If I Die Trying ~ Yoonmin

The third chapter ~

So this chapter is from Jimin's POV. I apologize if someone doesn't enjoy first perspective ~

So we end up drinking. 

Together at dark living room of our small dorm apartment. 

Only TV bringing light beams in short distance. We didn't really talk for the first hour, neither one.

Actually it's so quiet anyone with good hearing would hear my heartbeat echoing from wall to wall.

I'm used to drinking. Alone. Not with Yoongi.

And knowing he's drinking too, the thought of getting close to him seems easier. As if, maybe he doesn't remember tomorrow. If I just... could feel his skin on my fingertips.

But this is so usual. I always think like this "if I just could...".

"Have you ever loved anyone dearly and ended up breaking your heart?" Yoongi's voice whispers. My skin gets all goosebumps. Yes. Why?

"I guess," I answer unsurely. Heart beating even faster. Yoongi's eyes open and he's staring at the wall, where a photo of his girlfriend hangs. Then he gets up and picks it up, touches the frame gently. "So what does it feel like?"

My mouth is getting dry and a sip of beer doesn't help it. "Um.."

Suddenly all the pain I've felt during the years of loving Yoongi get to me. I have to close my eyes and try to order the thoughts from blame to shame. What does it feel like?

"Like you're... it's unbearable. You're drowning and breathing all the water, suffocating endlessly. It makes you wish like you could just stop hurting so much. But at the same time you bear it for love. You wish that you'll slowly get towards the surface and be born again for them. So that you'd be better for them and they'd keep loving you. That they'd see you the way you see them. Something along that," I say and take a deep breathe not to cry.

"Someone must've hurt you deeply," Yoongi says and sits back to sofa, still watching the photo. I mumble something random. Yeah, that's you Yoongi.

"I think I understand that," he then says. I turn at him to show the questioning expression at my face. And he looks at my eyes.

Maybe for a few ten seconds but it feels slowmotion to me.

"My girl--ex-girlfriend cheated on me."

~~

My tools to deal with Yoongi's sadness are ridiculously poor. I couldn't even deal his happiness when his happiness wasn't with me.

But hearing what that bitch did to him... She's not going to survive it without consequences.

What's the worst? Yoongi's tears. His heartbreak. His longing.

In my head I'm praying to get all his pain to myself. Because if I think about my heartbreak and my pain and if I have ever gotten over it - no. 

I haven't. 

I wish Yoongi not to feel that.

At some point of being a mess and changing myself for Yoongi, I also lost my sense of sanity.  I got the tools to deal with things differently from what other 'healthy-minded' people would do in a situation like this.

To be next to Yoongi and listen to him and try to make him happy.

Instead I go to Yoongi's ex's new boyfriend. I make him drunk and high.

And I make him cheat her girlfriend.

And I film it, and send it to her.

I wish I could understand better. I wish to be normal too. I wish not to see Yoongi first

sad and then

angry and shouting at me, throwing stuff at me and arguing me over the things I do for him.

"What the hell were you thinking? I still love her! No matter how wrong she did, I can NEVER stop caring and feeling for her. And now you messed her up! Are you out of your mind? What's wrong with you?!"

These are the words I'm living with. The words in my dreams while I'm sleeping.

I wish I could ask the same from him:"What's wrong with him?" But I don't really wonder. Because he has broken my heart more then many enough times and I still love him. So much.

A/N: Yeah so Jimin is out of his mind. And Yoongi hates him.