ASCENSION: BOOK 2 - SHADOW BLOODS.

Chapter 16: Love, Happiness, Pain & Loss.

Lexa needed time to speak with her Generals, King Roan and my mother about the matter and given the heated atmosphere that my presence seemed to cause I thought it best to take my leave.
I spent the rest of the day with Raven discussing the logistics of dealing with Mount Weather's defence systems. Skaikru were the only clan that used tech and Raven Reyes knew all there was to know about it.
Inbetween the constant warnings of what could go wrong, she seemed confident in her ability to guide me through the necessary measures, should Lexa agree to the plan at hand.
As night fell, I visited med bay for my last assessment of the day at mother's request. It wasn't easy looking at the black blood that now covered those bandages, blood that was sacred for those born with it, but a curse for me. I despised the sight of my Shadow Blood, I hated that it now flowed through my veins.
After leaving med bay, I headed back to the familiarity of my old room. It had been a long and tiring day, my head throbbed and my body ached. My mind was still racing, I couldn't seem to get past the guilt I now felt, this constant voice in my head reminding me of what I had done.
I looked around at charcoal sketches on the wall. My artwork had always brought me comfort, but now I felt saddened as though I'd never regain those moments of pure simplicity.
Staring back at me in the mirror, was a woman I struggled to recognise each time I saw her reflection. Her face was harsher, troubled, like she'd lost a part of her that made her who she was in this life. She was broken and knew no way of fixing what had been taken from her.
As I dwelled upon my place in this world, my concentration was broken by a knock at the door. I thought twice before opening it, craving my solitude, but now wasn't the time to be alone.

Lexa stood in front of me as I opened the door.
"Your mother said I'd find you here," she softly spoke.
I stood to the side and gestured for her to come in, closing the door behind her. I watched as she glanced around, curious by my art work, "I never knew you were an artist. These are beautiful."
"A foolish pastime," I answered as though those pictures no longer meant anything to me. Lexa knew I was being defensive.
"You're angry." she remarked.
"Yes!" I replied, defiantly.
"At yourself for surviving or at me for caring that you did?" Lexa called me out on the cold, hard truth of how I was really feeling.
"Both!" I said, turning away to once again see my reflection in the mirror. Wanheda's eyes met Heda's glance as Lexa stood behind me, hurt by my scorn.
"The Clarke I fell in love with wouldn't dwell in self pity nor would she push away the people who love her. If you want forgiveness then it's yours, but don't ask me to send you on a suicide mission into Mount Weather." Her voice broke as she opened up her heart to me.
I felt the tears begin to fall and bowed my head in sorrow, no long able to look at the woman who's heart I was breaking.
"How can anything ever be the same, Lexa? How can those around me see anything other than The Shadow Blood who fought against her own people. How can you forgive me, when I can't even forgive myself?"
I felt Lexa's arms wrap around me as she held me tightly, "I don't care about the colour of your blood. I care that you're here with me. I can't lose you again, I won't loose you again!"
Her voice was full of determination, but I knew that my blood would hold complications for Lexa's position as Heda. The Clans would never accept a Shadow Blood, even one that had no choice in her fate.
I turned to face the woman Ioved and kissed her deeply. "You know I love you. Nothing can ever change that, but I need to finish this, I need to make things right, Lexa."
In that moment she knew I would never rest until Cage was dead and that Mountain was destroyed. It was the only way I could find my way home, the only way I could find my peace.

Lexa stayed with me all night. We spoke of many things, the tough times ahead and of the difficult decision Lexa was struggling to make.
Part of me wished that both of us had left behind this life of war and duty before Lexa's conclave, just as Luna Kom Floukru had done.
They called Luna a coward, a traitor but she had denied the world her pain. She lived on her own terms, in peace, away from the politics of The Clans.
Lexa had always been bound to duty, but she had always known her own mind when it came to leadership. What I was asking her to do was against her heart, but ultimately she knew she couldn't allow her feelings to cloud her position as Commander. I needed her to let me go and the more I explained how I felt, the more she began to understand.
As we lay in bed, our bodies wrapped around each other, I savoured every moment with her. It was rare in this harsh life to find that all consuming love, a bond that transcended all else. We'd found that in each other's arms, but it had come with much sacrifice just as The Ice Queen had foretold right before her execution. Maybe it was always meant to be this way for us, love, happiness, pain and loss.
I rested my head upon Lexa's chest as she gently brushed her fingertips across my brow. The rhythmic beat of her heart was soothing and for the first time in a while I felt safe.
"When this is over, if we defeat Mount Weather, will you return To Polis with me?" Lexa asked, unsure of my intentions.
"I'd like to believe it would be that simple, but my blood will make things complicated." I answered solemnly.
Lexa's voice became serious, "I ordered The Clans to use Jaha's guns. I told them should we win The Battle Of Trikru there would be no repercussions for your mother or Thelonious. They will listen and they will accept the same when it comes to you."
I was so thankful Lexa had negotiated an agreement with the clan leaders to keep my mother and Jaha safe, but I had my doubts they would ever accept the same terms for a Shadow Blood, a Reaper who not only defied them but also their Commander. Tradition was at the heart of Grounder culture as was honour and loyalty, I had betrayed the core of that creed.
I remained silent not wishing to disturb this perfect moment. Lexa placed a kiss upon my head as I pulled my body closer to her's. We eventually fell asleep holding onto each other, a sense of contentment before the morning brought a very different reality.