The Reason For Grace (Sequel to A Reason To Stay)

Chapter 33

The hours were quickly passing and Payton was still wrestling with weather or not to attend church services with her family. There was a battle raging inside of her; God beckoning her to come and rejoice with him. Asking her to lay her burdens aside and cast her cares on him. Then there was satan; He was telling her that God would not REALLY except her back. She had went to far, been gone to long. It was simply a trick to punish her. She would go and everyone would stare and point and laugh. They would snarl their noses and say hurtful things. God knew that but he wanted to hurt her for being disobedient. Payton was struggling. She knew that Satan was a lier and the father or it but she also remembered times in the bible when God would punish his servents harshly for not following his word. Could this be one of those times?

The night was dark outside her window. There was no moonlight to cast a soft glow across her room. She had left the bed hours before and paced the bedroom floor. Then she moved to the hall and from one room to the next checking in on her sleeping children. She found herself slipping down the stairs and then making several circles in the sitting room before she made her way back up the stairs. She was now back in her room. Payton stood over the bed trying to make out Joshua's form. It was to dark and she was afraid he would wake up and find her there. If he did, he might think she had gone mad. She smiled at the thought of how he might react and then she quickly shuffled away from the bed. She padded her way over to the crib and listened to the soft snores coming from Grace's sleeping form. As always her heart tugged. Would it always be this a way with Grace? Would she always feel a sence of sorrow when she looked at her little girl?

Payton squated down and placed her hands on the edge of the tiny bed. Grace stirred under the blankets but didn't wake. Payton sighed and reach a hand forth to touch the soft downy hair on the baby's head. She twirlled it around on her finger. A tear escaped her eye and she sniffled. Pulling her hand away from her innocent sweet baby she wiped the tear from her cheek.

'Lord,' she thought, 'I still don't understand why things have to be like this. I just so badly want her to be normal. I want her to enjoy life the way my other children do. The way you have allowed me to. I can't help but feel angry that you did this to her....' anger welled up inside of her and just as quickly diminished, ' Yet, I know its wrong and I feel guilty for the anger I feel. Its just so hard. I wanted Joshua to know what it was like to have his own child. To look into someones eyes and see a part of yourself there... Was I wrong to want this? Is it my fault that our daughter isn't well? Was I just being to selfish?' she sat down on the wooden floor and wiped more tears. 'Joshua is gonna take her to church with or without me.... I don't want her to go at all but the only way to keep him from doing so is running off with her but I can't hitch the wagon and I can't leave my other children behind but more than that I could never hurt Joshua in that way...'  "Lord," she whispered into the darkness, "I'm scared."

Payton wiped her eyes and went back to bed. Joshua didn't move when she pulled the covers back and lay down. He was out cold and as far as she knew he would never know how restless her night had been.

Laying in bed alone with her thoughts she battled with weather to go or stay. How awful of a mother she would be to send Grace off without her. To make her face the mob alone.... Of course Joshua and the kids and Doris would be there but she, Payton, was her mother and she had promised long ago that she would never leave her or let anything hurt her.  She felt the presence of the Lord then and heard his sweet soft voice. "Just as I will never leave you, my child. I am always here... Do not fear what men may say. Their words will die away with time yet I will still be the same. Rest my child, with Me you will find peace and safety."

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 Joshua awoke early to do his chores. He also wanted to sneak away and find a quiet place to pray. It would be his last chance to plead with God to work with Payton this morning. He needed to make sure he had done all he could to intervene on her behalf. Joshua could barely make out where his trousers were hanging at the foot of the bed. He slipped them on ever so quietly, pulled his suspenders up over his arms and tip toed out of the room. Both his wife and tiny baby were still asleep. He padded quietly down the hall past the other bedrooms and then down the stairs. His boots were sitting in front of the door and he slipped them on. He was almost running by the time he made it outside, so eager was he to get alone and converse with the Lord this morning.

He scared the old milk cow when he burst into the barn and ran to the stall next to her, falling on his knees. With his face only inces from the cool ground, his heart pounding in his chest and the eagerness of a child confiding in his parent, Joshua's booming voice disrupted the silence. "Oh Lord!" he prayed, "My God! My heavenly father. Forgive me where I have failed thee, remind me of what I am but a lowely servent here on your footstool to do your bidding! Oh God, help me to be the kind of man you would have me be. Help me to be kind to those who are not kind to me and to be understanding even when I do not understand! Help me to be slow to anger and slow to speak but swift to hear when it something you are telling me. Oh Lord, help me to turn my ears away from those things which are gossip and hurtful to others, help me to controle my tongue that I will not spread such lies. Lord help me to understand your will...." his breath was labored now, so much of God's spirt surrounded him that he felt as though he had run a mile and yet still had the energy to run another, "Lord, I know you see and hear me just as I am, here in this barn stall on my knees with the other critters you formed here on earth. Lord I know you know that which awates me today and you know my heart. You know that it is my hearts greatest desire to see my wife and daughter sit next to me in church today. You know God that Payton's heart is hurt and I know that you can mend it. Help me to be understanding if she chooses to stay behind but please God help me to be strong and firm in taking Grace to worship you. I so want my children to undertand that above all else you are the most important thing we have in this life. For without you life wouldn't be. God please touch Payton so that she has a willing mind to go with us and then that she could have an open heart to listen to the minister and that something would be brought forth that would touch her burdened heart and the chains that bound her will be set free...." He sobbed now, so open and raw was his prayer but it was the only way he knew and wanted to be with God because Joshua knew that NOTHING was hidden from God. "Be with our little family today God. Protect us again as we prepare to travel on the road to church as do so many others. Please allow Grace to be a good baby during the sermon. Be with Doris and bless her for all she had done for Payton and me and our children. Be with Payton's family God, bless them this day as they are so far from us...."

He paused, his emotions so out of control he had to gather himself, "Lord, please if its your will touch Payton that she will want to go with me to church... If not then help me to say, 'thy will be done.' Again today please help me to be the best man I can for you so that others may see in me, your Christ like spirt. In the name of the son, Jesus, I pray. Amen."

Joshua stayed bowed on his knees for a long time, tears coursing down his face. He cried knowing that he had done all he could and that he had to leave it in God's hands. His intentions were that once he stood up and left the stall, all of his fears and anxieties about today would stay there, in God's hands just as he promised they would. When you hand something over to God you promise to leave it with him and not to try and fix it yourself. His prayer this morning was him turning his cares over to God. Leaving them with him and walking away knowing that whatever happened it was God's perfect will and nothing else would have been any better. Finally when he felt his heart was ready and his worries gone he left the stall and didn't look back. He felt like a traveler who had just set down a heavy pack. He almost felt if he turned and looked into the stall he would see a sack with all his worries lying there but he wouldn't turn around to check, it would be insulting to God that he had to make sure it was taken care of. So instead he went forth and with the first rays of sun making their way over the land he went to work doing his chores. In his heart he knew that today was the Lord's Day and whatever happened would come through his hands first. It was an amazing feeling he had and with a deep breath and a smile he went about the carnel things that had to be tended to before his soul could rejoice in the house of the Lord.