All Of Your Flaws

Part Twenty Three

"Addi...if I did something wrong, if I mistook something then can't you just tell me? I don't want you thinking I'm some douchebag because I misread whatever this is between us." Dylan said.

"You didn't do anything wrong Dylan. You didn't misread anything either. It's me, it's all me" Addison said. "It's always me." She added bitterly. "I shouldn't...I shouldn't have responded when you kissed me...I shouldn't...it wasn't right because I can't do this, I can't be this..." she tried to explain but she knew she was doing a piss poor job of it. It wasn't really possible for her to explain exactly why she couldn't be with Dylan and part of her wondered if her reasons were actually genuine. What if it was all in her head and she'd managed to convince herself that she wasn't worthy of having someone want her? That thought scared her more than the fact that she was actively pushing Dylan away more than she ever had before.

"Addi...I really don't understand what you mean by that." Dylan said looking so bewildered it was painful to witness. "You can't believe that everything is your fault."

"Dylan please just listen. You're a much better person than I am and you deserve a lot more than...well than me." Addison said looking from Dylan's confused and hurt looks "I can't be what you deserve. I just can't be."

"For fuck sake Addison, you're a better person than you think you are and you need to stop beating yourself up over it. I get it, I really do but-"

"Dylan you really don't understand."

"Fucking hell Addison, I've told you to make me understand! Make me understand!" Dylan snapped.

"It's not that easy!" Addison said pushing Dylan away from her and rising from where she was sat on her bed. Dylan quickly whirled up from his kneeled position.

"I'm trying here, ok! I am really trying but you don't make it any easier by being a giant asshole most of the time." Dylan quickly shot at Addison.

"You think I give a shit what you think of me?" Addison asked. "I really couldn't care less what you think or say ok? I don't even know why you're here." Addison added. She didn't need this; she didn't need Dylan's conceptions of her at the moment. She had enough shit going on in her life as it was.

"You really don't? You really don't understand why I'm here even though I just kissed you?" Dylan asked with a voice drenched in disbelief.

"No Dylan, I really don't." Addison lied. Saying that was easier than explaining her real reasons behind pushing Dylan away.

"Look, I care about you. I really care about you. I care about what happens to you and from what Brigid has said-"

"Wait, what did Brigid say? She spoke to you?" Addison asked and she felt her stomach begin to churn rapidly. Dylan couldn't just go around asking people about her. Brigid certainly couldn't respond by talking to Dylan about her. Brigid knew better than to that, she must have known better...right?

"Yes she spoke to me because I was getting pissed off by you ignoring me!" Dylan retorted. "I was getting pissed off by not knowing everything and feeling like I was out of the loop!"

"So you thought you would snoop and ask Brigid about me?" Addison asked.

"I had no other choice Addi! You were ignoring me!" Dylan quickly shot back.

"That didn't give you the right to talk to Brigid about me! What did she even say?"

"Addi..."

"What did she tell you Dylan? What exactly did she tell you?" Addison asked narrowing his eyes.

"Pretty much everything, she didn't want to but I pushed her to. She told me about what happened over the past few years...with the depression and stuff." Dylan said. Addison could feel her breathing becoming shallower with every word Dylan spoke until she was breathing in and out heavily trying desperately to not scream or punch Dylan square in the jaw as hard as he could. "Don't get angry at Brigid, I made her tell me."

"Oh believe me, Brigid is not the person I'm angry with at this moment." Addison said through gritted teeth. "Fucking hell..." she groaned running his fingers through his hair furiously

"I just needed to know how I could fix this between us and-" Dylan tried to say and it was those words that finally made Addison snap.

"Get out." Addison said

"What?" Dylan asked with outrage before his face began to crumple. "Addison, don't do this...please don't." he added weakly. The desperation in his voice pained Addison so much but this was for Dylan's own good and one day he would understand that. He had to understand that.

"I said 'Get out'. Are you deaf or something?" Addison said breathing deeply as she tried to stop the tears she could feel whelming up. Her chest was becoming incredibly tight and she needed Dylan to leave before she did something incredibly stupid like beg him to stay and tell him that she needed him.

"Are you kidding me? You're seriously going to do this right now?" Dylan asked.

"Yes, please just get out my room Dylan." Addison said turning away from Dylan as a tear dribbled down her face. Closing her eyes, she was sure that she was making the biggest mistake of her life right now. She did not open her eyes again until she heard her bedroom door slam shut leaving Addison completely alone.