Her Secret

seventeen | a millisecond

I have just finished cleaning her wounds up and am now sitting beside her bed as she sleeps.

I'm beginning to have a headache over the thoughts that have been running through my head.

You should have called her more on the trip.

You should have checked on her after mom and dad gave her shit.

You should have known your shaver was missing.

You should have been a better brother. A better twin.

The last thought almost makes a sob tear out of me as I bite down on my lip to keep it at bay.

I know she struggles and I know she has no hope left so I try to have some for her.

Chemo has caused her to hit her lowest point. Nobody fully understands except for her, but seeing her go through it was a hell of an experience. One I wish never happened. But it's happening again.

I see Leena begin to stir so I hop up to go grab some water for when she wakes up. She always wants water when she wakes up.

As I make my way back into her room I notice she's gone. My heart stops as my brain stirs up the worst possible scenario.

Did she leave?

No. She would never.

Just as I'm about to scream her name I hear the doorbell ring. I run to the door in hopes that it's her or someone who knows something about her.

I open the door to a piece of shit whose ass I need to kick just as a song begins to play on the piano that breaks my heart.

----

Leena's P.O.V

I open my eyes just as I hear Dylan leave my room. No doubt to grab me some water.

This isn't the first time.

I know I have to leave the room before he comes back if I have any hope of leaving this bed before tomorrow and there's really only one thing I want to do right now.

Well beside talk to Zach. Something I'll probably never do again.

I walk up the piano and let the words to Sam Smith's Pray  poor out of me.

I'm young and I'm foolish, I've made bad decisions
I block out the news, turn my back on religion
Don't have no degree, I'm somewhat naive
I've made it this far on my own
But lately, that shit ain't been gettin' me higher
I lift up my head and the world is on fire
There's dread in my heart and fear in my bones
And I just don't know what to say

As I sing I see the my memories of my life before cancer zoom past me. I see my friends and I at the town fair. I see Zaina and I running away from Noah and Daniel so we can try and hit on guys. I see the four of us cuddled up on the couch binge watching The Office. I see myself happy. 

I see Dylan and I growing up. I see us learning to ride a bike together. I see our first day of school. I see Dylan pushing a boy that tried to play with me in the first grade. I see myself happy.

I see Zach and I's road trip. I see us sky diving and I see us kissing. I see myself blissfully ignorant of my fate.

Maybe I'll pray, pray
Maybe I'll pray
I have never believed in you, no
But I'm gonna pray

The tears start streaming down my face as I sing and play the song. A sob almost tears out of me as I begin to imagine the future I may never have. I see myself going off to college. I see myself in my first apartment, at my first day of work, walking down the aisle. I see a me that doesn't exist.

You won't find me in church (no) reading the Bible (no)
I am still here and I'm still your disciple
I'm down on my knees, I'm beggin' you, please
I'm broken, alone, and afraid
I'm not a saint, I'm more of a sinner
I don't wanna lose, but I fear for the winners
When I try to explain, the words run away
That's why I am stood here today

I see a future that no matter how hard I try to fight for, rests in the hands of fate. I'll never get a say in if I live or die. I don't get to fight. I don't want to fight. I don't want false hope. I want real hope. I want a real chance. I want a real life.

And I'm gonna pray (Lord), pray (Lord), maybe I'll pray
Pray for a glimmer of hope

Just as I finish the song I tilt my head down and try to calm myself down and stop my tears. I feel eyes on me and I don't want to see the sadness and despair on my families eyes. I can't see anymore of that.

I look up as I wipe my tears while saying "I'm fine guys. Sorry about earl-"

I abruptly stop my sentence when I see whose standing in front of my piano.

My heartbroken mother.

My helpless father.

My devastated twin brother.

And my dejected Zach.

"Zach?"