— TO LOVE .
사
랑
하
다
.
it had been a while since her heart had thumped that wildly. a drum-like rhythm. it coursed through her veins and palpitated throughout her body, surrogating the paper wrecking ball that was once present in the pit of her belly. what was once a substitute to fill an empty casket of everything but trepidation, now warm, a child-like feeling, as simple as the air she breathed.
there's a reason why the sun runs away from the stars; why something so beautiful and bright would pursue cowardice from its own kind — the fear of knowing of an end. the fear of colliding into one's own several catastrophes and coming across the reality of knowing that others don't have the entire world orbiting around them. knowing that others don't have both heaven and hell at their feet. it's envy that drives her towards her fear, the envy that stops her from looking at the stars even if they're her only friends. the envy that keeps her head in the clouds.
dark, dark little clouds.
but one night as her guilty pleasure drove her under the bright, twinkling lights, she found herself staring into a pair of two little galaxies she was afraid to call his. the warmth of his gaze of smoky kohl never failed to make her heart so shy. with her pack of cigarettes tucked in the inner pocket of her thick, heavy coat, she walks side by side with a slightly tipsy stranger her mother always warned her never to follow. but now she wouldn't give a damn, as she'd forget any shameless act she could possibly do the next day if she tried hard enough.
"what were you thinking trying to get all fucked up in the alleyway of a 7/11?" she sighs, trying to sound prominent, tough— but her voice was small, timid, and she hated to confuse herself with a stronger do sunjae, which couldn't possibly exist. she suddenly caught herself looking at the side of his face, outlined by neon tones of the dim shop signs across the streets.
"what were you thinking deciding to waste your life away with cigarettes?" he retaliates, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans, eyes dragging against the cold sidewalk. she snickers, as she was reminded of how the taste of cold tobacco lingering in the walls of her mouth only sped up the process of her own demise.
"to cope," she replies.
"with what?" he questions.
"pain." her voice almost cracks, heavy like the crumbling feeling in her legs. she could barely hold herself up.
he's silent for a few, tipsy heels shuffling to maintain his own balance. "then there you go," he says. his voice becomes deep, like a bottomless ocean— words nothing but broken exhales, caving into the depths of a sticky throat. "that's my reason too."
she scoffs. "then that's one thing we have in common," she side-eyes him, then continues to look down. "but it can't possibly be the same pain."
he purses his lips, forming a straight line. "mine's the most common pain of all."
"a papercut?"
"no, you idiot—" he sighs. she scrunches her nose, and he could see from the corner of his eye. "never mind. let's not talk about it."
"alright. . ." it's quiet again for a minute or two. cars drove past them time after time and the red and white lights of the vehicles always shone against his skin. she'd catch herself staring, unknowingly turning her head to take a look at his face and how she'd notice, in a brief moment when they would walk under a streetlamp, his cheeks would be red, like a lunar eclipse. she hadn't noticed it before, but she did now, and all she could think about was how she could easily recognize the feeling behind it. how the puffiness of his eyes and the dry white lines under his jaw was all too familiar. she would often find herself looking in the mirror in pity whilst crying during the saddest of nights, and she never thought there would come a time where she'd see another with the same tragic details and the same possible rotten reveries on their face.
she shook her head, and once she looked away it was his turn to gaze at her. however, it was short-lived, as her voice would cut him off. "where are we going, anyway?"
he shrugs. "take me somewhere."
she turns her head with an incredulous look. "what? but you were the one who—"
"take me someplace far enough to forget," he says. "i've done too much thinking today. if you won't let me drink, take me somewhere to ease my loneliness with you, do sunjae."
"take me anywhere, somewhere where i can forget. because i have this gut wrenching feeling that you want to too, but for all the wrong reasons."
do sunjae stops in her tracks, the bubbling pit in her stomach intensifying into a more terrifying feeling. he stops as well and he sees her.
"wow, you really are a psycho," she prolongs her words as she tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. he sees her.
he sees her mindless action, and he feels as if he's choking on the flower petal of a daisy when he sees her delicate finger feather gardens of seemingly persephone's most breathtaking florals across her ear, falling into the late night's breeze from the tendrils of her gossamer hair. it leaves the rest of her face clear in his vision; in its most raw state, and kim taehyung brought upon himself into a state confusion and a hint of desperation, as he shouldn't be thinking about anything other than bad.
so, he shakes his head. he did not want to even think about resurrecting the delusional and naive self he'd been for such a long time. he didn't want to be selfish. he didn't want to resurrect the icarus that longed for a taste of the sun once more, because that sun his head had been stuck in for so long is gone — had left him in the stars. but he didn't want to think about his faults, not now, because the time he was having with the girl of hazy eyes and a calm, dreamy perspective of the night time is an opportunity he thinks he would never get to have again in the blurry future. she would be his one chance to forget, in the dream-like present.
so, he shakes his head, and he plays along.
