All Of Me

24

24

"You can do this," I reminded myself, forcing a smile as I gazed at myself in the full-length mirror placed against my wall.

Today was going to be a busy day.

I had a chemistry test that I probably knew nothing on, a Single Parents Group meeting, and Gordan Bailey was being released from jail today.

I tightened my ponytail and sighed.

Now or never.

No matter how many days, weeks, or months that will go by, I don't think I'll ever get used to not having Chandler around. I didn't even know him for long, yet my whole life has changed since he passed.

For example, sitting in the cafeteria in the morning with my friends wasn't the same without Chandler here to lighten the mood with his laidback personality.

That same personality that Luke could not stand at first. They bickered about everything to no end.

That same personality that was dealing with leukemia everyday, but told no one. All he wanted was to be treated normally.

"I miss him," I said out loud, accidentally.

Our usual group - Jordan, Amanda, Riley, Chloe, and Luke - was conversing regularly while I was dazed off, in deep thought about Chandler.

"Me too," Amanda agreed. She only had a sad smile, clearly fighting off tears. I could identify that look immediately from anyone.

"Same," Chloe added. Everyone else mumbled their agreements, too.

This was the first time we all really acknowledged his death. Like I said, before we only silently reminisced.

Then we returned to conversing regularly.

Until I ruined it, but maybe it was for the better that I brought it up.

Dr. Willis has told me a thousand and one times how talking it out helps.

"I miss arguing with him over the dumbest shit," Luke admitted. "I regret it when I could've spent that time making good memories with him, but I would do anything to have one last conversation with him."

"It's so lonely at my house," Chloe mumbled.

Though I am an only child, I still couldn't imagine what it's like to lose a sibling. Chloe and Chandler spent all fourteen years of his life together and they were close, too. His death must've taken an incredibly difficult toll on her.

"My mom cries, which I can't blame her. So I do, too. She's cry before he died, too, but he would be able to calm her down and console her. He's not here to do that anymore and I'm not so sure I can. I miss him too much myself."

We sat around the cafeteria table sharing memories and talking about how much we missed him.

Though I can't speak for anyone else, I did feel a little better being able to speak my thoughts with them all and hear theirs.

My chemistry test went mediocrely well. Definitely not A work, but I could settle for the B range. My grade was decent enough in this class to be able to handle a B.

I'd done some rethinking college wise, per Lee's request and Dr. Willis's. Stanford was where my mother wanted to live out here dream. Stanford is where my dad wanted to live out his dream. But it didn't work out for them. Originally, I wanted to continue and live out their dreams for them, but then I realized I can't do that.

Everything happens for a reason. Stanford isn't meant for the Evans-Marcus family. It seemed unlucky, quite honestly. I wanted to create a dream for myself and fulfill that dream. Whatever that dream may be, since I've yet to decide, I know my mother and father will be proud of me.