early in the morning • zayn malik

→ early in the morning ←

→ early in the morning ←

He left long before the sun came up, feeling almost unnaturally calm. He thought of Harry laughing at some joke that Zayn had told him last night, and then remembered previously having a long walk on the beach with Bryony, water shyly brushing against their feet.

It was in the middle of the night that he realised what he had to do, how to finally let go of all the guilt that had been slowly weighing him down, rendering him unable to move forward. He had scrawled a quick message for Harry and left it on the kitchen counter in case he got worried.

The mental institution was rising up in front of him and when he had called them after his revelation, asking whether he could see Perrie before visiting hours, he had expected a blatant no. But instead, they had said yes, saying that he could come at whatever time he wished.

One light could be seen coming from the guard’s booth, and he waved Zayn in, not even bothering to see his pass. Zayn parked and walked inside, not feeling nauseous or anxious as he had been previous times.

The same receptionist as last time smiled tiredly at him, sipping at a cup of extremely black coffee. Zayn smiled sympathetically at him, knowing that working here would not exactly be the most cheerful place.

“I’ll get Doctor Ballard; I think he just got in.” The receptionist said, grabbing the phone and dialling Doctor Ballard’s number.

Zayn didn’t have to wait too long for the Doctor to come, and when he walked in Zayn noticed confusion on his face at seeing him standing there. Zayn offered his hand. “It’s nice to see you again, Doctor Ballard.”

He looked shocked for a moment before taking Zayn’s hand with a warm smile. “It’s nice to see you too, Zayn.”

They walked down the hallway, and Doctor Ballard let Zayn into the visitor’s room, Zayn being the only one in there. There was no Perrie waiting on the other side of the thick plastic wall. Doctor Ballard had left to go get her.

Zayn sat down, running a hand through his hair, waiting expectantly for Perrie to come out. He felt eager to do this, to finally let go, and for the first time in a long while he felt no disgust towards Perrie. He felt no shame for having loved her.

The door on the other side of plastic wall opened, and Zayn picked up his phone, pressing it to his ear. Perrie walked in, looking tired. She saw Zayn and her face lit up, blue eyes widening and a beautiful smile appearing on her face.

She stumbled over to the seat, picking up her phone with haste. Zayn could hear her ragged breathing, and pressed his hand against the plastic, looking deep into her eyes. “Hi Perrie.” He whispered.

“Zayn, it’s so nice to see you, you, you.” She murmured into the phone, placing her hand against the plastic, their fingers only centimetres from touching.

“You look a lot better.” Zayn said, feeling a little spark of pride in his chest.

Perrie turned red, playing with the ends of her bleached hair, hands twitching slightly. “I’ve been very good, Zayn. They’re happy, happy with me.”

Zayn looked at her, but truly looked at her, just wanting to be with her. It was in this moment of silence that he forgave her, and ultimately forgave himself for what he could not control, but had blamed himself for so long.

“You look different, different, different.” Perrie said, leaning forward a little bit. “Your eyes... they’re shining.”

Zayn smiled at that. “I’m really happy.” Zayn whispered. “I’m really happy that you’re getting better, my love.”

Perrie smiled, and Zayn thought that if they were anywhere else that she seemed normal, and that she hadn’t done what she had done. “You’ve moved on.”

Zayn looked at her stunned, and he swallowed, nodding his head, unsure of what to say. She leant forward more, and he saw there were tears in her sky blue eyes, her smile widening. “I’m not upset, Zayn. I will always love you, though.” She said softly. “Promise you will visit me.”

Zayn nodded vigorously. “Of course, I’d never forget you.” He said strongly into the phone, feeling every worry now gone, every bad thought that he’d had since the wedding disappearing.

Perrie laughed, looking at where Zayn’s hand was pressed against the plastic. “I wish that I could just hold you one last time.” She said, her voice thick with emotion.

He could sense that the goodbye was coming, and knew that it would be different from all of the other goodbyes that he had given her. He would not only be saying goodbye to her, but to a small part of himself, a sickly part of himself.

“I could go ask Doctor Ballard, if you want.” Zayn asked fervently, wanting to delay the goodbye just a little longer.

“No Zayn, I know he won’t let me. I’m too unstable, unstable, unstable.” Perrie said, laughing bitterly, not even noticing her casual repetition of words.

“I want to at least try.” He said, his voice strained, chest aching.

“No, no, no.” Perrie said, closing her eyes, shaking her head. “Please, please, please.”

Zayn stopped, knowing that she was getting worked up. He swallowed again, and waited until she had calmed down a little. She finally opened her eyes, pushing her hair away from her face.

“I think it’s time for you to go.” She whispered.

Zayn felt tears welling in his eyes. “Only if you want me to.” He said hoarsely.

“Yes, yes, yes.” She breathed, pressing her hand against the plastic harder.

“Goodbye, then.” Zayn whispered, looking into her eyes, not wanting to ever forget this moment.

“Goodbye, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn.” Perrie whispered back, and putting the phone down, she walked out of the room.

Zayn thanked Doctor Ballard, and walked out of the institute, taking in a deep breath of the fresh morning air. He saw that the sun had begun to rise, and realised that this time, early in the morning, would always be his favourite time of day.

Zayn got into his car, lighting a cigarette before starting his drive back home. He smiled as exhaled the toxic smoke, unable to wait until he got home, until he saw Harry again. Maybe he could see Bryony, or call Louis.

Realising that Zayn could finally do whatever that he wanted, he drove a little faster, unable to get the wide grin off of his face, tears of happiness gliding down his cheeks and glittering in the morning sun.

Goodbye, Zayn, Zayn, Zayn...

...........................................................................................................

and there it is. the end.

I know that this chapter basically gave no answers on how Perrie got to the way she was, but this story wasn't about what had happened in the past. it was about Zayn moving on, and finding forgiveness in himself, when he had been feeling a lot of self-hatred for a long time.

I honestly loved writing this story, all of the support that you guys showed helped me to enjoy it even more, so a big thank you to everyone that reads this, it honestly means the world.

as for the final dedication, I think that it really have to go to @stwhyles for commenting the most thoughtful and lovely comments on every single chapter of this story. I still can't believe she read this, and I am so grateful for her praise.

there will be no epilogue, I will leave it up to your minds to imagine what happens to Zayn, Bryony and the rest of the boys.

ok, goodbye my lovely readers, getting a little emotional here

Lots and lots of love,

Sara xx