Chapter Two: A Collection of Letters

Letter V

Letter V

June 20, 2014

10:41 pm

Xavier Messa,

I didn't write yesterday.

Maybe because of all the drama that I couldn't handle everything that happened.

I told you of getting hit on when I went to superstore.

I should've thought better when we were skyping not to talk to anyone but you.

But, in the middle of our skyping, Alexander started talking to me.

He was able to make me smile brightly while we skyped.

Biggest mistake ever.

You then knew I was talking to someone else.

You asked and you got upset.

We ended skyping.

Sighs, but today you would probably get more upset with me.

I've told you that I was faithful to you.

But I lied.

I was honest when I had said that, but now, I have lied to you.

No wonder why you don't trust me.

No wonder you have trust issues with me.

No wonder we are where we are now.

I'm sorry I don't that happened. But I told you my parents got mad at me so I could be alone to all my miserable feelings that I've done to you, and all the mixed feelings I'm having for you and Alexander.

I'm so sorry for ruining your trust with me.

But he kissed me and I kissed him back in return.

I became his first kiss.

I've developed a relationship with Alexander that has helped me think of a life beyond us. A life that could be completely different than what you and I had. A life of laughter and giggles even if it is only for a while. A life away from heartache and arguments. A life away from distance. Alexander helped me see that today.

Now, I want to try this way to another life.

But I see a relationship that could go down the same road as we did. I don't want to go there again. I don't want to fall into the same trap but with someone new. I don't want to put my love into someone so fast again and make them a rebound. They deserve better than that.

But most of all, I'm scared of letting go of you. I'm scared of going down this new pathway. I'm scared of what will happen next.

I'm scared.

But Alex told me today that fear was two meanings. Two meanings that made me rethink about life. One: face everything and rise. Two: forget everything and run.

Xavi, what do you think I should do? Face you or forget you?

What should I do with Alex? Give him a chance or forget today ever happened?

I'm scared.

I'm so very scared.

I'm so sorry Xavi.

Pams