depressing thoughts

12

I have never been a happy person. I tend to look at the negative in life. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy with my life. I can't remember very many happy times if any. I have always had a struggle that seems too difficult for me to deal with. My biggest struggle is my depression. It eats away at me and there is no relief from it. I don't try to hide it there is no point it too obvious. I can't fake a smile because all my smiles are sad ones only half hearted at best. I try my best to be positive but there is always something that makes me more depressed. 

I remember the first time I realized I was depressed. I was in 6th grade. I was the new girl at school. I didn't fit in there at all, it seemed as if everyone there came from a family that was better off with money than mine. Over christmas break I spent the entire time in my room in bed. I didn't change clothes or shower, and I barely ate. I didn't even realize I was depressed at the time, I had talked to a therapist because I was in counseling and she had told me I was depressed but I thought she was a loon. I didn't take the medicine I was given. 

It got worse over time I would find myself locked in a room or bathroom stall with anything sharp that I would use to harm myself. I would have lighters and metal that I would get hot and use to burn myself. I would wear long sleeves and pants every day even in the summer to hide the marks to avoid anyone asking about them. At school I would sit alone in the back of the class I would eat alone in the hall outside of the cafeteria. I wouldn't talk to anyone that way no one would find out about my self harm. I stopped reading i stopped drawing i stopped doing most things that I enjoyed and that is when I realized that I was depressed. I still didn't try to get help even then. I ended up in the hospital one time for my self harm because my mom walked in on me and saw me burning and cutting myself.

I have seeked help and got what help I can but this depression still eats away at me and medicine doesn't help. Talking to the doctors makes it worse because it makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me and that they are judging me on my actions when in all honesty I didn't even realize i was harming myself until after I did it. I know eventually that things won't be like this they can't possibly stay negative my whole life. I am working on being more positive in my outlooks on things.