only solid black and white
yearning for any shade of grey
any hint of color
an imaginary escape,
beyond the ultimate one
