Miserable at best

diamonds

cut like diamonds and sink like stones
starve myself till i'm skin and bones
so much older than i ever though i would be
-like hemmings
diamonds

luke was crying and writing songs. he had been doing an outpatient treatment program for about a week now. he was there for breakfast and lunch, they supervised him and he was in a constant therapy until 4pm. ashton was doing a similar program but luke's was geared towards those with eating disorders. his therapists suggested writing songs as a coping mechanism and he was working on one he was calling diamonds.

it was helping a bit, like a release. he didn't realize how much he wanted to say everything he was writing until he was writing it. maybe ashton should try doing it too. he was able to write down everything he was feeling without having to tell anyone how bad it was truly getting. he knew he wasn't doing anything good to himself.

a few nights ago, luke woke up feeling particularly horrible. ashton was sleeping and he felt like he wanted to die. he had become more suicidal recently but he wasn't telling anyone. they would just become more concerned than that needed to be. he walked into the bathroom and dug through ashtons side of the bathroom to find a blade. he had never gotten to this point before because he didn't get it but now he did. his thoughts were too much and he just needed something else to concentrate on so without thinking he dug the blade he found into his wrist and fuck did it hurt. he cut a few more lines into his dainty wrist. he looked at himself in the mirror, the suicidal thoughts had disappeared and he was focused on the pain he had caused himself. he tossed the blade into the toilet, ashton shouldn't be cutting, and flushed it. he looked out the door and was relieved to see ashton was still sleeping. he pulled off his tee shirt, trying not to get the blood on it and pulled on a black jumper before sliding back into bed with ashton.

luke never told ashton about the incident and had been rocking with long sleeves. ashton didn't suspect anything either and he was feeling okay. he hadn't self harmed in a few weeks give or take.

.
flash back forward to present
.

ashton walked into his and luke's bedroom with tears streaming down his face. he talked to management today, they didn't have any new music. him and luke were both in mental health treatment. they weren't active on social media at all. management was debating on dropping them which put ashton on edge more than he was already.

he dug through his things in the bathroom, looking for his blade. dumping out baskets and bags before deciding it wasn't here. he ran downstairs to where luke was writing "where the fuck is my blade"

luke's heart skipped a beat and he turned to face ashton "i don't know? i didn't know you had one still"

"i can see it in your face that you know luke where the fuck is it" luke stayed silent and bit his lip

ashton walked up behind luke and glanced over to what luke was writing. "cut like diamonds? like how they're sharp and shit? did you cut with my shit?"

luke stayed silent

"are you fucking kidding luke?" ashton pulled back from behind him "i don't get it? you're so against me cutting but you did it? why?"

luke looked at what he was writing once more and then shifted in his chair to face ashton "i wanted to kill myself, thought it'd help and it did. but i flushed it. i can't do it and neither should you. and yeah i'm a fucking hypocrite so fucking what"

ashton sat down on the arm of the couch in the connected living room, "why didn't you just talk to me?"

"why don't you talk to me when you feel suicidal unless i press"

"fine i'm a hypocrite too! but it hurts me that you're hurting yourself, whether it's self harm or starving yourself it fucking sucks for me luke. i would rather you talk to me, please or write if that's helping you"

"that's the same way i feel with you though ash. please"

ashton nodded and up to luke, wrapping his arms around him from above he closed his eyes and luke reached up and wrapped his arms around ashton's back "i'm sorry" they both said at the same time and chucked briefly

"do you wanna sing me the song you've been writing?" ashton asked when the pair pulled apart and luke shook his head but ashton insisted and eventually luke cracked. he could only resist him so much. he grabbed his guitar out of the practice room and sat down on the couch before he started singing.

"it's really fucking good luke"

"thanks" luke mumbled "i think i wanna release it as myself. not like band. i don't know if i'll ever actually do it"

ashton smiled and sat down next to luke "you should release it, amazing" the pair sat in silence for a few minutes before ashton mumbled "can i see the damage"

luke rolled up his left sleeve and ashton nodded and kissed luke's cheek "did you clean them or anything after you did it"

luke shook his head and ashton nodded "it doesn't look infected or anything but we should clean it clean it"

the pair made their way to the upstairs bathroom where ashton kept his self harm clean up kit. luke sat on the counter while ashton dug around to find what he needed. "it's gonna hurt a little" ashton said as he opened an antiseptic wipe and wiped on and around luke's cuts, he then washed them off for his boyfriend and put some neosporin on them before kissing luke's lips. "you should tell them at outpatient tomorrow yeah?"

.
time hop about 2 weeks
.

michael, calum, luke, and ashton were sitting in luke's practice room in his house. they had been trying to write new music for a few hours now but nothing was getting done so ashton suggested that luke played the song he had written days ago to get the boys opinions on it which he hesitantly obliged to. when the boys heard it they knew it was special. it was an amazing song, michael teared up because he could relate.

"release it luke, yourself. it's not something we should all be on but it's amazing" calum said and luke nodded. "you can just film it like we used to and release it, they're gonna love it" and he did just that. he set himself up in the music room and recorded a acoustic version of his new song, people were gonna be interested. they had suspected something was wrong with him recently, he got ambushed by paparazzi leaving therapy one day that he looked particularly bad but he wasn't letting himself think about the fans reactions. he was doing it for himself.