Special Boy // phan

-28-

"You can't run from this, Dan," Phil said, crossing his arms. He was leaning against my car, and had his foot up on the door. He wouldn't look at me, and I almost wished he would. I need you to be strong, Phil. Please be strong when I am not.

"I've never run in my life, Phil," I said, trying to joke, to make him laugh, to make him smile, to get that feeling again. That weird, wonderful feeling he had given me when he had pressed his lips against my fingers and I knew, even before I knew.

I had gotten my power.

"You know what I mean, Dan. Please, talk to me." I sighed, relenting, finally slumping my previously pushed back shoulders. Like I was trying to create a barrier between me and Phil, between me and the emotions I felt for him, between me and everything that had happened since he wandered into my previously unassuming and unremarkable life.

"Get in," I said, my voice coming out as a hoarse whisper. Phil nodded, almost gratefully, and circled around the passenger seat, climbing inside as I sat in the driver's seat. I clutched the wheel but didn't bother staring the car; I didn't know if I could drive in that condition.

"Charlie told me," Phil started, but then he trailed off, like he couldn't figure out what to say after that. He and I were alike in that way; we had a plan up until the actual talking part.

"You know what Phil? I'll trade you. A secret for a secret." He raised his eyebrows. "Tell me what happened the night of Troye's funeral. And I- I'll tell you what I know." Phil sighed, slumping back in his seat. "You owe this to me, Phil."

"I- I know. I just... I don't know where to start." There was a sticky silence that settled inside the car, only interrupted by the gentle rain that cascaded down from the dark, midnight sky.

"Start at the beginning. The call." Phil let out a long sigh, and opened his mouth. Then closed it.

"I got a call. It was a busy night for the Angels, so I was put out onto the field for a minor call. A boy was drunk and stumbling through the streets. He was screaming something about how it was all his fault. I was supposed to escort him-- you-- home. Maybe figure out what it was."

"I drank so much," I whispered into Phil's silence. "I had never drank so much. I was so wasted. I don't remember anything after they lowered his body into the grave until the next morning, when I was in my bed." I paused. "I just assumed it was someone who was there that escorted me home." Phil shook his head.

"It was me. I managed to find you and then find your address in your phone. And then... then I took you in my arms. I held you so we could fly. And the second we touched, there was this sort of pop, you know? In my stomach. It felt like a had burst a balloon in my large intestine. And I knew, even though I didn't, that a long lasting problem I had had just been solved." I was lost.

"And? What was it?"

"My weakness. You were-- you are-- my weakness, Dan." A shock wave enveloped my body, and I fell back in my seat, finally dropping my hands form the wheel.

"You said..." I was struggling to find words. One shock after another, one revelation after another, and my body was reeling. I couldn't take much more. Next I'm going to find out that Phil was actually an alien form Venus.

"I know what I said, Dan. I lied to you. I lied because I wanted our past to go away. I wanted to meet you all over again and to feel the way I felt again. I told you I didn't have a weakness because I wanted you to feel it. And you... you didn't." I shook my head, turning away from Phil to look out the window. The rain was falling harder now, and rivers were chasing each other across the glass. I wanted to know more, but at the same time I knew too much. I wanted him to keep talking, to never stop talking, but on another hand, I wanted him to get out of my car and fly away.

"And then?" I asked softly.

"Then I flew you home. I could smell the booze on your breath, I knew you wouldn't be able to get in and to your bed like that. So I took off your shoes, took off your belt, and helped you upstairs. God, my heart was racing. There was something about you, Dan, my weakness, that made me lose all control.

"Then you kissed me. And everything went away. You kissed me and then it all happened too fast. I knew it was wrong, Dan, I did. But you really... you really seemed like you wanted me. And I wanted you. So there we were.

"I woke up much earlier than you. I got dressed and somehow mustered the strength to let you go. And I just... I left. I left you because you were my weakness. And I couldn't bring myself to leave a note of get your number or even say goodbye. And then I was gone. And that's all I know. You must be so disgusted Dan, and I don't blame you. That's not something a good person does."

"No... it's not. But..." I was trying to find an excuse for him, something to redeem him, but I couldn't find words. I couldn't say it was okay. Because it wasn't. I did forgive him. I did. But I'd never forgive him, and that was the part I was having trouble articulating.

"Your turn," he said weakly, mustering a pathetic smile even though there were tears leaking out of his eyes.

"You tell me what Charlie said. Because all I know is that I found my power, and... and it has something to do with you."