The Only Thing That Matters

Chapter 16

 I hadn’t talked to Shane since my encounter with Blake.

 I knew he wondered why all of a sudden I just started to ignore him. Every time I came home from work, thankfully Laura gave me the job back at one of her satellite buildings, I’d make a beeline straight for my room, not wanting to take the chance and run into Shane. I felt guilty for shutting him out completely without any explanation, but I didn’t want to face him.

 I know this is selfish, but if he had asked me, I would have told him the reason and I didn’t want him to up and leave. I enjoyed him being here. Part of me loved him. But it was that part of me that wondered if I wanted this that made me run.

 Even after all the running away, ignorance, he still stayed at the apartment. He made sure to place his monthly rent on the counter with a note that would say “Here’s the rent. I’ll have the money for next month ready for you in three weeks. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.” That, of course, made me feel even guiltier for ignoring him.

 There would be times when I would come home and Shane would have beaten me there. I’d sneak in the back room window and creep into my room. I guess it made me a bad mother to have him take care of Kayden since I couldn’t face him, therefore meaning I couldn’t be in the same room, therefore neglecting her altogether. She still loved me, however, and would question my nonexistence whenever Shane was around, in which I would reply with a “I’m sorry, but mommy can’t do this” or “You just don’t understand, bug.”

 Now as I walked home, I felt a pain of regret slap me across the face. I walked passed the ocean, breathing in its familiar scent of salt and wondering why I was doing this to them. They both deserved better. It was then I decided to stick through it and face Shane tonight. He needed to know how I was feeling. Yet again, I didn’t want to lose him and I knew that that was where it would start to head whenever I explained the whole situation to him.

 A car whizzed past me, jumping me from my thoughts. I tugged my jacket close around my torso, seeing as the evening breeze was settling in.

 I approached the apartment, seeing Shane’s car posted out front. I felt the same nervous feeling settle into my body as I approached the door. Part of me wanted to bolt for the back window again, but the bigger part of me knew I had to do this for Kayden. I needed to let Kayden know I didn’t just abandon her.

 I opened the door and I could hear her and Shane laughing from the living room. As I shut the door, the laughing stopped and the next thing I knew, Kayden popped around the corner, followed by Shane who was staring at me in disbelief.

 “Mom?”

 I smiled shyly before walking into the kitchen to set down my things. Shane was still watching me as Kayden ran to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I leaned in, resting my chin on her bed of curls before closing my eyes and breathing the familiar scent of strawberries. If Shane wasn’t there, I probably would have broken down into sobs.

 “I’m sorry,” I whispered. I felt Kayden pull away and look up at me, her blue eyes shining.

 “It’s okay,” she smiled. “I’m just glad to have you back.”