Fingertips | ✓

fifteen

My eyes flashed but you didn't take notice of them. You chose the wrong words, Bradley. 

"You were a brilliant friend. You always understood me and...and I miss you."

"Tell me," I said, forcing the lump in my throat down. "How does Cheryl feel about you approaching me?"

"I broke up with Cherly two days ago."

I laughed. Oh. This confrontation made a lot more sense after your confession. "And that's why you're here?"

This time I couldn't avoid your gaze and when those familiar eyes met mine I felt something in me awaken. I had suffered a lot all these months without you but you wouldn't know. You weren't there. Looking at you like this made my heart flutter and I knew it was because a part of me still longed for us to end up together. A part of me still wished for me to be in your arms forever as you whispered sweet nothings into my ears and made gentle love to me almost every night.

But I knew I couldn't. Not when I wanted something more. Not when I was finally beginning to put myself first. Not when I respected myself more than I did you. Not when I recognised how toxic you were being to my health. 

There were many things you couldn't give me, Bradley, and for once I was thinking about myself as I forced my lips into a smile and took a step backwards.

"Fuck off, Brad."

You blinked, clearly taken aback by the rude words that came from my mouth as that very same mouth of mine was stretched into a warm smile.

"Kareena," you begged, stepping forward but for every step forward you took, I took one backwards. I needed to keep a safe distance between us and if not for my own sanity, then be it for your safety. 

I had to admit that hearing you call me by my full name made me feel satisfied, as if I had drawn out the desperate man from within you. And even though you didn't feel as much as I did in that moment, it still gave me the satisfaction because here you were experiencing an inkling of the hell I went through with being utterly obsessed and desperate enough for you that I went to great lows.

"Just leave me alone, Brad," I said, my smile dropping. "It's hard to even look at you right now. I'm even surprised that you want to see me after all I put you through."

"You were always there for me, Kareena. And now I need someone. Cheryl's said she's done with my bullshit and that she's not too sure if she wants me to be part of our child's life and," you rant on, your words a jumble as you let out a frustrated breath at the end. You ran your hand over your hair and I hated to admit that you looked handsome doing such a mundane thing. "I was hoping we could grab a drink and talk. Maybe things will return back to normal."

"They won't." My words were a whisper. They had to be said for they were the truth, and I liked speaking truths rather than burying myself into a pit of lies. Simultaneously, I didn't quite want to speak the truth because I'd be living out a fantasy of mine since it meant living a life full of lies if it included having you.

But having you was toxic. Not just for me but for the both of us. We were better apart than together and if you refused to see that then there was nothing else I could do but tell you so.

"You don't get it, Bradley," I finally said, braving a step forward. "You made me nervous. I wasn't truly myself with you around. I was always watching myself around you, making sure I said the right things. It led me down a path I never ever saw myself following. And I don't want a repeat of that. I loved you. Then I...obsessed over you. I'm done trying to be someone I'm not. I can't love someone else when I'm still learning to love myself."

There was a silent moment that passed between us as I struggled to find a way to end this conversation. "So let me love myself, Bradley."

Moving around you and getting into my car to drive to the gym, I let out a breath that I didn't realise I had been holding. As I drove further down the street my chest felt lighter like I was finally rid of this massive weight on my heart, like I had finally rid myself of toxicity.

I couldn't love you now. Maybe I could learn to do it one day. Maybe. Men were overrated anyway.

Above all else, I needed to love myself first. 

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THE END

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a/n:  our girl finally learning to love herself! WOHOO! i'd love to see your final thoughts on this novella as a whole so don't hesitate to drop your thoughts in the comment section. also feedback would be appreciated too. 

thank you for reading this. this story is pretty short (22k words) but it took three and a half months to complete in between writing my offline project and dealing with life. i do hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it. 

special shoutout to my girl beautlies for her constant support. you're bloody brilliant babe. do check out her works. they are such great reads. if you're into something a little steamy i highly recommend Nobody by her. the drama + character building + ace writing is absolutely amazing. 

q: what do you imagine will happen in Kareena's life 5 years down the line? i'd love to see where in life you think she'll be. 

love,
anha xo