Kiss me under the Moonlight

Prologue

Life was great for the next two years from that moment on. Kongpob was the best boyfriend one could ever ask for - sweet, caring and showered Arthit with an abundance of love. Arthit could never stop smiling everyday. His face always flushed with tinges of red on his cheeks whenever he was in the presence of his boyfriend. Suffice to say, Kongpob never failed to bring down the senior into a blushing hot mess with his sweet words and actions.

Of course they didn't have a life full of rainbows and sunshine. Like every other couple they had some bumps along the road in their relationship too. They thought Arthit moving on to a job and Kongpob still staying at college was going to put some distance between them. Though Kongpob was always confident about their love, Arthit always had his doubts which he never had the courage to voice out to his boyfriend.

Arthit thought that the distance and work would create a dry patch in their relationship. But what he never anticipated was that once again, his lack of courage would be the reason to test their love. He never realized that his boyfriend who had always followed him all those years would one day want to stop in his tracks.

Arthit was a coward. He knew that. He was not ready for the judgmental stares and hushed whispers around the office. Every time he passed a group of sniggering colleagues he couldn't shake the feeling that they were criticizing him and Kongpob for that photo of their kiss at the beach. He wanted to tell them that Kongpob was the love of his life. Oh how he wanted to shout it to the entire world. But he didn't have the guts to do it. He didn't know what happened to the Arthit who openly accepted his relationship two years ago at the Thank You party with all smiles and his hand around Kongpob's shoulder. It felt so right at that time. But of course that was before a handful of his friends, who he knew for a fact would never judge him for who he fell in love with.

But this was hundreds of people whom he didn't know on a personal level. This was different, he tried to tell himself to ease the guilt. But no matter how much he tried to justify his cowardice, there was that tiny voice of reason which was constantly tormenting him that whispered what he was doing was wrong. It was hurting both him and the person he loves with all his heart. The worst of it all, it had made his Kongpob to have second thoughts about their relationship. After all what was the point in following someone when they don't even know the path ahead and even refuse to hold your hand through the journey. Arthit could understand the way his boyfriend felt.

But Arthit rose up for the second time. He desperately grabbed at the remaining courage that was still locked away at some part of his heart and came out to the entire office on a stage. He was not going to lose his love just because he couldn't find his voice to announce the world how happy he was with the man beside him. Let the world laugh or pass remarks or sneer at them with judgmental stares. In the end they don't matter. None of their words or hate matter. All that matters was the man he went home to at the end of the day. The man who holds his heart till the end of his life.

Never did Arthit expect that he would once again require courage in his life. However this time around he didn't expect he would have to have a constant battle between living yet another day and closing his eyes once and for all. No matter how much he tried hard to search for the courage that he had all along his life, he was not able to find it. There were no traces of it left.

Not in the corners of his weakened heart.

Not in the depths of his darkened soul.

All his smiles, all his love, all his happiness and all his dreams about  the future had been wiped away when the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, was pulled away from his life. He didn't have the urge to wake up every day. He no more had the yearning to continue on with his life. He was reduced down to nothing but a shell of a man in his own body; an incomplete human without his soul counterpart.

Arthit opened his eyes slowly to look at his bedroom ceiling. He was lying on his bed and just like every other day he didn't have a peaceful sleep. It had been months since he had a good nights sleep. His nights were occupied with loneliness. His dreams were replaced by painful memories which were slowly turning into nightmares. The room was still immersed in darkness and the traces of sunlight seeping into the room from the window were signaling the start of a new day.

A new day.

A fresh start into a life full of possibilities one would say. But it wasn't that for Arthit anymore.

It was a burden for him now.

It was one more day to walk around without him.

Without his love.

He let out a deep sigh and spread his arms out along the covers. He turned on his side staring into the empty space beside him trying to envision something that wasn't there. He hugged the pillow on the other side, bringing it to his nose. He searched for the hint of his boyfriend in those sheets but they no more smelled like him. His eyes prickled with tears and he wanted to bury himself again in his bed and never get out. He was not ready to face life, walk through another day without Kongpob following him. Kongpob was there everytime he turned around, a face split with a dashing smile and eyes swimming in pools of adoration and love. But now when Arthit turned around he was faced with nothing but air or strangers at a distance.

It only furled his resolve not to venture anymore in this empty world. But he couldn't lie there all day he knew that. He had done that for the first few weeks but because of his persistent friends he had learned to at least try to live his life. Or to be honest at lease put on a facade that he was no more depressed. He had switched jobs. He had crossed countries. He doesn't cry every day anymore. He meets with his old as well as new friends and tries to be sociable. He doesn't show his sadness in front of them. To them, he has done a great job springing back from his depression by getting a new job and setting his life straight after those drinking binges and self protests of starvation.

But no one knows about his lonely sleepless nights and tear-soaked pillows. He never lets them know. He let out a deep sigh and pulled himself out of the bed without much enthusiasm. He was not eager to go into work but it was a weekday. At least at work he had something to distract him before coming back to a home filled with haunting memories. He dragged himself to the restroom to take a bath and caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. His skin is becoming more pale than usual. He was definitely losing weight. The ribs poking his abdomen could attest to that. He had dark circles under his eyes which would explain the sleepless nights. He has to cover it up just like every other day.

He sighed again and went to the closet to get his clothes. His closet was a mess with piles of clothes stuck into it in disarray. He had no intention to straighten it any time soon. He pulled out a random pair of shirt and slacks from the pile. He knelt down to pick up a box when it fell out from the pile.

His lower lip started to tremble and a sad smile crept onto his face. He picked up the box and opened it to find a picture of him with a glowing sun at the background. He remembered the picture vividly. It was taken two years ago when Kongpob was an intern at the company he was working then. They were at the terrace and Kongpob had sneaked a picture of him when he wasn't looking. It was one of those unforgettable days. Kongpob had said those three words that Arthit had never felt tired of hearing. It had always brought a shy smile to his face and stirred up butterflies in his stomach whenever he heard Kongpob say that he loved him.

He picked up the photograph and trailed his shaking fingers over the words written at the bottom of the picture. A single tear escaped his eyes and traced a path along his cheek as he re-read those words again and again in his mind.

Be brave, My Sun.