Unforgivable Lies (Remus Lupin)

VI

"Oh really?" Remus asked "What makes you say that?"

"Well... I like to think of myself as a good judge of character" I answered, still shivering from the biting cold.

"And?" Remus insisted.

"I think that, deep down, Professor Snape is an honorable man" I said decisively, smiling to myself at the look of disbelief on Remus's face.

"Honorable? Severus?" Remus questioned "Whatever made you think that?"

"I think hes hurt. Angry at the world. Probably lost someone inportant to him....I'm figuring during his schoolyears. Rumor has it he used to be a Death Eater. Which means that something drove him to make some bad decisions when he was younger. Hes driven, motivated, and obviously gained Dumbledores trust, or else he wouldn't be working here" I was now listing things I had thought of over the years. I had always loved to analyze people, to think of their reasons and motivations. "He is disliked by most and hated by many, and he doesn't fit in. Which makes him isolated.... How am I doing so far?"

Remus was looking at me like he just saw me for the first time. Like really looking at me. An emotion flickered in his brown eyes, one I couldn't quite identify. We were looking at eachother in silence, and I couldn't help but shiver, not from the cold but the intense look in his eyes.

"...How about me?" he asked suddenly, looking at me expectantly.

I knew exactly what he meant, and still I couldn't answer him. Could I tell him? Could I reveal my personal thoughts about his person? He would know that I had been thinking about him a lot, that for starters. He would probably not like what I had to say very much. But something was telling me to do it. To answer him. It was like this urge to make him see the truth. Or at least the truth I saw in him.

"....you're lonely" I whispered "And you have a secret. It forced you into solitude, but you had no control over it. You fight it, even as it pushes you towards isolation. You're strong, determined, but lonely.....so lonely" I managed, my voice barely audible by the end of the sentence.

Remus was looking at me like I was crazy, but something in his eyes told me my words hit home.

"....So perceptive" he murmured, looking at me in wonder.

"You fight the loneliness. You struggle every day, fighting over control with whatever it is that is haunting you. People distrust you, and even though theres nothing you can do about it, they avoid you. You have few friends, and move around a lot. And while you keep fighting the inevitable, you desperately want things to be different. For people to accept you. To not be haunted by certain memories. To....live" I said in a low voice, unable to look Remus in the eyes any longer.

Suddenly Remus stepped closer to me. I felt cornered as he took a few steps towards me, my eyes cast on the frozen ground before me. When suddenly a hand appeared in my field of vision a pair of fingers lightly pressed underneath my chin, lifting my head until I was looking at Remus. His eyes were trained on my face, and the soft look in his brown eyes made something at the pit of my stomach flutter.

"Why do I get the feeling that it isn't only me we're talking about here?" he whispered, looking at me intently.

Before I could ask what he was talking about his hand cupped the side of my face, his thumb caressing my cheek, brushing away tears I hadn't even noticed were falling. And even though I wasn't fond of physical contact, somehow Remus touching me didn't make me uncomfortable. Quite the opposite, it actually made me feel rather nervous, my heart racing at the tender gesture.

Without any warning, he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me. Tears now streamed down my face as I realized he was right. It wasn't only him I was talking about. I had been doing the exact same things, only without ever realizing what I was giving up. I had locked myself into this black-and-white box, locking away my feelings and turning away from any form of human contact. I struggled with the haunting memories, the nightmares, and had fallen into depression more than once. Emotionally unstable. Unavailable. Shy. Introverted. What had become of the happy little girl I used to be? To the driven, passionate woman I knew resided somewhere inside me? Did I really give up on myself so easily? On life?