As You Wish

Confession

A dignified discussion never happened. Instead, you ate quickly, ungraciously, intentionally ugly. You did your best to disgust him as much as he revolted you. You hoped he knew how little you cared about his obviously erroneous disguise. He wasn't attractive, truly. It was a human illusion. Perfect, but a lie. He was a liar, who either served or may very well have been the Prince of Lies himself.

You consumed your meal in large, wolf-like chomps. You didn't hold back. Blood-red stains coated your nightgown as you erratically tore chunks in an animalistic fashion from the meat you only just noted you'd impatiently undercooked. You didn't care. In fact, it actually benefitted you. It produced more fluids, juices for larger marks on your elegant robe. You kept looking up after each attempt to get to him, and with each glare, snarl or hateful gesture, he only looked at you with more interest.

Finally you couldn't take it any longer. You picked up the same teacup which you recognised after preparing your drink to be the same one you'd fractured right before learning of your true father and slammed it on the table, shattering it completely. You were infuriated with the wordless nature of what was meant to be a conversation. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

You wiped the color from your cheeks on your chest. "SAY SOMETHING!" You stood, throwing the rest of your scraps to the floor. "WHY WONT YOU DO ANYTHING BUT GAWK AT ME LIKE IM SOME KIND OF CIRCUS ANIMAL?" You began to lose all of your carefully preserved composure. The well-tamed beast within you seemed all but ready to attack. Your father would have been appalled to see you acting not like The Lion's proud vigilante daughter, but an actual, monstrous lion itself. You were acting like a maniac. Perhaps that's what you'd been hiding all along, and that's what you out on display here, in front of one of the only living things that could ever earnestly appreciate it. You didn't realise that irony in the moment. All you understood was madness. As you let your emotions fly, you lost all your former grace. You gave into rage. Hatred clouded your judgment, and it almost washed over you. Almost. A voice, one you hated enough to kill, one which made you actually revel in the thought of destruction, if it would come back to the one who spoke it, somehow calmed you down, and brought you back to your senses. With one question, you were further thrust into in anger, but somehow found a sense of calm amidst the spiralling despair you felt.

"Why do you believe in God?"

You'd didn't scream yet. You were momentarily thrown off course. Why ask that now? You were acting rabid, crazy, but the question seemed to come at the perfect time, as though it came right through the eye of the storm in which you'd been swept away. You stopped feeling so angry, slowly, and looked around. You felt guilty for destroying something that belonged to Ciel, forgetting the rest of the scene you'd caused.

"Can you fix the cup again?" You thought you saw a look of perplexity cross the face of the man before you.

"Of course." You had your back to him. You had turned to the wall, facing nothing. You knew you were in no danger, you couldn't be cornered here. You thought so for so long, it nearly set you off again when a hand reached out and touched your shoulder. "But that's not what matters right-". For the second time, you whipped your hand back and struck Sebastian across the face. This time you didn't flinch, you didn't cower, you looked him directly in the eye, burning with fury.

"Don't you DARE lay a hand on me!" His lips parted. He was going to say something. You were ready to hear it. You were ready for anything.

"I won't hurt you. Remember? I said that. I gave you my word."

"Your word?" You laughed, once, high and cold, mirthlessly. "Your word means nothing. You're a liar!" You stepped forward, thrusting your palm against his chest, shoving him. He wasn't stopping your attacks. He could. He could easily have stopped you, killed you. You knew he wouldn't go so far, but why be so dignified? Why keep acting like the butler he pretended to be for the rest of the world in front of the one other person who knew what he was? Who do that for you, when he owned you nothing? You knew why he put on that show for Ciel. Why continue parading around in such a way when no one else was around? "You're a demon! Lying is all you know! You're the devil! Don't you think I know what you are? Why would I ever EVER trust anything you say?" He grabbed your wrists, quickly, harmlessly, but effectively stopping your assault.

"Because It's true!" You looked in his eyes. You had no way of telling if he was being sincere, but he sure seemed like he meant it.

"Prove it." He released you and you stood, unharmed. Not even a slight bruise from what could be a human's strong grip remained on your wrists.

He ran his hand through his hair again. "I plan on it. You've seen me around Ciel Phantomhive." That was the first time you'd heard him address Ciel by his full name.
It sounded possessive, a claim to a soul tied to the importance of a given namesake. "You've overheard his orders. You must have heard him say countless times that I'm never to lie to him."

"The truth can be twisted effortlessly. People will listen to all sorts of lunacy! Lies can become true if enough people want to believe them! Isn't that all you're good for? Isn't that what you're really doing to him? You're playing with Ciel! You're the one in control! He's a little kid! You're a monster! Sebastian Michealis, or whatever your real name is..." you closed your eyes and screamed, crossing your fists in front of you, not even noticing what shape they formed. You would have been too embarrassed to make such a gesture if you weren't so angry.

"I will never trust you! I hate you!" You didn't see him step back, almost in respect upon hearing your threat, and he didn't fully understand why he did either. "You know what?" You laughed once more, as a final conviction before continuing. "I hope you don't go to Hell! That would make you happy wouldn't it? You'd like that, wouldn't you, to go back to where you're more powerful than you ever could be here? So no, I don't want you to be damned! I take it back! You said so yourself, right? God already did! As far as I'm concerned, I want you to know what you've done to deserve it! All the souls you've stolen! I want you to pay for everything, for the pain you've inflicted upon little boys like Ciel Phantomhive who could have been someone without you! For the confusion you've caused my father, or what you'll do to me, if my faith should fail, and for anyone else who you might trick or lead astray!"

You opened your eyes as your lips curled back against the white of your teeth, your hair flowing freely around your face. You'd laugh if you'd been in your right mind, as you still wouldn't be able to properly appreciate yourself yet. If only you could see yourself then, commanding a demon, looking wild and bloody, standing alone and without fear. You were imposing and righteous, your appearance powerfully like that of one of many equally indestructible depictions of the strength and glory of God. The real inspiration for your family name came from the Bible after all, despite everything. Your ancestors found paradoxical beauty in the metaphorical ferocity of the Lion of Judah. You had donned that supremacy without even realising it, and you had done it alone. You already possessed what you had been searching for all along, and the only one to notice was the very reason you could have found such an uncommon source of just pride.

"May God find a way to eliminate you for good! I hope he does, and that's why I believe in Him! If I keep believing, maybe it means I'll get to kill you in his name! I'll be the one who can make you understand the weight of your sins!"

He moved towards you. You did the same. You wanted him to hit you back. You knew he was a liar. The second it wouldn't ruin his image, he'd take you out. You knew he was just biding his time. It couldn't last forever, this period of blissful ignorance. He lied when he promised that he would never lay a hand on you, no matter how much he denied it.

He grabbed your collar, lifting you up easily. You laughed. You probably looked even crazier than before, completely savage. "Believe whatever you want." He held you above him, and you struggled in his grip, but again, he was making no attempt to hurt you. "But save your Holy War for later." He kept you at an arms length. "I still want to talk to you."

"Why?" You jeered. "Why would you still want to talk to me about anything? What could you possibly want to know that I haven't already told you?"

"I already asked. Why do you believe in God?"

"Because he saved me from you."

The look on his face almost made you believe he was genuinely surprised.