Ruler [Blood Magic, Book 3]

Chapter 28: Kiss and Tell

"Sit." Another tap. 

I sat down, not where he'd signalled me, but further down the bench, just out of reach, not that a few inches would matter to a Nosferatu.

"So this is where you're hiding."

"Not exactly hiding," I said.

"True."

"How long have you been watching?" I looked at the ceiling. It was no secret this place was wired; I'd flipped through it regularly during my own surveillance.

"Long enough."

I gave him a pointed look.

"Since you didn't show up at work, and I learned you'd been to see Arthos."

I bowed my head. "I'm an idiot, Your Majesty. I read all the books, aced all the quizzes, but then when it comes to taking that and translating it into real life, I screw it up."

"You haven't done so bad." Keel was more conciliatory than he had been at any point since my big revelation. It didn't make what I had to say any easier.

"On the small stuff maybe." I fidgeted with my fingers in my lap. "But you're right. I don't look at the big picture. I never have."

Neither of us said anything for a long time. Myriad scenes played in my head, all from the day Keel first brought me here. My curiosity and horror. How he'd stood just a little too close, and how his proximity had tingled my skin. And how all these artifacts meant the same things now as they did then, but also something totally different. Just like Keel - the same but totally different. I'd changed too. I lived in two worlds but belonged in neither. I was supposed to be light, remain light, but I'd fallen and broken the bulb and feared the glow dulled more each day. Keel would keep wearing me down with his half truths and mood swings and bond-tinged seduction. He might have thought he'd lost, but that wasn't true. If we continued like this, he would win. His was a war of emotional attrition. I'd cursed him with hasty mortality and he'd cursed me with all the rest.

He'd asked me who he'd be on the other side, but what about me? Who would I be at the end of this? Would I even recognize myself? Was that another selfish question? Or an important one?

A headache bloomed behind my temples. 

"I don't think I can do this, Your Majesty." I said it to the floor, unable to face his reaction.

"I thought you wanted the job."

"No, more than that. You. Me. The bond. All of it. I don't belong here and no amount of lessons or tutoring is going to change that."

"Because you keep fighting." I expected Keel to make an effort to touch me or use the bond to get his point across, but he kept to himself.

"No, because I can't make any of the decisions I'm expected to make."

"Because I'm not him." A familiar rush of anger and darkness tinted his words.

"And because I'm not a proper sorcerer. I'm a teenager with some incredibly unrefined magic who got herself mixed up with vampires."

"You mean whose father got her mixed up with vampires."

"Same difference."

"Is it?"

When I lifted my eyes, the first thing I saw was the sorcerer's scalp. Trophy and accusation.

"Have you read that sorcery book your father wrote in?" I asked.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him nod.

"How long did you know what he planned?"

Keel sighed a heavy, downtrodden sigh. "Some of it's foggy because of the transition, but I knew the generalities before I ever came to your cell. The more specific details, not till later."