All Of Me

28

28

Today, I stayed home from school.

Dr. Willis was not kidding when she said easing off the antidepressants meant mood swings, appetite loss, and lack of sleep.

I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday, over 24 hours ago, and I hardly slept last night. I would say I got maybe two hours in, if even that. Now for the mood swings. Yesterday I was in a fine mood. I was feeling sociable while I was over at the Garfield's for dinner and I came home in a rather good mood. However, now I feel so uncharacteristically down in the dumps.

It wasn't alarming per se. It was part of the side effects of being taken off of a medication. Just like there are side effects of being put on one, there are some when you get taken off them, too.

That's just how that works.

I just wasn't fully prepared for this feeling, I guess. I haven't felt this way in a while since I have been on the medication, but in the past it's just been much more extreme.

It was a feeling I imagine people that don't take antidepressants feel on a day to day basis, and I felt bad for them. I guess I'll be one of those people eventually, though.

Since I'll be off of them at one point.

Dad was hesitant to leave me alone this morning when I told him I wasn't feeling well, especially because he noticed I didn't eat yesterday, but I convinced him to go to work. Besides, if there was an emergency, Jaycee doesn't live too far and she is a stay-at-home mom.

I wish my dad was here though. It's easier to be happy when you're around people. When you're alone, it's an excuse to be sad, really.

I have not missed this feeling at all.

The fact I know I have to get used to this makes me uncomfortable. But I know I am ready.

I rose from my bed for pretty much the first time since I woke up a couple of hours ago. By woke up, I mean I accepted the fact I wasn't falling asleep any time soon.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and physically cringed. I stopped and stared at my reflection.

I already brushed my hair today, but it still looked unpleasant. For some reason, it was excessively curly today and frizzing all over the place. My forehead was red and had acne spread out across it. My pink tank top was clinging to my body, showing off my prominent ribcage that showed because I could never gain weight at the same rate as everyone else my age. My pajama pants were floods on me because I wear an extra small, but I'm 5"3, making my pants too small.

I have never once looked in a mirror before and noticed all of my flaws look this at once. They jumped out at me just by walking by the mirror and now I can't stop looking at them.

Why do I look like this?

My mom didn't. Why do I have to?

I've never been so disappointed with what I see as my reflection.

I bit my lip to withhold my tears and hurried into the kitchen. I grabbed a package of Oreos, shoving them in my face, one after another.

I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to gain weight. I wanted to look pretty, not like a skeleton.

After only four Oreos, I stopped binging. Only because tears were pooling from my eyes like a waterfall and I couldn't stop them.

"Why does Luke even like me?" I wondered out loud. "I'm so pathetic."

I can't even act somewhat normal without the stupid antidepressants. Who on earth would like someone that can't be normal?

My stomach denied the Oreos, practically screaming at me that I wasn't hungry. Instead of digesting them like I wish I could've, the came up and right into the toilet.