Alone

Doubt

Evie felt like she was on a rollercoaster with her non-relationship. One moment Tom would get closer, the next he would pull away.

She knew that he was grateful that she helped when Lily got her first period. Poor Lily she was embarrassed to have to tell her dad about it and begged Evie to tell him. It secretly thrilled Evie when Lily came to her, and she was glad that she could handle it. She saved Lily from embarrassment, but suffered from it by talking Tom.

Christmas was an emotional time for both of them and Evie felt like she was walking on eggshells, as she tried to figure her place. Durung the holiday, memories swirled around as she watched Tom's eyes switch from light and sparkling to dark and sad over and over. She wanted to hold him and tell him it would be okay, but she longed for her child and hadn't completely convinced herself it would be.

When he and Lily went away for the actual holiday, she missed them both. She longed for Tom's phone calls, but only one came. It was short, and he was purposely talking quietly. If she was fifteen years younger, she might get a thrill from the excitement of a secret phone call. She was too old for secrets, but she continued to follow Tom's lead.

On New Year's Eve, Sarah said, "Evie, you've got to find out what this guy wants. He's making you an emotional wreck."

"I need to give him time." She wasn't sure she had the strength to keep going on like they were. Then she thought of her life without him, and she had no choice, but to continue. She had absolutely no doubt about how she felt. She was completely in love with him.

Tom was trying to protect her from his professional life. He rarely talked about his day. He knew about the goings on at the library, but he never even mentioned the name of a single doctor or nurse in his department. Could she be with a man who worked in the place of her nightmares? Could she be with a man who felt he couldn't share his day, good or bad with her? Could she be strong enough and love him enough to move on past her pain and support him through the highs and lows in the NICU? If he found his way to loving her after he lost his wife, then she would have to bear her loss. She had to find a way, because she loved him too much.

Unlike when they went away for Christmas, Evie heard from Tom every night while he and Lily were away skiing, even if just for a few minutes. She missed not seeing Lily at the library and was looking forward to her birthday. It was strange going to their home every day to feed Lily's cat, Sassy. Evie would often stay for a little while to give the lonely kitty some attention. Each time she resisted the urge to snoop. She refused to climb the stairs, knowing if she did she would go into Tom's bedroom. She longed to get closer to him any way she could, but not by going uninvited into his personal space. She hadn't been upstairs since her first visit. She had been caught up with Lily, so she hadn't even noticed the other room, Tom's room.

Evie brought over balloons and a Happy Birthday sign to surprise Lily. She was hanging the sign when she heard keys in the front door. She didn't expect Tom and Lily to be home for a couple of hours. She turned to see an older woman, enter and startle upon seeing Evie.

"Hello. Are you Lily's grandmother?"

"I am." Her eyes scanned Evie critically.

Evie approached the woman. "Nice to meet you, Misses..."

"No, Misses. I've been divorced too long to even remember being married. Just Judy is fine. You are?"

"I'm Evie Brennan. I'm friends with Lily and Tom." She tried to hide her nervousness. "I've been taking care of Lily's cat and I wanted to surprise her when she came home today with these..." She pointed to the balloons.

"Lily mentioned her friend nonstop, but I thought you were a school friend. Certainly not an adult."

"I met Lily at the library where I work. I watch her on Friday afternoons, because the library closes early. We get along, Lily and I."

"And Tom?" Judy asked definitely accusingly this time.

"Is a friend as well." she answered feeling her face flush.

"I have to say at least my granddaughter seems to like you, the last woman he took up with Lily didn't like at all."

Evie's thoughts raced. Last woman. She didn't know Tom had been in another relationship. She thought all this time he was going slow because it was new for him. Maybe he really didn't like her.

"I love Lily."

"And Tom?"

"We are truly just friends, honest." She felt the need to defend herself.

"Well, he let the last one into his house and they were more than friends. At least he has better sense now if you're telling the truth."

"Excuse me, but I am finished decorating and I have someplace I need to be. It was nice meeting you." Evie practically ran for the door.

When she reached her car, she was crying. All this time she thought Tom wasn't ready or it was too soon, but he had already had a relationship, a lover. How could she be so stupid? She thought he cared about her, but there was a reason he kept her at arm's length.

"Fool, fool, fool!" she yelled at herself.

She thought of Lily. She promised him she wouldn't hurt Lily. She would need to continue their Fridays. She'd have to stop the phone calls. How she loved the phone calls. How she loved him.

When she arrived home, she hurried up the stairs so her neighbor wouldn't see her tears. She had cried buckets in her lifetime. When she lost Gabriel, she lost all her hopes and dreams for the future. This felt similar, because she had dared to dream they could be a family. With Lily, she could finally be a mother, but not if Lily's father didn't want her.

Eventually she felt numb and out of tears. Even in her most profound periods of grief, she reached a void when she just couldn't cry anymore. She was curled up trying not to think about anything, when her phone rang. It was Sarah, and she remembered they had plans to go shopping to buy a present for Lily. She had to answer.

"Hey." She tried to muster some enthusiasm. She stood and walked to her bathroom. Her eyes were all red.

"Are you picking me up?" Sarah asked.

As she applied makeup to fix her blotchy skin under her eyes, a task she had become very good at, she answered, "I forgot we had plans."

"Forgot! You've been debating what to get her all week. How did you forget?"

"I met Lily's grandmother today."

"Tom's mother?"

"No, her other one. She assumed things about me and then she mentioned Tom had a previous relationship."

"He dated someone?"

"She implied that they were lovers. I'm such a fool. I thought our issue was him not being ready, but it must be me. He must not like me!"

"What are you going to do?"

"I promised that I would never hurt Lily. I love that kid and it would kill me not to see her. I'll have to suck it up, but the phone calls need to stop. I'll tell him tonight." She had a new resolve.

"You know, I really thought you might find your happiness. If anyone..."

Evie heard a knock on her door. "Hold on." She walked over to the window and looked out to the street and saw Tom's car. She whispered, "Sarah, he's at my door."

"No, time like the present. Call me to let me know what happens."

Taking a deep breath, Evie walked to the door.

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