Just keep breathing

Chapter 37

I glance at the date flashing on the alarm clock on Harry's bedside table. And realise stupidly, that although it seems like longer, I have only actually known this man for a little over six weeks.

Six weeks... That's all. And I just told him things about myself that I have never even told my family. I must be crazy. Mel was right though. This does affect him. He's going to be asked about it. It might affect his career. He deserves to know the truth. Only he can decide what he wants to do with it.

I finished recounting my story to him eight minutes ago. He hasn't spoken since. Hasn't looked at me. I don't think he's moved at all since I walked in the room.

He is a statue. Perfectly still with his back to me on the oversize bed, staring out of the window at something I can't see from my position by the door. Old habits are creeping back in, the old defence mechanism of staying as close to the exit as possible at all times in case I need to get away.

Harry finally moves, he reaches for a glass on the table beside him and drains it. Then, without warning, his arm stretches back, and he throws the now empty glass across the room.

It crashes into the wall by the window and smashes into pieces. I can't help but shy away from the noise. I reach out and put my hand on the doorknob, ready to run, when finally, he speaks.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"S'ok. I think you pretty much have a free pass to do whatever you like right now. I'm in no position to complain."

Slowly, he begins to turn on the bed, so he is facing me for the first time since we arrived at the house, was that really just a few hours ago? It feels like a lifetime. I gasp in horror as I finally catch sight of his tear-stained face.

He isn't still crying, the streaks on his face are starting to dry, but his eyes are red and glistening.

Every part of my body screams to run to him, to wrap my arms around him and kiss away the hurt expression on his face, but I know he won't thank me for that right now, so I force myself to stay still, clasping my hands behind my back to stop myself from reaching for him.

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I haven't heard from him in over a year. I had no reason to think he would... I should have known better. I'm sorry. I should have stayed away from you."

"Will you just stop?!" He roars, startling me as he stands up, "Stop fucking apologising, OK? It's not your fault. None of this..." He trails off, and his eyes darken as he returns his gaze to the floor.

He can barely look at me. Whether he blames me or not, knowing this about me changes things between us. It's clear from the look in his eyes.

"I should go," I say quietly.

His head snaps up, and he finally looks into my eyes, he's searching for something in them, I can see it in his expression, but I don't know what he is looking for, so I opt for just looking back at him.

I catch myself trying to memorize the different shades of green in his eyes, so I can remember them when he's gone.

"You don't need to go" He replies finally. "I'm sorry, I am being utterly selfish right now, you are going through hell, and I am just sitting here like an idiot. It's just. It's a lot to take in. I want to kill him."

"I know. I'm sorry." I repeat.

As he starts to walk towards me, I can't help flinching back against the wall, its a reflex. I know he would never hurt me, but with everything that happened before at the forefront of my mind, all my old instincts are back in full force.

I see the horrified look in his eyes as he abruptly stops and raises his hands, palms forward-facing me, in a gesture meant to show me that he means me no harm.

"I would never.. ." He starts to say quietly, but I cut him off.

"I know. God Harry, please don't think I don't know that. It's just that going through all this today has been hard, its brought some things back to the surface that I used to do automatically, put me back in that mindset. I know you would never hurt me like that."

He starts to move towards me again, slowly, I keep eye contact with him and hold my body still, determined that I won't flinch away again. When he is a few feet away he reaches out a hand and gently takes one of my smaller ones in his, the un-bandaged one, bringing it to his soft lips to kiss my knuckles.

I feel my body relax as this simple, sweet action and expel a long breath. Harry seems to take this as some kind of sign, pulling me gently into his arms and holding me against his chest. I bury my head under his chin, and for the first time since we got out of the car, I feel safe again.

"I promise I will never let anything like that happen to you, ever again." He mumbles into my hair.

I can hear the tears in his voice and pull back to look at him. I am racking my brain for something I can say, anything that will stop the tears from falling down his beautiful face.

"But, the article, Harry.. I've caused you so much trouble. I know you can't... I mean.. I know we can't be together now. It's OK. I understand, really." I say quickly.

Harry's head snaps up, and his eyes find mine, the expression on his face has turned from sadness to confusion, his eyebrows are knitted together, and there are creases in his forehead.

"What? What do you mean? Katie, I am NOT leaving you!" He almost shouts into my face

"How could you even think that! I told you, I told you last night how I feel about you, nothing has changed. If anything, this just makes me want you more. I need you, Katie," He finishes softly stroking a finger down my cheek

"Please, I know I've been a complete wanker today, the way I reacted... but, can you forgive me?"

I stare up at him in wonder, seeing nothing but sincerity in his glistening green eyes. How can this be possible? That after hearing all of that, he could still want me in his life, after all the trouble that article will have caused.

I bet Twitter is in complete meltdown and its safe to say Jeff will be even more against us now.

"Harry, there's nothing for me to forgive you for," I whisper focussing my gaze firmly on the floor as I take a step back from him. "But I really do think I should go."

As I take another small step backwards, Harry's strong arms reach out and grasp my biceps, not hard, but firmly, stopping me from backing away and forcing me to look up at him.

"You're not going anywhere. I'll talk to Jeff. We'll figure out a way to limit the fall out from the article. But you aren't leaving me, Katie. Not unless it's what you truly want."

No sooner are the last words out of his mouth than he pulls me towards him and pushes his lips against mine, I am shocked at the fire that ignites deep in my belly at his touch, how is it that even in the midst of all this, he can make me feel so alive? As the kiss finally comes to an end, Harry wipes a tear from the corner of my eye.

"Do you want to leave me, baby?" He whispers.

"No," I admit. "I'm falling in love with you too, Harry. I can't imagine being without you."