Together (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Goodbyes

Harry's Point of View

The ride to the airport was a quiet one. It was early in the morning and I could tell Louis was sleepy, as he was never a morning person to begin with. But that wasn't why he wasn't speaking.

After Louis made the decision to go to England, after he booked his tickets and signed up for his rehab program, we had talked. I mean actually talked. About us, and about him and everything he was going through.

"Lou, I don't want to be selfish here. I can't tell if you want me in your life or not. And if you do, I can't tell how you want me in your life — just a friend or something more. I'm leaving this decision entirely up to you. Because It's really your choice," I had told him over a cup of tea once he was finally situated with his plans.

Louis nodded and looked into his tea cup, trying to do anything he could to avoid my gaze. Since his purge session a few nights prior, he had been doing better. At least to my knowledge. I ate as many meals as I could with him, and he had kept in touch with Zayn, which seemed to be helping despite their emotional argument. He wasn't eating much— but he was eating, and that's all I could ask of him at the moment.

But not even the soft sunlight could hide his angular bones and thinning face. And I knew that what Louis needed more than anything in the world was professional support, which was something that I couldn't give him.

"I... I don't know," Louis finally said, his eyes darting guiltily towards my face and back to the teacup.

I nodded. Even asking him to choose seemed to be putting too much pressure on him. Maybe, I was just too much. Maybe he just needed time and space on his own. My recovery had been different; I went to my doctors for help, but I relied on Louis for nearly everything else emotionally. For him, it seemed like he might prefer to brave this journey alone, and I had to respect that.

"It's okay. You don't have to know. Just focus on your recovery," I said, leaning forward and kissing his head gently.

I got up to wash the dishes, but Louis grabbed my shoulder, his weak grip hardly restraining me. "I really will miss you. And I really do love you," he said, his blue irises shrinking as his eyes dilated. "It's just, my head is very confused. My thoughts and feelings are jumbled. I'm not certain about anything. I don't want to make promises that I can't keep..."

I nodded. "I know the feeling, love. It's okay. Honestly, I'm just here to support your decisions. Don't want to stress you out more," I said, though I knew I was lying partially. A part of me wanted to be here for something more, something romantic.

It wasn't too long after that conversation that Louis had packed his bags and hopped into my car to head to the airport. And now here we were, only ten minutes away from arriving. As I gripped the steering wheel, I felt my heart thumping out of my chest and tears welling in the back of my eyes. I didn't want to get emotional, but I knew it would probably happen. I'm not good at hiding my feelings.

"Almost there," I said quietly, watching Louis through my peripheral vision. He was looking at the window, his tiny hands struggling to wrap around his oversized iPhone 8 Plus. "Are we?" He muttered, rubbing his eyes lazily. "Tired."

"I know you're tired, love," I said with a little laugh. "Just wanted to let you know I'm gonna miss you."

Louis nodded, tugging on the strings of his hoodie. "I know. Me too. But I'll call you and everything. And zayn too. It's only 3 months," Louis said, assuringly, though the crack in his voice implied a bit of uncertainty.

It was only three months — but after two years apart, I couldn't wait anymore to be with him. My heart hurt just thinking about not being able to see him everyday, not being able to touch him or hold him. Even if what we had was hardly a relationship, it was something, wasn't it? And that was good enough for me.

We had more sex, after that one time. I felt bad doing it with him. Guilty almost. But Louis was always the one to initiate it, and he was always persuasive. I began to wonder if he kept topping to burn calories, so I asked him if I could top a few times. It just terrified me, having him exerting himself so much. His dizzy spells were getting worse and so were his heart palpitations. We probably shouldn't have been having sex at all.... but I truly couldn't resist myself once he got his hands on me.

But sex or no sex, I still loved him. And I still wanted him to get better, to feel better. And I knew that going to England was the right decision, even if it felt impossible to be apart from him for so long.

"I know you'll call. I'll call too. But I'll miss you all the same, Lou," I said, signaling to turn off the highway as we reached the exit for JFK.

A few minutes later, I was helping Lou with his suitcases in the front entrance of his terminal. I was worried if he could even carry them inside— I would have went in with him but the parking was 50$ for one hour.

"I love you, Harry," Louis said, stepping on his tip toes to give me a hug before leaving. His thin arms draped around my shoulders and I scooped him up, allowing him to latch on like a koala as I held him.

"Love you too, LouBear," I replied. He leaned in and kissed me, our lips connecting for the last time in a long time. I just hoped and prayed that the next time we met again at an airport terminal like this, it would be with a healthy Lou. A happy Lou. My Lou.