Flawsome ✔

Chapter 22 - Break-down

Tuesday, January 10th, 2017

Everything went to hell.

I can't put it in other words.

I came home after spending hours in the hospital to make sure Calo was going to be okay, but as soon as I came home realisation hit me that he might survive his second suicide attempt, but it doesn't mean that he'll be fine.

And I overheard his parents talking about sending him back to North Haven in order to offer him a safer environment.

An environment that doesn't include any bullies, any triggers from the outside world to push him over the edge again.

And environment that doesn't include me either.

Not that they mentioned it, but that's what it would mean if Calo were to go back to North Haven.

I would lose my one true friend.

The one person that accepted me the way I am from the beginning.

Except the part of me that obviously developed romantic feelings for him. He doesn't accept that part in me, and not in himself.

I jammed again and this time, there was no possibility to sit me down with my psychiatrist, since Dr. Delgado has different things on his mind than a malfunctioning kid that he only treats because it's his job.

This time, my parents didn't succeed in getting me out of my room, out of the house and to someone in an attempt to calm me down.

I think I hit my father when he tried to cover my eyes to get me to leave my room while it was still a mess. While the lights were still on and while I never got the chance to take a shower.

I hit him in the struggle to get out of his hold and I locked myself in the bathroom without the intention to leave it any time soon.

I stood under the shower for probably hours in a row, scrubbing, crying, scrubbing again and crying some more, until my skin burned, and some parts even started bleeding a bit.

I don't want to lose Calo, but I'm the one who caused him to try and commit suicide.

I pushed him over the edge.

I'm a lousy friend.

I'm not just dysfunctional as a person on my own, I fail at being a friend too.

I am still Faulty Favre and I simply don't know how to change.

I tried everything and even friends, even falling in love did not help me feel strong or happy enough to fight my compulsions. I'm weak, I'm faulty, I should be locked away so I won't be able to hurt anybody ever again.

To make matters worse, when I woke up today, Pyper was audibly coughing up fluids and mom and dad instantly made an appointment in the hospital.

I found out she was fighting another pneumonia and obviously her antibiotics didn't help.

She went to hospital with mom and dad stayed home to keep an eye on me.

I allowed him to clean some of the abrasions that my intense shower session caused before covering them up.

During the night, I've been scratching my arms heavily and I simply look like a mess.

But it's my own fault and I think the discomfort and the pain are my deserved punishment for letting Calo down.

Instead of focussing on the fact he does not accept my feelings for him, I should've focused on the fact he does not accept his own sexuality.

I should've been a friend.