Unforgivable Lies (Remus Lupin)

III

As those questions buzzed through my mind, all I really wanted was to be left alone. I liked the solitude, the peace and quiet.

A few minutes passed in complete silence before I finally regained some of my composure. I was about to get up, but Lupin seemed to notice my intentions, for he stood up before I did and offered me a hand. I looked at him quizically.

"Don't worry, I don't bite" he said. Something about the way he said it had me looking at him intently. It was as if he was being sarcastic, but at the same time serious and polite. So instead of overthinking this strange man and his akwards gestures I took his hand, letting him haul me to my feet. His grip was suprisingly strong and I couldn't help the small smile that curved my lips.

"Look...it's late. I think I should be going" I muttered, passing a hand through my hair and the other reaching inside my robe to touch the envelope from the Ministry. Just thinking of its contents had my stomach churning.

"Then I'll walk with you" Lupin offered.

"Nah, that isn't necessary" I said quietly, shaking my head "You should head back to the Headmasters office. You were there to talk to him, right?"

Lupin nodded in agreement, but seemed reluctant to let me wander off alone.

"I'll be fine" I tried to assure him "I'm going straight to the Slytherin Common Room and the girls dormitory"

Lupin raised an eyebrow and seemed to think about my words. Then he nodded.

I turned away from him and started walking down the hallway.

"Good night" he called after me, startling me.

"Good night" I answered, shaking my head and wondering what on earth was going on. Things had defenitely changed somehow. I didn't know how exaclty, but I intended to find out.

When I reached the girls dormitory I looked at all the packed bags and suitcases, and couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness. Again I was remaining behind durning the holidays, spending Christmas here at Hogwarts together with only a handful of arudent, while all the others went home to their families.

The nightmares had returned in full force, but by now I was used to waking up soundlessly screaming, silent tears streaming down my face and gasping for breath.

What continued to surprise me was the timing. The nightmares came and went almost periodically. The first two or three weeks would go by almost peacefully, nearly without any nightmares. And then they wouod return full force, out of the blue, breaking down my spirit a bit more with each sleepless night. They lasted about three days, sometimes four or five, and would drive me nearly to the brink of a nervous breakdown or a serious depression. Then the nightmares would recede and the whole thing would start over again.

Waking up the next morning I went down to the Great Hall to get some breakfast with Jenna and Dorian, before they headed towards the Entrance Hall.

"You'll be all right, right?" Jenna asked with a sad smile as she pulled me in for a bone-crushing hug.

"Jenna. Can't. Breathe" I muttered with a smile. When she let go of me I tried to assure her "And of course...I'll be fine"

"You know I'd offer you to stay with me, but were going Skiing in Austria" Dorian said with a guilty smile as he hugged me strongly. I smiled against his shoulder and playfully puahed his shoulder.

"It's okay, Dorian, really" I answered as I eyed Jenna. She had said pretty much the same thing; that she'd love to let me stay for the hollodays, but that she was having a family reunion somewhere in France.