Saviors (Completed)

47. This Is Not The End

"I don't have a boyfriend," I said sharply. 

She waved her hands in front of her, "of course not, what was I thinking. You and that Martinez boy have nothing between you, nothing at all." He voice was the most ironic I had ever heard and I bet she did it on purpose. 

All this talking made me uncomfortable and also that I for a moment thought she knew that I had another brother, but of course, she couldn't. I hadn't told anyone yet, I needed to talk to my mom and dad some more and to find the courage to tell Liam at some point. 

"I know you're trying to do some weird psychologist thing, but it isn't working, so stop." 

She nodded her head, making me want to pull out my hair. What thoughts were going through this woman's head? I hated I could not read a single thing in her facial expression or her body language. 

"I can't. You know, I get paid to do weird psychologist things," she told me and shrugged her shoulders. 

I closed my eyes for a minute. "What do you want to know?" I opened my eyes again to see her smiling. 

"That's the right attitude!" She clapped her hands together. "So let's get started." 

I sighed again, knowing I just had trapped myself in her trap and I wasn't getting out of it soon. "So, tell me how your relationship with your father was before your parents began arguing." 

"Everything was fine. We loved each other, we played outside in the garden and created memories like a normal family,"  I told her, memories flashing by as photographs, making a single tear crawl out of my eye. 

"I can see that's a hard topic for you to talk about."

I whipped away my tear. "Does that matter?" 

"Yes, you have to acknowledge that the times before the bad times is something to be happy about, not sad." 

"God, I hate psychologist," I exclaimed and threw my head back. "This is getting nowhere." 

"You have not even been here for twenty minutes, my dear, I'm not that good of a miracle worker." Her smirk was as unpleasant as the whole meeting, but I had to pull through, so my brother and Anthony could sleep well, knowing I was getting help. "Wait... You're here because someone told you so, right?" 

"Don't play that trick on me. I know you already know that" I told her brushing her off. 

She smiled. "You're right, I just always wanted to be psychic." 

"Try psychopath." 

"Auch, you really know how to hurt a woman," she said, moving her hand over her heart as if it was hurting. 

"I don't have to apologize." 

"No, but you have to listen to this psychopath and answer her question, 'cause otherwise these papers will never be signed." She held the papers up in the air, waving them in front of my face. 

"Fine, I'll behave." 

"You don't have to behave. I just need you to be honest, that's all I'm asking and I know that may be a lot for you. You have been through a lot and you need time to loosen up to me and I respect and understand that." 

I slammed my fists down on the table, making the water spill. "You don't know anything! You don't know everything I had been through my whole childhood. I never got the time to grow up, get my heart broken as a hope-filled teenager or feeling the comfort of my father as I cried! I have never and will never experience that. I turned to alcohol like my father at the simple age of seventeen! I was worse than him, he at least waited until he had lived his life for some time!" 

She didn't even flinch at my outburst, however, she observed me, with her big eyes. "Interesting," she said, placing her hand on her chin. "I don't think all of this with your unloving mother and abusive father is the core of your problems. I think the problem is you. You aren't forgiving yourself, even though you're ready to forgive everyone else." 

"I-I." I fell back on the couch, taking in her words. Was she right? 

"I also think you have trouble expressing what you really think, even though you know almost every word possible. So what about we try doing things your way?" she asked, tilting her head again and smiling warmly. 

I took a deep a breath, remembering what Liam had told me. 

"Just give it a try, Nina, you'll never know what will happen."

"Fine, what's your idea?"

She clapped her hands together. "Perfect!" She bowed down in her back and found a piece of paper and a pencil. She reached over the table and laid them in front of me. 

Puzzled, I looked down at them. "What do you want me to do? Write?" 

"Bingo! That's what you're good at. It's something you feel comfortable doing, so why not just write your answer down and then give it to me?" 

To be honest, it wasn't the worst idea, but still, the thought of telling something private still made my gulp and shake in fear. "Okay, I'll do it." 

"Okay, I want you to answer one simple thing." She took a break. "Tell me honestly what your situation is right now. How do you feel and what are the things there are bothering you?"

"That's an abstract question," I told her, fidgeting with the pencil between my fingers. 

"Just answer." 

I sighed and turned my attention towards the paper. As soon as the pencil wrote its first words, I couldn't stop, every feeling was spilled on the paper, describing everything as good as possible and making me feel everything again. Making me feel things I wanted to forget and pack away forever. That was painful. 

I finally made the last period and gave her the paper. "That was fast," she said, smiling and placing her eyes on the paper. "My father may be in jail and no one is touching me as he did any longer, but there are still things there hasn't found their end. I hate loose ends and I'm really trying to get everything together, but it is hard and comes with a price. A price I don't know if I can pay. 

You know, when you feel comfortable with someone, you want to tell them everything. But I can't do that because even though I feel comfortable with someone, my secrets can't fly free since they are still loose ends. 

And still, with that burden, I still have my father, there won't leave my head together with the endless questions about forgiveness and love. I still have the same dark void inside of me as I have had the past five years. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to get rid of it. My decisions and thoughts are always determined by that. 

I fight with all my might to gain back my life, but inside I feel like I have already given up on me. I have lost hope and have decided I am not to be forgiven. So, when I know I can't forgive myself, I can at least try to forgive everyone else. I don't want to pull others with me down into the dark hole I dug myself. 

Love is not an option for me, so the last thing I can do is give it to those who deserve it, even if this is far from the end." 

Her eyes found my tear-stained ones. 

"We have a lot of work in front of us, Miss Watson." 

...

Every time I come home from watching a movie at the cinema I can feel my whole body shake and my whole mind is filled with ideas and happiness because a movie is not just a movie. A movie is a story, with more stories. They don't just tell and show you things, but they hold amazing messages. 

As a writer, I always see the hidden things in movies, maybe not more than others, but I also feel them and gain inspiration and knowledge from them. I take it with me in my life and in my books. Movies are amazing if we see and acknowledge the important messages in them. Just as writing, they were made to entertain, but also so much more.

-Houzza