Say I Love You

Chapter 11- If you're happy and you know it-clap your hands!

When I was angry I didn't care what I said, what I did. I wanted to be the one who won - not a loser who walked away with a bowed head. But what I did... was it right? Did I have a right to express myself in that way? I had publicly humiliated myself by doing so. Maybe when  you're angry, you want attention. You want people to know that you are doing something they aren't. Willing them to try and stop you, being a star at that moment. What did they think? Were they excited by the drama, happy that they were mere spectators. Thinking, “Haha he's unhappy, I'm not.”

 Clea. Her name popped into my head. Her face was hazy from the memories I had of the crowd. She was shocked, saddened,with a hint of what in my present state I thought as pity.  I groaned. I hadn't thought of her ever since I saw my number. Only Jessica's name  echoed with urgency in my mind. Stupid inner voice - where was he when I needed him.

I picked myself up and walked without any sense of direction, walking wherever my feet took me. Suddenly I reached the Hanging Monkeys cabin. I  stood a little away from it.  Just stood there looking at it for what seemed like hours. I wanted to go in to see her. The only thing that confused me was, I didn't know whether that her was  Clea or Jessica.

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                                                                        Clea

When you hear a song you enjoy the music, but when you're hurt you understand the lyrics.

I couldn't sleep this night either. But not from boredom. Jessica was crying into her pillow, her sobs muffled by its fabric. I don't think anyone was asleep.  All of us were dying to comfort her, we just didn't know how. I didn't know how I should feel. She was Nathaniel's ex. I was supposed to be happy that she was hurt. That he didn't want her anymore. But I felt sad and unfaithful. I loved him, then why did I let myself think of his bad side. When you loved someone, you had to only think of the good in them, forgiving them for their mistakes, pardoning anything that was undesirable. Right? Then why did I only think of his ugly truth. How he hurt the girl in the next bed without any thought. This wasn't the first time. He hurt her many times over the months, either with cruel words that made you want to scream at him or with wicked gestures. How could a person be an angel one minute, and a demon the next. I was confused, unsure of any decision. What was wrong with me? Suddenly I remembered people telling me how he was a bad boy, that I shouldn't even consider being with him. But they were all in relationships of their own, what right did they have to give me any advice.

I remembered the Karaoke and was tempted to believe them. The little voice in my head was screaming with delight and bouncing up and down on the Window of Truth. Nathaniel... where was he. I didn't see him after he had run away. I prayed he was alright. Why was it that even though he was the one who hurt Jessica, I wanted to comfort him? I groaned and  punched my pillow. Maybe coz every girl was always attracted to a bad boy......

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                                                                          Nathaniel

   I had only gone back to the cabin a few minutes before dawn, to see Alex worriedly sitting up in his bed. He gave me a weary smile and a squeeze on the shoulder. We sat in silence for a long time and finally he told me,”It's okay man. You didn't mean to.” I shook my head sadly, “I did and that's what hurts the most.” 

“Whoa he did what?!” Jack asked, jolting me off my reverie and back into the present.

“Kinda sang re-dumped her.” Dell told him, nodding his head solemnly.