Flawsome ✔

Chapter 18 - Opening up

Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

Calo kept me company during P.E. as he is nauseas because of a higher dose of meds, while I myself am a bit sleepy and feeling uneasy due to my own meds. We're a bunch of zombies, but at least we're together.

At least he talked to me most of the day and with the absence of Jimmy and Luke – who have an in-school suspension until Christmas break, the days fly by without any trouble or bullying.

People either ignore me, or they greet me before taking off again. But hey, it's progress for practically half of our classmates to say hi to me and send me a smile. It's not like I expect any of them to become my friend and I don't need them as friends either.

With Calo by my side, I feel good enough. I'm still not a fan of groups and crowds, so his company is more than enough. The lunchbreaks are spent in the company of different girls, and by now even Henry and Menno – who are friends of Libby and decided to sit with us during the morning break.

Then I had a new meeting with Dr. Delgado, and instead of mom driving me, I drove with Lorenzo and Calo, the latter having an appointment of his own at the same time, in the same building.

We agreed to wait for each other and for him to come over to my place and hang out for the day.

So far, we hung out every day since Dr. Delgado told me to confine in Calo. So far, I've failed to bring it up.

I don't want Calo to think I'm even a bigger mess than he thinks already. I don't want to scare him away. It's one thing to deal with me while I execute my compulsive behaviour, it's another to deal with it, while knowing I hate doing it, hate my life, hate myself.

Besides, since I now know Calo's condition is deteriorating, I'm scared he won't want to hang out with someone who is depressed too. What if my bad moods, my moments of weakness, trigger his? And vice versa? What if we affect each other with our thoughts, what if one of us sends the other over the edge?

"What's on your mind today?" Calo asks, sounding a bit amused as he hops inside my room balancing a bowl of popcorn, a bottle of coke and a bag of Maltesers in his hand.

"Nothing." I mutter, taking the bowl from his hand to give him a chance to properly grab hold of the bottle.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire." He sings out, flopping on the bed in front of me, handing me the bottle afterwards with his signature smirk on his face. The last couple of days, that smirk, his smiles, his laughs, they seem genuine.

"Are you... happy, right now?" I ask, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. "You seem so cheerful, genuine cheerful."

"I feel good, lately." He nods, pushing himself up while sliding backwards to rest his back against the wall. "I was exhausted last week, after my session. But I knew what to expect today and well..." he shrugs, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl. "I just accepted I wasn't going to tell him anything yet. And today, he seemed fine with that attitude."

"But you did accept him raising your dose of meds."

Calo looks cold, but only for a second, then he shrugs once more. "It's not as if mom or dad would accept me not listening to my new therapist. Dad had to pull some strings to get me in this quick, so they would call me selfish and spoiled if I'd ignore all that Dr. Creepy tells me."

"Did Lorenzo tell you that I talked to him?"

"What's with all the questions, Nee?" He nudges me playfully, the smirk back, plastered on his face.

It's not genuine.

"Can we talk, instead of watching a useless movie?"

"You wanna talk?" The smirk disappears, and he shuffles back and forth awkwardly. "About me?"