10/16/2017
Dear Sperm Donor,
I've written you so many time, I cannot remember. I've written you in pain, I've written you in anger, I've written you when I felt unwanted, I written you when I was lost, I've written you when I was tired, I've written you plenty of time, in many different moods, in many different ways.
The reason I am typing this time is because this is where I write when things aren't going well, when things are going great & when things are just going. Not because I am in pain, not because I am angry, not because I feel unwanted, not because I am lost, not because I'm tired.. I am typing because you do not know I love to type, you also don't know I cried in april over a boy because he shattered my heart, you also don't know I play almost every position in softball, you also don't know who I am.
You're simply just like all the random kids I pass by during passing period.. You only see my face & for those who do... know my name. I also have very great intentions, although you always say people feel my head up with lies about you, you also don't know that I am an old soul who'd like to get to know the person I've heard about rather than just trust a couple of people with plenty of words... If I were to ask you what is it I want to do when I get older your answer would be, move to Los Angeles and become an actress because that how you remember the 8 year old Amaya, which was almost 10 years ago. Now I am into helping the people and the world in any way I can. I want to major in Nursing, I want to go to college but because I know things won't change at home, I am okay with staying in Fresno for college just for my family.
As you know I am a Highschool student, my favorite subject is history, I have friends, not many friends but I love the few I have. I've gotten my heart broken 2 times during my high school years one in Freshman year and one in Sophomore year, I blame myself not in so much of a bad way but because I was looking for old school love in people whose hearts were living in 21st century while mine was living as if I was born in the 50ths when love was everything to girls. This year in Junior year my heart still craves that love, I know what you're thinking "this is my kid?" yes sir I am, I got my bad knees from you they are weak when I play sports but that doesn't stop me, I have your humor but I do not have your heart, I don't know where I got that from but I'm sure it's just because I chose to have this type of heart, warm and loving unconditionally.
I am a very strong girl, who has so many goals that I WILL reach because my dreams aren't going to stay dreams, I am a Buddha, I believe in many different things, I also realized during the times my heart was broken I kept going for guys like you, ones who say sorry but continue making the same mistake, ones who come up with way to explain themselves when we all know they are excuses. If this letter is bashing you in anyway you're going to be okay, got those words from you! Just know your daughter who you knew at 8 years old is no longer sad because her dad didn't treat her like a princess. Your unknown child who is now 16 almost 17 is very happy with the way she is living because her life is regret free, she's loving as if she's never been hurt, she's smart, she's very talented, she's interested in learning how others think, new things & she also goes by Brooks rather than Bernal (no offense grandpa/sin abuelito ofensa) & is gonna be a somebody!
To answer your question: "Why do you want me to be in your life?"
My answer is because I thought having a dad would be nice but but after me telling you how I feel and those words being the only thing to come out really made me think; I don't want you in any part of it, have fun watching from the sidelines. Scratch that... Have fun HEARING about who I've become as a daughter, granddaughter, big sister, student, nurse, hopefully future wife & mother. My uncles, grandpas & Nino are the best dads I've ever had.
I hope my baby sister grows up with the dad I wanted, don't leave her like you did me and my sister. This is your second chance. Don't worry I am so glad you opened my eyes at age 16 in 2 months turning 17 before I picked anyone to give my heart to again, I am also glad you taught me at a very young age even the closest people will turn their backs to you, I hope the man that my path has planned for me is far from anyone like you. Thank you for your time.
Enjoy the quick hi and byes because that's all you'll be getting. "The times come that a man's gotta stop running away and face things."
Love,
Amaya Brooks
P.S
Your poem is next.
