Vanilla Twilight

Chapter Thirty

This month went by in a hurricane of parties.
Every weekend I would find myself in some club or at someone's house, dancing and drinking; two things that I'm definitely not fond of.

My nights are longer, turning into mornings. My days are shorter because I've been sleeping them away.
This wasn't really how I pictured spending half my summer but then again, things rarely go as planned nowadays.

Micah still makes it clear that he does not condone whatever Derek and I are doing and I can't say that I blame him. If my sister and my good friend were hooking up, I'd be pissed too.

We didn't have sex, if that's what you're thinking. He's just been a good way to relieve built up sexual tension and stress.
Apart from the kissing, touching, and dry humping, we don't do anything else; mainly because I don't let things progress any further.

I'd be an idiot if I say I didn't know that Derek has feelings for me; he does little to hide them anymore.
He's always wanting to hang out, always flirting or making passes, and constantly wants to get alone with me.

And not to kiss either, he wants to define our 'relationship'.
So, at any chance he comes over and wants to talk, I pounce on him and make him forget what he was going to say.

I love Derek, I love him so much but not in the way he wants me to. If I tell him that it's going to crush him, I just know it will.
I don't want to keep leading him on but it's so frustrating when I think about what I need to tell him or how he's going to feel afterwards.

For one, our friendship will never be the way it was and that's what scares me the most.
Derek, Selah and I have been close since junior high, he's become a best friend of sorts.

I can't lose that. I can't lose him.

He was always there for me when I needed him to be, and the times when Micah wasn't around he'd be there to comfort, to defend, to listen, to everything.

Gosh I can't lose him.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I'm using him.
Is that wrong?

To use a person to help forget something that painstakingly kills you inside, to relish in what that person is giving you so that your mind can take rest from the thoughts that so often haunts it.

It's not wrong if you're using a person to bring yourself peace.... is it?

My thoughts are interrupted by slow knocks on my door, as I tell the person to come in.
Mum slides in, looking as refreshed as one can be having just come back from getting a deep tissue massage.

"How was it?" I give her a smile.

"Oh darling it was wonderful! Your father really knows how to show a woman a good time," she jokes which earns a snort from me.

Pop had gone all out for his and Mum's Anniversary today. He's gotten her expensive jewelry, new shoes, and they even went to an Italian restaurant for brunch.

"You're one lucky lady," I giggle.

We continue to converse about everything and nothing at the same time, simply enjoying each other's company. She touches up stray pieces of my hair like all mothers do as I shoo her away comically.

"Do you know what you're wearing for the dinner party sweetie?" Mum questions.

They were having all the family over tonight, to help celebrate their thirty year milestone.
I was excited because that meant I got to eat loads of delicious food and see all of my cousins.

"Yeah Mum, I've already picked it out."

"Okay, good. Is Callum coming?"

At his name my heart sinks, because I've been trying to forget about him since I got back but even that's been a bit of a challenge these days.
I guess I just need some more 'alone time' with Derek.

"Uh, no Mum. He's not coming," my voice is quiet now, hands fidgeting in my lap.

She sits silently on my bed, her keen eyes calculating me. Then, she stands and crosses over to me in all her glorious grace and kneels so that I'm looking her in the eyes even with my head downcast.

"You miss him, don't you."

Words dare not stumble from my mouth, because I know that if anything would fall out, it would only be filled to the brim with pain.
So I settle on nodding my head, the only gesture I can do without breaking down into a puddle of tears.

"I know it hurts honey, I know all you're feeling is pain. You will have days where you feel better, and you will have days where you feel as if you want to die.

Both are okay. There is no magical cure. You just need to close your eyes, and trust that the waves will pass, and soon you'll be able to breathe again," Mum assures.

"Mum," my jagged voice cries out, "I still love him."

She gives me a sad smile, one that tells me that she would take away all my agony if she could.
But we both know that this is a battle that I have to face and fight, not all alone, but on my own.

She looks past me now, a distant look in her eyes while she speaks.

"The saddest end to a relationship is one where you have to break up with somebody you're still in love with. It sounds bizarre but it happens, because the truth is, as powerful and as thrilling as it may be, being in love doesn't always mean you're happy.

You can continue to love someone even after they've hurt you, but you know deep inside that it won't ever be the same again."

Her words hurt.

But I need them.

She's saying things I need to hear or else, I'll just continue to be stuck in this web of depression.
Wallowing isn't good for me, for any person actually. If we can't change what's already been done, then what's the point in sitting there unmoving? In wishing and praying when the stone has already been fixed?

"I know exactly how you feel baby," she continues, still having that far away look in her hazel eyes.

"Your father and I went through something similar. We were both working at the same firm straight out of college and we immediately took a liking to each other.

We dated for eight months, until one day he told me that he had to take some time apart, to figure out himself and what he wants, or where our relationship should go. Of course I was devastated, I loved him. It hurt me that he wanted the space but I couldn't stop him from taking it, from doing something he needed to.

I cried for days on end, locking myself in my apartment, sitting in darkness, you know the works. But at a point in time I came to the realization that if he wanted to be in my life, he'd be there. I wouldn't have to run after him, I wouldn't have to beg him to stay, he'd want to. And as much as it hurt for me to pick myself up and move on with life, I did. 

One can imagine how hard it was still seeing him at work, but it became easier the more I let him go. And this is something I want you to remember always, even if you don't remember anything else I've said.

If someone or something is meant for you, they will always find their way back; no matter how long they've been gone, no matter how far away they went. If they're supposed to be in your life, they'll be there. I came to terms with that and now look where we are." She pauses to look back to me, a sincere curve on her lips as she holds my hands tightly.

"Married with two amazing children and a life I could've only dreamt of. You see? It'll all work out baby, it will; please trust me when I say that. I know you can't see it now, but a couple years from now you'll be looking back at yourself gratefully for having moved on."

And once again for my lack of better words, I hug my mother so tight that I think I might've cut off her circulation for a bit; but she didn't seem to mind.
A woman like this is so precious, so needing to be appreciated that I had to show her I did.

"Now you go get ready; everyone's going to be here soon," Mum says as she kisses me on the forehead.

She heads out my bedroom soundlessly, leaving me to my thoughts once more.
But for once, I'm not in conflict with myself; I'm not in turmoil.

Because I know what needs to be done. And I'm at peace with it.