Internet Friends | Dan Howell x Reader

Guilt

Guilt.

Sorrow.

Worry.

Self-hatred.

Each emotion bombarding me to the point of tears. I hadn't been reasonable. What if she had died? Our last moments would've been a fight and her saying she needed to be away from me. She was in pain when she was with me. I let the tears spill over, Phil rushing in to meet me in my crumpled spot on the floor. An emotional, mental pain so unimaginable tore away at me, piece by piece leaving me a withered figure, too broken to put back together.

"Dan, what's wrong?" Phil asked, holding my shoulders to keep me from shaking so violently.

"(y/n)...hospital...accident..." I choked, my word muffled by pained sobs.

"Come on, let's go see her." Phil said, quickly hurrying me from that godforsaken place. I calmed myself to the best of my ability, the cab driver consoling me as we drove. It was a pointless effort. The sliding doors to the hospital opened and soft chatter could be heard from those around us. People gave us sympathetic looks, my face stained with red and wet with tears. The woman at the desk directed Phil, handing me a visitor's pass with a sad look. I looked away, the fiery embarrassment coursing through my veins. Our shoes squeaked against the clean tiles, passing by rooms with nurses and doctors running about, the smell of everything almost sickening. We approached the room and I stopped before the wooden door, wiping away the fresh tears resting on my face. Phil wrapped his hand around the metal knob, pressing down and we entered.

"Ah, Mr. Howell and Mr. Lester." I looked up at a bright and shining doctor, young to be one to be exact. "I assume you're here to see Miss (y/n)." He said, stepping aside. My lips parted, leaving me agape at the deteriorating figure before me. What once was so full of life was now withered away into a small, delicate figure, wrapped in sheets and propped up with pillows. My God she can't even hold herself up. "Now, I know you have concerns, but you also probably want to spend time alone so I'll make this quick." he said, giving us a chipper smile.

I wanted to smack that grin right off his stupid little face.

"(y/n) was hit by a vehicle, unidentified as it was a hit and run, but they're currently looking for security footage, and was brought to this hospital and put into surgery within 15 minutes of the initial impact, so the surgery and recovery is going very successfully because of the quick response and the fact that this woman is a rather strong one. She's fighting for something." he explained.

Not me. 

"She has a few broken ribs and a shattered her left forearm. Her legs are only bruised and had managed to resist any head injury, however due to impact and mental trauma, her body and brain has induced itself into a coma. She has a very high chance of returning to consciousness without any memory loss and such, but I'm afraid to say that we don't know when that is. For now, you should know that she is recovering well and I guarantee with a fighter like her, you should be very hopeful." he said. Phil nodded and hurried to her bedside and the doctor stopped me by my shoulder. "Please, have faith. I see the pain, and I understand. I was once in your shoes, but I wasn't fortunate to have someone like her. She's going to be back. I know it." he said, giving my shoulder a squeeze. 

"Thank you." I murmured, wishing I hadn't judged him so quickly. I approached the bed, the beating of the heart rate monitor marking my hesitant steps. Her pale face, staring so deeply into me, though her eyes are shut. I brushed a soft lock away from her face, a tear dripping onto my hand. "I'm sorry." I whispered, letting another wall of tears crumble.

She'll never get to hear that.

She'll come to, only to find the man who broke her heart.

"Dan, I'm sure she'll forgive you." Phil said. I took her limp, cold hand, sobbing. "You just have to have faith."

Faith?

That's a funny word. I wiped away the tears with my shoulder, refusing to let go of her hand.

It's full of bullshit, that's what.

"If I had so much faith, then why is she here?" I asked. Phil's eyes burned into me, unable to answer. He had nothing.

"You didn't. You were too caught up in everything that you lost faith, but fate is fate Dan. It's not anyone's fault. We just have to be grateful that she's okay." he said. I nodded, not wanting to start anymore gut-wrenching conversation.

It wasn't fair.

She had to deal with me.

Now she's here.

What karma is this?

Bullshit.

It's all bullshit.

"Dan? Please." Phil said. I met eyes with him and his mouth shut. "You're just as strong as her, I know you are. Please don't let this discourage you." 

"Oh what? Let the fact that I ruined the relationship discourage me? The fact that she face death after we fought? The fact that she could die? The fact that she's here because of me or fate or whatever the hell you want to believe? What? What is it Phil?" I questioned.

"Dan."

"Huh? Well? What am I supposed to hope for? That my life won't be ruined, when hers has crumble? Be the selfish bastard I am."

"Dan!" I stopped, glancing over at the heart rate monitor. It had sped up, and I glanced at my tightening grip on her hand. My knuckles had gone white. I let go quickly and Phil watched me carefully.

"What's wrong with me?" I asked, shying away from her. I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I already have.

"You're just really in love." Phil said. I locked eyes with him. "You're just scared you'll lose her so you accidentally push her away."

"I-I know." I said. A nurse came in the room, her eyes scanning over us quickly before hurrying to shift (y/n) to keep blood circulating and doing little routine things as we watched. I can't do anything for her. I'm not worth it.

I want her to fell loved.

I want to be enough.

But I can't.

She's here because of me, no matter what anyone says.

She's better off without me.

Crazy edgy chapters right?

Ha.

Stay awesome!

~Calymari