If I Die Trying ~ Yoonmin

The second chapter ~

Jimin lies at the living room floor, not seeing anything, it's dark. Like his mind most of the times.

He wants to shake his sorrow but has no energy to do so. So tired, last night he heard Yoongi with the girl to come home late and had to witness them first making out on the entrance and then locking Yoongi's room door.

His room isn't soundproof and it felt as if they on purpose planted sharp knifes on Jimin's heart.

So he ended drinking - again. Crying, because it's their two year anniversary of moving in their place. 

Over two years of waiting still being afraid of saying something wrong and making Yoongi hate him. 

Since Yoongi came to his life, the friends he used to hang out slowly disappeared from his life. He has been in relationship with him alone, that's clearly what it is.

What's unbelievable, not even booze can help his mind to get rid of Yoongi anymore. He's ill, he wants to rip off his head and threw it to a trash bin. 

He remembers hoping that mind could be turned off for a little while. That thought came when Jimin used to have hard time during the exams, his thoughts being so loud. Lately he has been hoping or more like praying for someone to make that happen.

It literally hurts him physically, his heart feels so heavy, it's trying to get out of his chest. Yoongi's smile used to make him happy. Toxic.

He gathers all his energy to sit. Leaning towards cold wall behind, he notices an open window. Probably a moment ago he thought about jumping out of it. A long sigh leaves his mouth. 

Yoongi didn't come home all night.

He waited - like usual.

Soon it's already morning.

Jimin sits there wandering in his hazy thoughts, roughly two hours. Finally the front door opens and Yoongi steps in, smelling alcohol immediately. 

"Jimin, what the hell are you doing again!" Yoongi says and goes with big steps to close the open window. It's fucking freezing here. 

Jimin still has his eyes closed, afraid to answer any questions. He doesn't even know what the hell he's doing if being honest – just existing in painful reality without tools to run away. 

"Aren't you cold?" Yoongi asks another question. 

Guess if I'm cold,Jimin thinks yet tries his best not to show it.

"How much did you drink?" Yoongi doesn't stop asking stupid questions. 

Yes he emptied all these bottles all around the apartment floor. 

He places thin blanket on Jimin's shoulders and sits next to him. He wants to place his head against the shoulder of Yoongi's. 

He longs for a long hug.

But if he does, his heart may explode. Jimin can't take such risks. Risk of losing Yoongi.

"I was waiting for you," Jimin finally opens his mouth. His throat is dry and voice so hoarse that barely sound comes out. Yoongi sighs and turns to see Jimin's face. 

"I'm worried about you, you've lost weigh and you're drinking all the time, what's wrong?"

There it comes, question Jimin's nonexistent courage absolutely doesn't allow to answer. So he shrugs his shoulders for answer. Make him believe you're too drunk to think and understand the question. 

He won't remember tomorrow.

After too long period of silence Yoongi gets up and helps Jimin to wash up, go to sleep. Yoongi is worried and doesn't understand. How could he, it's not like he has superpowers to read minds.

Jimin feels like a loser. He's coward. He's useless, ugly and that's why Yoongi doesn't love him. He has to be more perfect, he has to have him. 

So he changes, in two months Jimin is completely different person. His black hair turned all different colours there could be. His casual style changed to leather and jeans.

Alcohol had been a part of him for a while already, but it became daily thing. 

If Yoongi is home, he goes out and vice versa. Life got little easier even. It's almost like being someone else from head to toe to feelings and pain.

He went out with guys, handsome ones and they made him forget Yoongi. Too bad he never felt anything towards these toys he saw the guys as. One of them fell for Jimin and started to follow him everywhere. This friend's name is Jungkook. He's young and innocent.

But the way Jungkook felt about Jimin was nowhere close to how Jimin felt towards Yoongi. He is fine loving Jimin one sided and Jimin also knows about it. Jungkook is actually the only one who knows about Jimin's struggle. His love is different to the point that as long as Jimin gets what makes him happy, it'll make him happy. They sleep together and enjoy each other's bodies, but nothing would ever fill the fact that Jungkook is not Yoongi. Jungkook knows that and accepts it.

~

Jimin came out to Yoongi one morning. They hadn't talked anything all morning.

"So I'm gay," Jimin said. Yoongi checked at his direction and it almost seemed like he smiled a bit.

"Good morning to you too," he says with minimum emotions and continues reading the newspaper.

Jimin squints his eyes, no idea about Yoongi's thoughts. It's odd and annoying, he wants to know his mind. Is he really okay with this? Did he guess already?

Jungkook visited the apartment once and met the famous Yoongi, but Jimin doesn't remember giving off any hints. Again, because of Yoongi, his mind doesn't shut up and makes up the worst of imaginations.

  ~

Time goes by, nothing changes until one evening Yoongi came back home.

Jimin had had a headache so he didn't go to highschool. Going to school had been little off lately anyways, if he is there, he's either sleeping or daydreaming. His teacher has recommended visiting a psychiatrist twice which has made Jimin even more tired.

Yoongi walks in slowly, head down and sits next to Jimin on the sofa. Pulls Jimin's blanket over himself and sniffs.

"Tired?" Jimin asks quietly and runs his hand through now light pink hair. No answer. Well, that's an answer too.

"Are you hungry?" Jimin asks then, staring at Yoongi's figure in the dark room. Only TV lighting up little.

"Jimin, I really don't feel like doing anything, can we just be quiet for a while?" Yoongi then says, with husky voice.

Hearing that Jimin knows Yoongi has cried and still has tears in his eyes. Something has happened for sure, but Jimin doesn't dare to ask about it. "Okay."

They watch TV – or act like doing so. Jimin, as usual, is disturbed by sitting so close to Yoongi.

"Wanna drink?" Jimin asks, knowing that's what he does everytime life sucks. Like every day. Yoongi nods, saying nothing and that's enough answer for Jimin, who gets up and leaves to buy some alcohol.

Yoongi barely ever drinks, he's not that type of guy. That's another reason why Jimin knows something is up. His face is emotionless, but eyes tell more than thousand words.

Doesn't take long and Jimin comes back with two six-packs of beer and one bottle of wine. 

A bit to drink? 

Yes. He opens one beer can and nudges it at Yoongi's leg. 

A/N: I'm sorry if this is too sad right now but Jimin's life will be like this for like next.. too many chapters :D Not gonna give more spoilers ;)