Pieces Are Missing Without You (cashby)

If looks could talk

Alan POV

The rest of the day was usual. My usual beating from andy after lunch and the name calling. I ignored them the best of my ability, but Austin kept filling my mind. The way he smiled, His eyes that pierced a whole in my heart, his arms and the way they looked like they gave the best hugs. It was almost time for last period and history. Austin's favorite class. Why does everything lead back to austin? I heard a familiar ring and everyone was off to last period. I walked away and headed towards Mr. Bourget's class. I walked in and took my respective seat in the back corner. I zoned out thinking about life, more or less Austin Robert Carlile. Before I knew it class was over and I heard Mr. Bourget call my name.

"Alan, can you come over here?" In a low, raspy voice that could've made anyone flinch. I hesitantly walked over and looked at him with my piercing brown eyes.

"what do you want Mr. Bourget?"

"Well, Alan it seems like you're in danger of failing my class and... I'm assigning you a tutor. His name is Justin Trotta and he's really good at history."

I felt a clump in my throat because I wanted Austin as my tutor, but I guess this Trotta kid would work.

With that I walked out of the classroom and out of the side doors and down the road. I came up on Austin's house and decided to pay him a visit since he's sick and all. I walked up the long sidewalk that was lined with red roses and I cautiously knocked on the door and waited for a dark haired man to open the door. Austin opened the door and looked terrible. Hair stuck to his face, he looked pale in the face, and looked like he hadn't eaten in days. Maybe he was sick.

Austin POV

Great. Just fucking great. Here stands the reason of all my pain. The perfect ginger hair, the way it lays across his flawless face, his deep brown eyes that could pierce a whole in me, how short he is, and how he would fit perfectly in my arms.

"hey" I whispered, hoping he would get the message and leave.

"hey! I was hoping you were feeling better. I just wanted to check up on my friend." he practically screamed at me.

friend. That's all I am to him? He's my whole world and I'm just his friend.

Wow I was so wrong. I backed up and shut the door in his face. I needed to be alone and nobody could change my mind. I slid down the door and brought my knees to my chest as I began to let the tears stain my face.

"Austin! What's wrong?! What did I do?" he called out. I, only ignoring him.

"You didn't do anything Alan! Just please go home. I'll see you tomorrow at school."

And with that he got up and left, looking back once to see the door still shut. I felt terrible but no worse than how he was making me feel right at this moment.

-••-

It was Tuesday morning and yeah I was feeling like shit, but I had to go to school. I restlessly got up and stumbled my way to the bathroom. I walked in and stripped down and reached over to turn the faucet on. I turned it all the way over to make it as hot as possible and I was secretly hoping it would kill me. I stepped in and grimaced at the heat that surrounded me. I stood there and thought about Alan and how he would react if I told him how I felt.

The thing is... I don't know exactly how I feel. I mean I like Alan, but am I really gay? I always felt attracted to girls, but Alan is totally different. He makes me forget about every one night stand I've had and makes my stomach turn when I see him. Is this normal or am I falling in love with my best friend?

I figured time would tell and so I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off. I threw on a cutoff t shirt and my rugged black skinnies with my red vans and ruffled my hair to make it stand up.

I headed towards school hoping to avoid all contact with Alan today. As I was walking up to the school I noticed a familiar red hair hanging all over... is that Justin Trotta?!

I studied them for a minute and began to get jealous, not jealous from the lack of attention, but jealous because Alan never even noticed how he made me feel.

I turned around and starting walking back home when I heard something strange.

"Are you jealous, Austin?" I turned around with my head to the ground, not wanting to face the fact.

"No, why would I be, Justin?" I had a smirk on my face that seemed cocky, but hey at least it was working in my favor. He scoffed and turned away. I started walking back home when I felt a pair of eyes attached to me. I gently turned my head to see Alan staring in my direction with a look of sadness. What could that mean?

*Warning... Self harm*

I went home and straight to my room. It has been 5 months and what am I about to do? Ruin it. I open my closet door and dig through my pile of clothes and shoes on the floor until I found my little black box. I opened it furiously and rummaged through it until I found my trusty friend. I grabbed it and ran to the bathroom only stopping to open the bathroom door. I walked in and looked at the mirror and for everything I could find wrong with me was another slice into my rough skin.

You're ugly

You're fat.

Alan doesn't like you. 3 cuts

Why are you so stupid?

Why can't he see that I love him?

Before I knew it, my skin was covered in a familiar red substance and was dripping to the floor as more crimson dots appeared on my arm.

I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my arm, wincing at the pain and turned around to face a small ginger standing in the doorway looking at me with confusion and hurt plastered on his face.

If only looks could speak, Alan Anthony Ashby would know that I, Austin Robert Carlile is in love with him.

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So I figured I owed you guys another update since I left you guys for a while. I really hope you enjoyed this. If you guys ever feel the need to hurt yourself, shoot me a message or dm me on IG. @ofmiceandaustlancashby :) ~Kaitlin ♡