Some become strangers

To the gypsy that remains...

Stevie's POV
I've been staying at a residential eating disorder  rehab for six and a half months. Absolute torture I must say. Withdrawals from coke lasted four weeks. Although that was probably one of the toughest things, with hallucinations, shakes, mood swings etc. recovering from anorexia has been the hardest for me. There's so many sweet girls here who are going through disorders just like me. Bulimia, Binge eating and so much more. I never knew there were people who had the same feelings about their body and food as me. I've gained a whopping amount of weight. I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with my new size even though it's a big struggle. I'm only slightly heavier than I was before I started losing weight. Most days I hated getting up. I wish I could sleep all day because the challenges with the voices in my head were just too unbearable which lead to me relapsing and getting tube fed multiple times. I went through phases where I wouldn't take a shower unless I absolutely had to, because I hated looking at my body. Sometimes I'd eat so much that I'd make myself throw up after and I'd get in a lot of trouble with the staff here. Sometimes I'd only wear large oversized clothes because I hated anything to form to my new body. Sometimes I would eat way more than what was necessary for my body so I'd go out and run as much as possible. I've had to go to weeks and weeks of therapy to sort through my habits. I only get to see Lindsey and my family once a week. Everything here has been absolute shit. Since I hate it so much, I've decided I'm going to leave and I'll never come back. I'm going to start eating like I'm supposed to. Some days I'll eat a lot and sometimes I'll only eat just enough to get by. Sometimes I'll lay in bed all day and eat junk food and some days I'll exercise and eat only 'healthy' foods. I'll let my self have whatever I feel will benefit me, although there's no exact meaning of a normal diet, I'll do what feels normal to me. I'll do what I feel benefits my body and my mind. There's going to be bumps in the road and I'm going to see women who are thinner than me, women I may envy. My clothes are gonna get tighter and I'm gonna eat more than I did when I was sick. I'm going to have to get used to not only drinking cups of water to try and push off my hunger. It's going to be hard and it's probably gonna suck, but nothing sucks as much as being in a deep dark hole feeling all alone. It feels good to go outside and not always be shivering but to actually enjoy the sun on my skin. It feels good to get up in the morning and have enough energy to take on the day. It feels good to look forward to events. It feels good to be able to experience happiness again. I no longer look in the mirror to meet a thin faced woman who looks dead behind the eyes. I see myself again. Stevie. I'm gonna work to get better even on those days that recovery seems impossible. I'm going to get better for my mom and my dad. They deserve to have their daughter again. I'm gonna get better for Lindsey, to be the woman he fell in love with again. I'm going to get better for the band and the fans, they deserve to see me give music my all again. Most of all, I'm going to get better for myself. My body deserves to be loved. My mind deserves to be loved. I deserve to live again and I can only do that by taking care of myself.

A/N: I didn't know if I wanted to write about Stevie's journey while In rehab or not, I didn't know if it'd be interesting so I thought I'd just end it with the change of Stevie's mindset. I hope this story wasn't disappointing. I definitely didn't write everything I thought I would but I tried to right key details. I hope this wasn't too bad for my first complete story. Thank you for reading!!💗