so you want to kill yourself

∞

so you're at the end of this book. 

did you do everything that i asked you to? or at least tried to do it? 

if not, i hope you'll go back to those chapters and do it. 

i can't make you love life again. but of course, i can try. and i did. 

remember, if you commit suicide...

you'll never be able to feel the pleasing feeling of laughing until you cry. 

you'll never be able to see the beautiful moon and stars in the night sky. and you won't ever be able to see things like northern lights with your own eyes.

you'll never smell the scents of life: the smell of rain, the smell of new books, the smell of your lover's perfume on a jacket that you borrowed from them, the smell of a friend's or family member's cooking, the smell of the forest accompanied by the nature sounds.

you'll never hear the new music that your favorite artists and bands will produce. i bet it will be their best work. 

you'll never be able to stare at someone's eyes which you'll think are more beautiful than anything you've ever seen.

you'll never be able to help anyone else. you won't be able to donate money, clothes, food or help anyone verbally. by only staying alive you'll make everyone's lives better. 

you'll never experience a true, genuine smile and happiness that you didn't fake.

you'll never taste any sweet or sour food or anything that you think is super yummy. and won't find a new favorite food, because you won't be able to try any new foods.

you'll never drink your favorite drink or try anything new. 

you'll never be able to see new movies or hear new songs or read new books that become your favorite ones. and you won't be able to enjoy your current favorite ones. 

you're still yet to find a person that will save your life by just being in it. 

without you there will be 2 hands less in this world to pet dogs or cats.

you'll never completely relax after a long day by taking a hot shower or soothing bath ever again. 

you'll never make someone else's life better by just smiling at them or saying a compliment. 

you'll never be able to grow old and be a badass elder who tells everyone cool stories and has the time of their life. 

you'll never look, smell or have beautiful flowers.

you won't be able to take care of a pet, a plant or a person.

you'll never be able to kiss someone in the rain, dance in the rain, laugh in the rain.

you'll never be able to achieve the goals and dreams your non-suicidal-self wrote down.

you'll never be able to redecorate your room by your mood.

you'll never completely fall in love with your image and your personality, if you kill yourself now, you'll never experience the joy of self love.

that's what life is offering you.

that's what you can feel and will experience if you choose not to die.

did you ever have the question "why the fuck is someone doing something so stupid like this?"

well, i have an answer for you.

when i was suicidal, i didn't have people to help me, nor anything else.

i tried calling numbers, i tried countless online therapy sessions and counseling.

i needed something that could help me in the way i needed it to. i tried to find anything through youtube, through google, through wattpad... but nothing was there that could help me.

long story short, the depressive episode ended with people coming to save me.

but there are people who'll never have anyone to save them. they'll go through things like this, trying to find something, anything to help them and end up finding nothing. just like i did. and i would have committed if i wouldn't have gained support from certain people.

and some of you won't get that support, i was lucky to randomly get it. that's why i wanted to help those who won't.

basically, i made a book that would help me when i was feeling suicidal. and i made it for all of you too.

it's not one of those "oh no, what about your family lol" kind of things, it's something to feel life again.

something to make you eager to live, to experience simple joys of life and new activities, not something to make you live out of pity for your family or friends.

and that may have not worked. but at least i tried.

i can't save you, only you can save yourself, but i tried to help.

if i didn't, i'm sorry.

if you read through this whole book, every little thing you did was a small step closer to living and a small step further from dying. if you enjoyed at least one experience out of the 50 quests that were given to you, that just may be your reason to stay alive. those quests are a reminder of the reasons to live.

i want you to be alive.

i love you.

stay alive,
sophie