Miserable at best

tragedy+time

nothing  matters but the pain, you're all alone
the never ending nights when you're awake
when you're praying that tomorrow, it's okay
-rise against
tragedy+time

ashton started at the sharp piece of metal for what felt like years but had only been about 30 seconds tears streaming down his face, only thought at the moment being how this would relieve the pain he felt, how alone he felt in that moment.

ashton slid down the side of the bathroom stall blade in hand debating weather or not it was worth it before pulling out his phone

42 MISSED MESSAGES FROM PENGUINLOVER69

idontknow69: i'm starting at a blade and i'm scared

penguinlover69: it's gonna be okay, you dont need to hurt yourself

idontknow69: it would help i think

penguinlover69: it's not worth it. i have a friend who went though it. he was really strong and stopped. you've gotta right the urge. go do something mentally stimulating.

ashton looked at the blade once more before tucking it back in his phone case and wiping his eyes. he unlocked the stall door and walked to the mirror. tear stains were plastered on his face, he splashed his face with water and looked back up. it was obvious he had been crying, he sighed he hoped that tomorrow this wouldn't be as bad. ashton walked out of the bathroom knowing he would be questioned about the tear stains by his band mates

luke was the first one who noticed. then michael and last but not least calum

"ash were you crying" luke whispered to ashton during rehearsals

"i'm just not feeling great" ashton mumbled back not lying

luke gave him a sad smile "you gonna be okay to do this?" he asked and i nodded "let us know if you need anything" luke said pulling out his phone, ashton soon pulled out his own phone and plopped onto the couch near them before opening his peer therapy app

penguinlover69: i'm worried about my friend

idontknow69: why

penguinlover69: i think he was crying but he just said he wasnt feeling good

idontknow69: i mean not feeling good can be more than just being sick, can be mentally not feeling well. but i also always sob when i throw up so maybe he's being legit

penguinlover69: youre right, maybe ill prod a little, did you self harm

idontknow69: no

penguinlover69 are you alright

idontknow69: i guess. i just feel like my friends couldn't care less about me. like if i opened up to them and told them what was wrong that they wouldn't care and that's scary for me

penguinlover69: i get that. i feel the same way. i haven't eaten for a few days now and i know that's bad but i also want to tell my friends i'm struggling so they can try and help me but i'm scared.

idontknow69: we should make a deal

penguinlover69: not a suicide pact, im not suicidal or anything

idontknow69: ugh so cheesy of you. i mean we have to pick a day to both tell our friends what we're going through

penguinlover69: and then the day after we should meet up

idontknow69: ooh good idea

penguinlover69: so how about next month

idontknow69: sounds good to me

-
luke was trying to  make sure he didn't pass out. he was constantly on the verge of passing out which wasn't fun when your job is to be happy on stage.

luke knew if he took it too far he would end up in a hospital and he didn't want that but he thought he looked so incredibly fat. looking in the mirror caused him to feel sad so he constantly avoided them which was hard when switching from hotel to hotel and almost every hotel had at least 1 mirror

suddenly luke felt sick and he hunched over placing his head in his hands. this had happened multiple times this week and luke knew his body was mad at him for not eating, so hungry he felt like puking

calum walked by and sat down next to luke "you alright mate? you dont look too hot"

"i'm not feeling the best. a bit nauseous" luke said knowing he wouldn't throw up- what would there be to throw up? an apple from monday? it was thursday, she was long gone

"are you gonna vomit?"

luke shook his head slightly while calum nodded and eventually they decided on heading back to the hotel as luke was obviously not up for a concert and ashton saying he was feeling sick earlier made them decide there had to be some bug going through the 5sos boys. which luke didn't protest, constantly acting okay was hard but being sick and miserable was expected.

walking into his room luke plopped onto his bed laying back. he had convinced the boys he was okay and he was going to take a nap. as luke laid back he sighed it was going to be a long month