---- [W -> D] ----
D: It's not my birthday
W: It's definitely your birthday
D: Give me a calendar and I will prove it to-
D: Oh.
D: Never mind
D: Happy birthday to me
----
W: It's so cute when a really fat bumblebee comes and bops against the window and immediately bumbles away like "oh deary me I am terribly sorry that's wasn't where I should have been going oh what a silly sausage I am"
D: I love your take on the inner commentary of a bumblebee because we all see things differently and I always imagined that if bees had inner conscious commentary it was really faint angry screaming and the bees just going "FUCK FUCK FUCK I HIT ANOTHER FUCKING WINDOW SHIT FUCK IM GUNNA FUCK UP THIS FLOWER INSEAD SHIT I HIT ANOTHER WINDOW FUCK" except it's really really faint because it's small because it's a bee
----
D: My deaf teacher is getting increasingly frustrated with me because I keep signing to her in German rather than American Sign Language
----
W: You have many of the abilities of a Disney princess. You can talk to animals, people burst into song around you, and it seems every other day a 'Prince Charming' type falls madly in love with you. As one of the most feared mafia dons in Gotham, it's tough, but you make it work.
D: "How did you know?" He cries, on his knees and shaking
D: Your fingers tighten around the blade.
D: "A little birdie told me."
W: You win
----
D: Do you ever think about how supper fucked up Danny Phantom is
D: Like, a fourteen-year-old boy fucking dies in a tragic lab accident, but the accident happens halfway in another dimension so he is both killed (in one dimension) and not killed (in another). Danny is literally Schrödinger's cat- he is both alive and dead. He's a living corps possessed by his own ghost
W: DUDE WHAT
----
W: What happened to you?
D: Life
W: Are you drunk?
D: Yes
W: How much did you drink?
D: A whole liquor store
----
D: Barbara is fluent in English, French, Italian, and Dutch.
D: The other day we went to a café in England and I accidentally ordered a latte in German, she corrected me in Dutch, and then I thanked her in Latvian
D: The barista was terrified
---- [The Three Muskequeers] ----
R: AS THE OLDER BROTHER OF THIS GROUP CHAT I DO NOT APPROVE
D: You literally fucking glued googly eyes on the door and put a piece of paper under them that says "I'm watching you, don't eat my fucking tortillas, Dick"
---- [W -> D] ----
D: I'm fine
W: You're fine? That's good. I'm gonna put that on your tombstone.
W: "He said he was fine. He was wrong."
----
W: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
D: Marry her off to some rich dude with seven kids
----
D: As m' wife your throne shall be the highest quality IKEA chair
----
W: Anatidaephobia is the fear that, somewhere, a duck is watching you
D: West its 3 am go the fuck back to sleep
----
D: Every soft look Steve directs at Tony is Chris Evans breaking character and being completely gone for RDJ change my mind
----
W: It takes 9 hours
D: I can do it in 7
----
D: I made a list of reasons I'm better than you
----
W: No shit, Sherlock
D: Fuck you, Watson
----
D: Welcome to Applebees, would you like apples or bees?
----
W: Its cool dude, don't worry about it
W: I just hope you didn't do that thing that you do where you freak out and stand in the middle of your living room and talk to yourself for twenty minutes
D: I definitely did not do that
----
D: A cough is just a crunchy breath
W: This is going to be one of those things that I can't get out of my head until the day I die
----
W: Hey I heard you liked bad boys
W: I don't mean to brag or anything but I'm really bad- at everything
----
D: I bought Barbara this skirt for her birthday and she really liked it but now I don't know how to explain to her that when you lay it out flat the patterns form a pentagram
----
W: I killed a man
D: WHAT ARE YOU DOING CONFESSING TO YOUR CRIME?!
D: Heres what you need to do
D: Wash the knife in bleach then throw it in a sewer grate across town or in a large local body of water.
D: Smash the teeth out of the head and collect them all, then grind the teeth into dust (IN A DIFFERENT LOCATION THAN WHERE YOU STAY) and dispose of them
D: Cut off the fingers and strip the flesh from the bone. Feed the flesh to an animal or go all Hannibal on it and consume it yourself
D: Now comes the tricky part.
D: You're going to want to get ahold of a ridiculous amount of saran wrap, a large plastic sheet, some garbage bags, a power tool that can dismember a body (pay in cash and buy it from a store outside out Central), a change of clothes, and a metricshitton of clean supplies
D: Got it all? Good.
D: Roll the body on top of the plastic sheet and dismember it. (You're going to want to do this in a fairly clear, easy to clean area), blood will spurt out of that body insanely so no time to be squeamish.
D: After you've got all the pieces nice and transportable, wrap them up in the saran wrap and stuff them in garbage bags along with the clothes you were wearing when you murdered the victim and dismembered them.
D: Now, go to an auto salvage yard and throw the body and clothes into the trunk on top of a spare tire or any nearby one you can find, throw a heavy fluent on top (either a hefty amount of gasoline or some napalm). Punch out the tail light, ignite the body, close the trunk, and get home.
D: Clean
D: Clean so much
D: Scrub until you can't anymore then fucking do it more. If you think you're being too careful, you're not.
D: Finally, get your ass to Gotham so we can form a solid alibi
W: ...
D: Oh, and delete your Tumbler
W: I was kidding
----
YOU ARE READING
Text Me Back // Book One
Fanfiction(W- Wally West. D- Dick Grayson. R- Roy Harper.) D: Want to know how I remember how to spell 'Assume'? W: Okay..... D: Don't assume or you'll make an ass out of u and me ---- W: I am entirely convinced your last words will either be 'whoops' or 'sh...
