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chapter 25.

~Naomi's POV~
(This is like a week later)

"Naomi?" I ignored the voice that came from the outside of my door and engulfed myself in blankets.

"Please let me in, you shouldn't be alone right now." The doorknob twisted and to my luck, it was locked so he couldn't get in.

"Go away Jhonas. I don't want to see anyone." My voice was cracked and groggy. It was rare that I saw Jhonas but I felt like absolute shit.

"We always spend today together. Why is today different?" He sounded hurt and I gave into the equally sad boy. As I opened the door, my heart broke even more, Jhonas was a carbon copy of our dad. The tears that I refused to let go poured out of my eyes like a river.

"Oh fuck Naomi, come here." He pulled me to his chest and soon enough, he was crying too. It was always hard on this day. For the past three years we'd spend it watching our dad's favorite movies and eating his favorite foods. Today marked four years and it just felt ten times worse today. I didn't want to spend it reminiscing and trying to feel happy, I wanted to cry and scream. Nothing today felt right.

"I miss him." I spoke after what felt like forever and I could feel him sigh against my cheek.

"I do too." Now his voice was broken and that made everything weigh down even more.

~5 p.m.~
(a/n: lots of angst and feelings of anxiety. idk if this will be a trigger for anyone but just a fyi. May be mention of self-harm ((no actual action of doing so.)) if any of this makes you uncomfortable please skip to the next bold area.)

Jhonas had left to go pick up some food and I was left alone in the house. Ten was at work and I hadn't texted Lucas all day, he didn't need to have me as a burden right now.

I looked around the living room and waited to see if my mother would call me. It was 5 a.m in Korea so I knew she'd be sleeping but she didn't call yesterday either. As I sat down, I tried to get my right knee to stop bouncing up and down which resulted in my left knee bouncing up and down. Calm the fuck down. Jhonas will be here soon.

The quietness of the house made my chest tighten and I could feel my breath quicken. Tears blurred my vision and my hands balled into fists.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

No you're not. No you're not. No you're not.

The pressure on my chest became worse and I tried standing up to get water but I stumbled onto the floor, a sob choked back in my throat.

Get up, Naomi. Get up, Naomi. Get up, Naomi.

Tears began to overflow and I didn't try to keep them in anymore. My chest heaved as I broke down again and relieved myself from the pain I was enduring. With each sob, I breathed a little harder and cried a little louder. I couldn't control anything. My hands were shaking as if they couldn't wait to detach themselves from my body and to the little box I kept in my room. My body itched for the feeling I so badly tried to stop and ignore. It felt like I was crying for years but I continued to struggle for a breath that didn't seem to come when I wanted it to.

Don't do it, Naomi. Don't do it, Naomi.

He wouldn't want you to do that.

Don't do it, Naomi. Don't do it, Naomi.

I sat on the floor with my back against the couch failing to control the built up emotion that was exploding out of me like a firework. Except this firework didn't bring cheers and happiness, it brought pain and suffering as it always did for me.
All I wanted was to be with him. See him one more time. Hear his voice, his laugh. Anything.

(a/n: I cried while writing this. It was hard for me because I had an anxiety attack last night. but if anyone is struggling with anything I'm here to talk!)

I must've fallen asleep after my episode because I woke up in Ten's arms, Jhonas on the other couch.

"What time is it?" I ask while sitting up slowly, my voice was hoarse and couldn't go past a whisper.

"Midnight." Ten spoke as he ran his hands through my messy hair, eyes solemn as he looked at me.

"I wanted to wait until you woke up to leave." Jhonas was the next to speak and I stood up to hug him.

"I love you. Come back soon. Please?" He smiled and kissed my cheek promising that he'd be back before I knew it.

Ten went into the kitchen and pulled out two bowls. I gave him a soft smile, knowing what he was doing. Eating ice cream together was something that we did all the time. Something set in stone. It always made me feel better even if there was nothing wrong. I sat tiredly at the table and he handed me the bowl of coffee goodness.

We ate in silence until his phone rang. Looking at him questioningly, I tried to peek at who it was.

"Hello?"

"Who is this?"

"Oh hey, how'd you get my number?"

"Ah okay figures, hang on let me put her on."

He muted himself and gave me a stern look.

"It's Lucas. You didn't tell him what today was, did you?" He says to me and I grab the phone.

"Lucas?"

"Fuck! Thank god, I thought something happened to you! Why didn't you answer my calls? Are you okay?"

"Nothing happened to me, I wasn't on my phone. No I'm not okay. I know I should've told you before but today— or yesterday? Was the anniversary of my father's death. I just didn't want to talk to anyone, I'm sorry."

"Baby don't apologize. I was never mad. Just worried about you. I'm sorry for your loss. I know what it's like. But I'm always here if you need me."

"I know, bub. Thank you. Can I see you tomorrow?"

"Of course. I'll pick you up for lunch, sound good?"

"Lunch sounds great. I love you."

"I love you too. Goodnight baby."

"Goodnight bub."

Talking to Lucas made me feel so much better and Ten smiled at the fact that I was smiling until we broke out into soft laughter. In a way I was sad that today was over, every other day I push and try not to think about my dad. Today didn't feel like other years.

It felt real.

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HELLO EVERYONE!!!! such a sad chapter I know. yesterday was May 11, Friday. I had two anxiety attacks last night and I decided to write about it in this. today is May 12 and I'm hoping for a positive day.

SPEAKING OF POSITIVITY... YOU GUYS ARE SO AMAZING! Thank you so much for 1K! I am really trying hard to make this book into something and I love that you all love it too. personally I'd like to thank yiikkes and @haii_its_daniela for pushing me to start this book in the first place and supporting me and helping me with writers block and all that jazz. thanks bitches :) youse some real ones

These are 'instagram's' rankings and I'd love for them to go up y'all

as usual please vote and comment! I want to read what you guys want to happen or what you like and shit.