The Baseball Player Next Door

Inning 26 ★ The Crash

After a while my knees started to feel sore, and I sat back next to him. Unbidden he wrapped his arms around me, sitting me in between his legs. He was warm and not shaky anymore, and the tight coil in my belly unwounded a bit as he drove the chill away from me.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He nodded against the side of my face. "I will be."

I hugged myself tighter with his arms. He wasn't, but he hoped he'd be. And so did I.

"I'll be here for you."

He kissed my cheek. "Thank you."

Gradually we calmed down, maybe just by the virtue of hearing each other breathe and realize we were fine. The car was fine. We got lucky. A year ago, Seb and Santi hadn't been so lucky. I shivered when I thought about it, how it must have been for Santi to see his life flash in front of his eyes, feel the impact and realize his world was forever upturned, just as their car had landed after the crash.

According to the coroner's report, Seb hadn't died on impact. He'd been badly injured in the car, still lucid until the ambulance arrived to the hospital. Santiago had never spoken about it, but we knew he'd been awake, watching his brother's life slowly drain out of his gruesome wounds. Probably trying to hold on to him even as the concussion threatened to make him fade as well.

Suddenly with a raspy voice, he said, "Did you know I had the Yips before going to Caracas this summer?"

My lips trembled. I was shocked I hadn't cried tonight. I was shocked dry.

I mulled his words over, remembering the first few months after, especially. He hadn't touched a bat after the accident.

"I figured."

"I never told anybody why."

I shook my head softly, not to disturb him. "You din't have to. You'd just seen your big brother die."

"No," he surprised me by saying. "It wasn't just his death, it was what happened while he died." He swallowed audibly. "That night, you remember? I wanted to talk with Seb alone." I remembered. I'd have been on their car, sitting in the backseat on the way to that party if Santi hadn't said no. I'd never thought about it, but he might have saved my life. His voice worked with difficulty as he continued, "About you."

I startled, blinking at the front tire of my car in my field of vision. "What?"

It was easy to tell that he was struggling with this. His body was tense and his breathing clipped. But he wanted to get it out now, and so I waited.

"He told me before the game. Seb was going to confess to you." I froze, but he continued seemingly without noticing, his voice darkening into almost a growl. "I was so angry at him. He got all the talent and glory. I didn't want any of that because all I ever wanted was you. And he was going to take you, too. That was the only thing I didn't want to give him." His voice broke. "And then we were rammed into, and all I could say to him as we were stuck in there, with broken shards and blood all over us — his blood, was that I was sorry. I was so sorry. I'm so sorry. And now I got you and only it's because he died."

"No!" I hastened to say, I tried to turn but he wouldn't let me. He didn't want to say these things and have to look me in the eye. "Santi that's not true. Don't ever think that."

"Isn't it?" He buried his face against my neck muffling his voice, though they pierced me. "What would you have done if he'd looked into your eyes and told you, I love you?"

My heart stopped and I felt nothing and everything all at once.

"I... I don't know. I would've been as stunned as I am now. And I can't tell you what would have happened."

He sighed. "I know what would have happened. You'd have gone with him."

I slapped him where I could reach — his thigh. "Maybe, if you never took your shot and told me how you felt. And maybe if you both had suddenly confessed your undying affection toward me I'd have turned you both down because I'd never get in between the Miranda brothers. Not then and not now, so don't do this to me."

"I just can't help but think-"

"Well don't." I cut him off. "Because he's gone and you're here. But you're the one I want under my skin even when you're pissing me off like now."

That was enough. I slipped out of his hold and swiveled to face him. His face was stricken with old grief and a new fear that what he said was true, and that somehow that would erase what we were only starting to build. I grabbed his tear streaked cheeks and squeezed them together, looking him dead in the eye.

"Have you never got it, Santi?" I asked him. "I've only realized now that I want you both with and without clothes in my life, but it's always been you. It was always you I tormented, screamed at, punched — I did anything to get a reaction out of you, to make you look at me. You've been my entire world and if all you want me to say is I love you then there it is. I love you, Santiago. I love you."

His Adam's apple bobbed. His mouth looked a lot like a goldfish's with the way I held his face, and despite the seriousness of the moment I found myself smiling. This was it. I saw the cloud start to dissipate from his eyes.

His words came out funny. "You're my world too, Pey. You and my brother. And I feel like I lost him because I was selfish. And it's not right that I get you all to myself now."

I lifted my chin in defiance. "It feels pretty damn right to me and that doesn't take away from the fact that I miss Seb and loved him, too. The question here is, do you love me?"

He swallowed. "I do."

I nodded, as if there'd been no shred of doubt that he'd give any other possible answer. I felt this in my bones.

"Then stop doubting yourself, us. Stop thinking about what ifs. Stop thinking of Seb's death when you look at me and just look at me. Think of me, us, our future. Fight for it. Even if it means fighting against your own green eyed monster."

After a second of no reaction, he did something shocking. Santi lifted his hands and squeezed my cheeks as well.

"I want to."

I was sure my eyes twinkled as I said, "Then it's my job to give you what you want." I gave him a sweet, goldfish kiss. "Let's go home."

the truth is all out. did you see it coming? pardon the pun.

also, driving in florida is an experience. 😳