Miserable at best

breathe me

"can you talk to me? about anything ash, i just need to not think about doing this"

he nodded and walked over to luke, sitting next to him "i think i'm gonna go to target later"

"why what do you need" luke said, picking his spoon back up and taking a bite of cereal

"we're running low on coffee i think shampoo too" he wanted to buy blades.

"do you wanna go after breakfast"

ashton bit his cheek. "i was thinking about going with calum? haven't seen him in awhile. thought maybe you wanted to nap since you got up early"

luke nodded, he wasn't wrong. luke was super tired and the coffee didn't help much but maybe ashton could get them more coffee if he went out. "yeah nap sounds good, maybe you can pick up starbucks on the way home? americano?"

"of course. i'll go in a hour or two" he looked down at luke's bowl, he was almost done "wanna watch something while that digests?"

luke sighed and nodded, he really wanted to go for a run to work off that cereal but he knew ashton wouldn't let that slide. maybe when he went out but the motivation will probably pass by then if he was gonna be honest with himself.

the two sat down, watching whatever movie ashton turned on and when it was over luke was exhausted. sitting for 2 hours not doing anything made him even more tired "gonna nap, have fun at the store. don't forget starbucks" he mumbled while he walked upstairs which ashton followed him to. luke laid down and ashton grabbed a pair of shoes and headed out, not before placing a kiss on luke's forehead while he drifted asleep.

-

luke woke up a few hours later well 12:46 to be exact. he walked downstairs confused to not see ashton and grabbed himself a supplement shake. not feeling like eating something. he pulled out his phone and called ashton who didn't answer before calling calum who answered right away

"yeah?" calum asked on the other side of the phone

"hey? where are you guys" luke asked, taking a sip of his drink

"what? i'm at home?"

"ash said he was going to target with you earlier?" luke said sitting down on the kitchen counter

"um no he hasn't talked to me in awhile. thought he was mad at me to be honest"

"why would he be mad?"

"i don't know. last time we hung out he got trashed and i mentioned something to him about cutting back on drinking. he got mad but maybe he's not mad? anyways i don't know where he is?"

"weird. okay thanks"

"yeah let me know when you find him"

he then called michael, who had basically the same conversation with him. by the time he was done calling he had finished his shake and tried calling ashton again who answered right away this time.

"hey luke i'm on my way home. did you eat lunch?" ashton asked over the phone while he sat in his car. he had just left target after buying what he told luke he would but what he needed as well.

"um yeah i had a supplement. how's calum?"

"turns out he was busy but i'm heading to starbucks now"

luke furrowed his brows "how are you?"

ashton smiled to himself. he had just relapsed in the target bathroom and was feeling better now "i'm good, heading through the drive thru but i'll be home in 5 can we talk then"

"uh yeah. you sure you're okay? i know it was a little rocky this morning"

"yeah i'm fine. ill see you at home okay?" ashton said hanging up the phone leaving luke standing in the kitchen confused as hell by the conversations he just had. why did ashton not want him to come to the store with him? he got up from the counter and pondered over it before basically having a lightbulb moment, he was buying blades. ashton didn't have any since luke went through his whole house and got rid of them. he kept his razor hidden and knew how ashton felt about self harming with a knife.

when ashton walked inside luke met him at the door and stared at him "take a picture it'll last longer" ashton said

"let me unpack the groceries" luke said taking the bags from ashton who had no problem giving them over. luke was shocked by this but maybe he had them on him. maybe he already did it and that's why his attitude switched. "roll up your sleeves ash"

ashton furrowed his brows "what? why?"

"please just do it"

"no"

luke stared at him. "ashton"

ashton shook his head and luke grabbed his arm and rolled up his sleeve for himself only to be met with exactly what he thought he was gonna see. fresh cuts. blood stains on the inside of his sleeves.

"fuck ashton" luke said running his hand over his face "why didn't you talk to me instead?"

ashton avoided luke's eyes knowing if he looked into them he would cry "i'm sorry"

luke cupped ashtons face in his hands and raised it so they were making eye contact. he gave him a look that said 'i love you but i'm also a little disappointed' which made ashton burst into tears. luke engulfed him in a hug letting ashton cry it out

"i love you ash yeah?" luke said into his shoulder and ashton nodded