Forbidden: Afterglow

Chapter 46

     Being in this place again. My heart is racing all the ways a heart should never race in. To the point where chest pains are beginning.
    I don't want to be here. But here I am. About to lay on a table. In the middle of the room with my parents and the love of my life and a doctor who is going to tell me my life is over..
    What could go wrong? A lot. A lot. A fucking lot.
    Charley helps me up onto the table and assists me getting comfortable.
"Morning, Dakota. How have we been this month?" The doctor speaks as she begins reading over her chart.
"I've been stressed."
"Hopefully not too much."
"...reasonably."
    Charley rolls her eyes. "She's been really worried. Had morning sickness for a few mornings of the month."
"Really? Well. Nothing is certain with this pregnancy. Not yet anyway."
    Her hands uncomfortably cold as she begins the sonogram. Instantly hearing the heartbeats that I often already listen to. Strong.
"Your daughter looks to be about 11 inches. And your son is the same." She pauses for a long time.
    My heart.. is going.. to explode. Charley squeezes my hand as the silence rings.  I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop.
    Please just get it over with. Kill me inside already. Make me chose. Make me hate myself more. End some of my suffering only to begin a new.
"Do they kick? Have they kicked already?"
"A few times. It's really early on for kicking though, right?"
"In a sense. But it's good for them at this point."
     HER WORDS AREN'T HELPING. Drop the fucking shoe. Crush my heart already..
"Why do you say it like that?" Charley speaks for me.
"Because they are in the same places as last time. It could mean they are stuck in place but if they're kicking, they're just fine."
"What about the other risk? The outgrow?"
"I'm very glad to say that the risk is very low. Next to zero. They're growing in perfect harmony. My only concern is how the birthing will go and whether you want them to be doing sports or not."
    I cover my face with my hands... crying.. Crying uncontrollably.
    Charley lifts me into her arms and I hide myself. Crying and trembling in her arms... they're okay... they'll be okay...
"I would like to see you in midway through your 8th. We need to have a game plan set up for this because we're not sure how this miracle will play out."
"Understood. We will be here." Charley speaks.
    It takes a long few minutes before I realize that we're home. I pull from Charley after a long deep breath.
"Hey, beautiful."
"I just cried ugly. I probably look like shit."
"You look beautiful."
"I was so scared.."
"I was too."
"I.. I wanted her to just get it over.. to just kill me already.."
"But it didn't. I told you. I told you we would be okay."
    ...they will. ..me on the other hand.. I might really die..
"Don't. Don't. Don't say it."
"CC.."
"No. I'm not losing you. I'm not losing them. Everything went good today, Dakota. It went good."
    Her words hit me. Along with the realization...
"I'm 25 weeks. I'M ALREADY A WHALE. I'M GOING TO BE SOOOOO FAT."
"You're perfect."
"You're making me fat."
"But you're perfect."
"You is making me a faattty."
"Babe. You're perfect."
"Oh my fucking shit Charley. You're making me fat."
"Yeah.. I take blame on that. But it will be worth it."
    I hide myself in her arms again. Just letting her hold me. Restoring my melt down back to solid ground.
    A knock on the door confuses me but I think I know who it is. Either Finnley or moms.
"Come in." I say and pull from Charley.
"I just wanted to check on you because of.." mom says and sits on the bed.
"I'm fine." I interrupt her from speaking. "It's fine. It's just that I thought she was going to tell me all the things I didn't want to hear. And that I would have had to choose. I got really scared.. And then it faded all too fast. I broke down.. a lottle bit."
"Lottle?"
"Huh? What? I didn't break down a lot. Maybe a little. I did... a lottle."
"Okay, babygirl. Whatever floats your boat. I felt the 'little' chest pains from your 'little' break down. You lottle pain in my ass."
"This is cute." Finnley says and flops on the bed.
"She's making fun of me."
"I'm messing with you, yes. But at least you're smiling." Mom says and kisses my forehead.
"Yeah. Thanks."
    Finnley pokes my cheek. "Heard you got good news."
"And had a mental break after?"
"Yeah I got that too."
"It was really sudden. The relief just sent me into tears."
"I'm glad for the good news. What's next in this adventure?"
    I don't answer. Mainly because if I do.. I think Charley will be upset.
    By the end of this. I do not think I will be alive. And if I do live, mom dies because she's going to be stupid to sacrifice herself for me.
    If that doesn't happen though, I am pretty sure I will die. And I don't think mom's deal with death will be able to prevent this. I'm fine with dying. Just as long as our children are safe and healthy.
    I'm not afraid to die. I'm just afraid to lose my kids. And afraid to lose my wife.
     I wonder... where would I even go? Is there a place for me in heaven or something? Is there a resting place for supernatural beings that I don't know about?
    Would I be able to watch over my children? Watch them grow though they can't see me? Watch Charley be the mother I know she can be?
     Would I be able to see all the events I missed physically? Would I be able to try and protect them? Or would I be just trapped in empty?
    I know I'm going to die. The possibility of me dying is far too great. I'm not afraid of it but I just wonder what will happen to me after I do die.
    Everyone does their visits and leaves, only to see how I am after I flipped shit. And it ends with me about to fall asleep in her arms.
"I can't lose you.."
     Her voice is so soft.. almost like she didn't intend on me hearing. It's heavy with sadness.
"I don't plan on leaving. But maybe we should be prepared for that."
"I'm not losing you, Dakota. I won't. I won't."
"You might not have a choice."
"I won't lose you.." She says softer. I can tell she's gone into deep thought. Just as I start falling asleep again.
"I love you.. nn.. Charley.."
"I love you too, baby. I love you too."
    I fall asleep. Good news making my heart feel better. The odds of my children are better. But mine still remain so low.
    Unsure of how the next adventure will play out. I fall asleep anyway.