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CHAPTER TWELVE—GRAY
[ "People don't understand us. They don't understand me. They think it's so black and white, that he makes me miserable and that I should be with someone else and that I deserve something else. But it's not black and white at all. It's gray. It's a never ending world of gray." - Amanda Grace, But I Love Him ]
It wasn't like he was a hard person to find. Jungkook didn't have many options when wanting to find places to be alone. He had no friends and his home harbored thoughts and feelings that made him feel like shit, and the only other place known to him was the beach. It held memories as well, but at least he wasn't caged up in a box of lies. At least he got fresh air to mull over. At least.
Stepping cautiously onto the sandy floor, a wave of calmness crashed into his body and he began to relax. It was quite new for him, considering the past few weeks had been a downpour of shit, to put it simply. Being able to find solace in a place as beautiful as the beach... it was quite refreshing. Jungkook enjoyed the sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline, along with the chirping and squeaking of the birds in the area, flying around to find their families and go home. Home. It was a bit of a joke to Jungkook, but he wasn't going to ruin anyone's day because of his feelings, birds included.
He sat there in the sand for a while in silence, just enjoying nature at its finest hour but the crunching of the grains behind him broke the quietus that surrounded him. Jungkook didn't know how to react so he remained to himself, his eyes stuck to the ground.
"I had a feeling I would find you here," Seokjin's voice spoke through the silence. "I checked a few days before but you showed no signs of coming. I guess today was a lucky day."
"Sure," Jungkook spoke laconically. He wanted nothing more than to turn into the body that sat itself next to him but he knew better. He couldn't possibly do that. If he did, everything he worked for—the effort he put into getting over Seokjin—would crumble and fall to the ground floor. He used to be so happy with Seokjin but everything hurt. Was it possible for someone to be your euphoria and your dolor at the same time? If so, that was the best way Jungkook could describe how Seokjin was to him. Seokjin was bittersweet.
A sigh left the elder man's lips at the empty reply. He was wanting something more from Jungkook but he knew the only way to get him back on board was to come clean. "I'm afraid," he began, gaining Jungkook's side eye. "I'm afraid of digging myself a comfortable hole to stay in only to get stuck. Commitment to someone is an extremely hard thing for me to do, no matter how you view me. I'm not this strong character you designed, Jungkook. I have my own problems that I keep running away from. I don't want to mess up again."
It was hard for Jungkook to fully accept Seokjin's words. There were many reasons behind his struggles, but the main one was he couldn't make himself believe Seokjin was the problem. He wanted to live in his little fantasy that everything was perfect and nothing was wrong. He didn't want to admit that Seokjin caused him both the smile on his face and the tears in his eyes. The reality of the situation finally hit Jungkook, and he realized that loving Seokjin wasn't as concrete as he thought it would be. It too came with its complications and mishaps. Nothing was going to be rainbows and unicorn guts.
Loving Seokjin was going to be more pain than he every expected.
"I just want answers," Jungkook finally spoke, his eyes looking to the other for a moment. "I just want to know."
And Seokjin gave him a nod, agreeing that he would tell him anything he wanted to know. This was the moment where Jungkook had to decide if this was what he truly wanted. He already knew his answer.
